How to Promote Confidence
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How to Promote Confidence
| Sun, 03-26-2006 - 1:25pm |
I have a soon to be 16 year old DD. She's has never really had that much confidence in herself. Her answer to most everything is "I can't do that, I don't know how". Even in grade school, she hung out with all the kids who didn't fit in anywhere, but they did have a very nice group of friends. Now my situation is this, I would like her to work over the summer at a local pool as a lifeguard. I have her enrolled in a class for about 3 weeks now. She is taking the class with one friend. There are about 35 kids in the class. Some of the girls are the ones from grade school that did not associate with her or made fun of her. I just got off the phone with the coach and he stated to me "she is not a strong swimmer and is weak in the water". he's been saying these things to her in front of everyone. He says the same thing to her friend that also joined. Now he wants her to come an addtional night a week to practice. (She has been on a swim team since the third grade). Now her friend just decided she does not want to do it anymore. I still want my daughter to continue. She already has no self-confidence and if I tell her that her friend is quitting, there is no way she will want to continue without her and with all those other girls. There is only about 5 weeks left (3 times per week) and I think she should continue. She could have a nice job over the summer and make some money. How should I handle this? I don't want her to quit.

First off - hugs to you and to your DD - it's hard to see our kiddos struggle with confidence.
Second - the way to promote confidence is to find things she *is* good at and promote that. Maybe swimming isn't her best thing. If the coach says "she's not a strong swimmer", maybe she's not a strong swimmer. That's OK. And one way to destroy confidence is to be in a spot where you know you're not good enough.
If she's really good at swimming, but doesn't show that to the coach, then I'd talk to her about motivation. Maybe she doesn't like it; doesn't like the coach; doesn't like the other kids; doesn't want to be a lifeguard. When my DD was younger, her piano teacher said "she's really good, but doesn't try". DD's answer - she liked it "OK" but not great and was always being pushed to prep for a recital, which she didn't want to do. So we let her quit. Yup, we encouraged our daughter to quit something she didn't like and wasn't doing well at. Since then, she has taken up the guitar and bass, is mostly self-taught, practices every day , and is good at it!
I don't mean we should let out kids quit everything, but I *do* mean that we have to help them find things they love to do and are good at, and that may mean letting them try things and then quitting if it doesn't work out.
Finally, what does your daughter want to do for the summer? Quitting the lifeguard class may be her way of telling you she doesn't really want to do this for the summer.
Sue
This is a very tough one. If it was her idea to join the class, I would insist that she finish it. If she's there b/c you insisted, then she doesn't want this job anyway. I wouldn't for it on her. I would tell her that she will be expected to get a job this summer whether it's this one or another one but I would let the job be her choice. I've never wanted either one of my kids to lifeguard at that age b/c it's such a huge responsibility. Suppose someone actually dies while they're in charge - a 16 y/o isn't prepared to handle the emotional consequences of that (at least mine weren't). This actually happened to teen at our church a few years ago. She was a lifeguard at a waterpark. One of the kids was too lite to go down a specific slide but did it anyway b/c another teen didn't check her first. B/c the little girl was too lite, she overshot the landing pool and hit her head on the side. She was knocked unconscious and drown. The young lady at our church really struggled with this even though she guarding another area of the park. She knew that the teen in that area wasn't checking the kids like she should and didn't report it. Most teens aren't strong enough to handle that.
Retail jobs are good for teens. They learn about work ethics and the business world and some pay $7 or $8 an hour which is pretty good money for a teen. If the money isn't an issue, I would recommend she volunteer at a vets office or nursing home. Those types of jobs can build self-confidence.
Good Luck!