How to punish a teenager

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
How to punish a teenager
18
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:16am

My friend has a almost 15 year old. who has been grounded from TV, phone, computer and keeps doing bad things because she doesn't care. Waht are some better punishments that will be effective.
She has been caught sneaking with boys and even ran away - so these need to be really good ones. She is doing it though because she doesn't want to live with her mom any more. She wants to live with her dad because he is less strict. We think her dad is telling her to do some of the things so that the mom will be fed up and just give her up.

I dont know what type of advice I can give her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:51am
I doubt that standard punishments will work here. If it is true that she is doing these things so that her Mom will give up custody then the fault lies not with the child but with the parents. They are not co-parenting, not united in the rules.
I would first look at the legal ramifications of the father's alleged behaviour.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:54am
Yes the parents DO NOT GET ALONG whatsoever.
The dad has tried to put a restraining orders, have the daughter claim abuse from stepdad etc. just straight up lies.
So how do you handle it?
My friend doesn't want to punish her thinking it will hurt her case if they go to court again in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:39pm

What a mess. Perhaps some counseling is in order. One thing is that your friend should stop acting out of fear - that she will lose custody, etc. At least here in California, its very difficult for a parent to lose custody - you have to show a pattern of neglect, drug abuse, etc. Acting out of fear can never have a good result. Your friend needs to follow through with consequences, be consistent, and not worry about losing custody. If she's really worried, documenting everything should help, too.

But this is not a problem that arises only in broken homes. Sometimes parents who live together do not present a united front, do not know how to parent together. My dd14 has a friend who sounds exactly like this girl, but her parents are still together for what it is worth. She is completely out of control, has run away from home as well, does drugs and is sexually active. Her parents show her inconsistent love and discipline. On the one hand they bury their heads in the sand and want to be liked. Then when all hell breaks loose they go way to the other side of things and take away computer, phone, music, make-up, t.v. When I heard about this punishment I almost laughed. How long did it last? Hmmm...not even a week. Make your punishments realistic and enforcable, and stick to them. Tell your friend good luck.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:19pm

It is hard enough to parent teens, and even moreso when two parents are doing it (or not doing it at all) from 2 different locations.

It sounds to me, based on my own experience with an exh, that the dd is trying to 'play' the parents - she's pitting one against the other in terms of which disciplinary method is better or easier for her to do whatever she wants. What she doesn't realize is that she's on a path to nowhere if she keeps up as she is.

Unfortunately, it sounds like the mother has tried everything she can think of for your typical teen. What she needs now are new techniques, because she's not dealing with your typical teen. The girl has issues that need to be discussed with a professional. Likewise, the mom has issues she needs to discuss with the professional - like to learn new techniques on reigning her dd in a little closer to home.

Personally, I never fell for the 'I want to go live with dad' bit. IMO, if you give them an 'out' they will take it. Better to just lay down the law, make sure they understand that moving to dad's aka 'the easier household' is not even an option. My now 16dd started in with that crap about 3 years ago, just around the time she starting feeling 'restricted'....haha. I immediately told her that under no circumstances can she move to her dad's until she's finished her HS education or she turns 18, whichever comes first. I told she was my love and my job and I take both very seriously. *I should add that it's worked well also because my dd's bio dad is not interested in being a full time dad - he knows his limitations and rarely, if ever, interferes. He usually backs me up and only questions me in private.

I think your friend should seek counseling for herself and her dd. She should have a heart to heart with the dad and ask him to please be a FATHER and stop sending so many mixed signals to the dd. Tell him that the dd needs to get her education, grow up unhindered by running around with older boys. Also, your friend needs to sit with her dd and figure out what are reasonable activities and people for her to hang with outside of school, then come to an agreement of sorts, and lay out the consequences if those agreements are breached. They will not agree on everything, but if they can agree on some things, it's a start. Best of luck - being a single parent is not easy. And being a kid of divorce is even harder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 8:17pm

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IMHO you'd do better by figuring out what she *does* care about and use that as a reward rather than punishing until there's nothing left to lose. By punishing and punishing, you eventually get a kid who has nothing left to lose and/or is living in an angry, punishing environment. Then what? Wonder why she's runnning away.....

I know this is harsh, so if you feel the need to flame me, go ahead, but every time I read "how can I punish him/her *MORE*" it gets me. Why treat a teenager as an enemy?

Sue

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 9:11am
I agree. We tried removing privileges and stereos, etc., from our 16dd a few years ago when she was acting out, and it was time and energy wasted. Once we found a way to put a positive spin on things, reward her in other ways, she slowly came around. She had other extenuating circumstances, I believe, that really scared her straight, but nonetheless, punishing just simply did not work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 10:19pm
How about adding responsiblity to the teens life instead of taking priviliges away. In my experience, my kids (12 and 14) know that when I take something away they will always get it back. Because of this they can ride it out. Unless of course, something is taken away forever, like and Xbox or something. And make the punishment fit the crime; if a window is broken, the kid should pay for it AND replace it. Sometimes you have to be really creative. I think when someone is forced to DO something they really don't want to be doing they reflect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 7:34am

No flames coming from this direction ljd_mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 1:37pm

OK new info on the situation.

The daughter DOES want to live with Dad. The Dad does want the daughter.
The daughter keeps saying stuff to mom like "why are you keeping me here, I dont want to live with you!" even though mom says you aren't going to live with Dad period and Daugther has even run away about 4 times and calls the cops lying that she is scared taht her mom will kill her if she goes home.
Now what does mom do? Keep putting up with it? Make her live with her anyways and have the daughter keep doing this and saying such things?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 2:19pm

My thoughts are that mom should try to reconnect with her dd. Have a mother daughter weekend or go on a vacation together.

Can she talk to dad and explain that "their" dd is suffering for their lack of a united front. I'm sure the dd is telling dad that things are much worse than they really are and he is the sucker for believing it. My thought is he is only interested in $$. I'm sure he has no idea how his life would change with a teenage girl who is out of control, in which he is now responsible.

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