How to punish a teenager

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
How to punish a teenager
18
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:16am

My friend has a almost 15 year old. who has been grounded from TV, phone, computer and keeps doing bad things because she doesn't care. Waht are some better punishments that will be effective.
She has been caught sneaking with boys and even ran away - so these need to be really good ones. She is doing it though because she doesn't want to live with her mom any more. She wants to live with her dad because he is less strict. We think her dad is telling her to do some of the things so that the mom will be fed up and just give her up.

I dont know what type of advice I can give her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 2:50pm
unfortunately I think its too late for that or the daughter is not in a state that she would be interested. shes interested in teenage stuff and boys.
the dad is only about the $$ and for now since the DD doesnt' live with him he lets her do whatever she wants. thats why she wants to live there.
but i mean why should mom even fight this? so that the dd can keep telling her how much she doesnt want to live with her and run away.
it has gotten to the point where dd and dad are plotting and are calling cops saying mom abuses her and stuff which I knwo is not in anyway true AT ALL.
can't dd get in trouble for perjury or something?
dad is trying to get custody and they are playing dirty games.
there is no way at all mom and dad can work together ever!
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 2:58pm

OK, take this with the realization that I have *no* idea all the things going on between mom, dd, exh and stepdad. Lots and lots of potential different family dynamics, any one of which could change what an outsider thinks your friend should do.

My 1st thought was *let* dd live with her dad, if that's where she wants to be. Mind you, that's not an option if her dad is an unsuitable parent. And simply not being as strict as mom does not necessarily make him an unsuitable parent.

Here, kids of divorced parents, when they turn (I think) 13, they can choose whom they want to live with. I personally did not have to face that, but my friend did. Courts gave custody to Dad (yeah, I know, long story) but by the time the 2 girls came of age (15 and 13, I believe) they chose to live with mom. They did have to go to court to get this done, but it *was* done. This may be something that is state regulated. I have no idea.

Counselling is *always* a good idea. Its success depends on the people involved, but it is always worth a try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 3:15pm

That's what I think too. I dont think dad is a bad parent. He has other kids but I do think that he is very very lienant with DD like allows her to have boyfriends which is probably her MAIN drive.
I think tactics are out of control to get this done though.
I also think it somewhat has to do with money because Dad left it up to Mom until now to take care of daughter and when she was a toddler didn't even come to see her at all.
Mom is hurt that even though SHe is the one that took care of DD when dad didn't now DD doesn't even want to live with her cuz she wont let her have boyfriends.
So for Mom who has always raised DD from the begingin and even a long time as a single parent before getting remarried - how can she just give up daughter to dad.

I keep thinking though why go through what she is gonig through. Even if she wins custody DD will keep pulling tactics. And even if she lets her have boyfriends her DD is already set on what she wants.

Also on letting kids choose - I know that there are those ages but do judges not also consider why they are choosing another parent? If they know DD is choosing Dad cuz he lets her have boyfriends and where whatever clothes she wants - then would judge say yes to that?




Edited 5/11/2006 4:07 pm ET by lovesmr777
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 4:42pm

re: > >Also on letting kids choose - I know that there are those ages but do judges not also consider why they are choosing another parent? If they know DD is choosing Dad cuz he lets her have boyfriends and where whatever clothes she wants - then would judge say yes to that?< <

Honestly, I don't know. Who knows what goes on in the minds of judges. I know in my friend's case, the judge interviewed all the children in chambers (no one knows what was said) and the two older girls said they wanted to live w/dad so the judge said ok. Believe me, the dad in this case was not the *best* parent, and the girls chose him solely to hurt their mom. Then, when the girls decided to live with mom when they got older, they went in front of a judge and he basically said, "ok." So, I don't know that a judge gives a lot of weight as to *why* they want to live with one over the other, just that they do. At least that's what happened in this case. It may be another judge would be highly different.

I'm sure your friend is devastated by what feels like rejection from her dd. But, if she's been a good mom up until now, and continues to love her dd even if she chooses to live w/dad, odds are, someday her dd will realize how much her mom loves her and will appreciate all her mom has done for her. It just may take a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 4:51pm

This is all over not allowing a 15 year old to have a boyfriend? I hope there is alot more to it than that. Why has your friend decided to make an issue like this the reason she is losing her dd? It seems like the damage between them is almost irreparable. Don't take this the wrong way, but it does seem that mom is more interested in controlling the situation, from her ex, from her dd, than in anything else.

IMO she should give custody to the dad and let him see how things really are. I don't agree that allowing her to have boyfriends at 15 makes him a bad father.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 8:04am

It sounds like there are enough power, control and hurt issues on all sides to go around here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2006
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 9:49am
I have to agree with the gist of these posts. i have two teens (boys, which i think are probably easier than girls but...)and they definitely don't respond as well to strict control tactics. it is a very fine line to walk between laying down the law and keeping the lines of communication and teaching open in such a way that the teen decides on his or her own to make good decisions. a boyfriend at 15 - absolutely nothing wrong with that. the tighter your friend holds on the faster she will lose her grip completely. it really may be too late to turn this around except for a heart to heart where she listens to what the teen wants and realistically evaluates the merits - the boyfriend thing for example. i am saying this from my own teen experience with my mom and from watching friends parent teens - successfully and unsuccessfully - over the years. she wants to live with dad? fine, let her go - may be exactly what they both deserve. as for the feeling that she put in all this time and this is the thanks she gets - it's not a contest for one. and while she may have put in all the work, up until recently she also got all the benefits - let dad have a turn. not worth the money and fight really. will a judge think those are reasonable things to go live with her dad? i think so because they are - he isn't harmful. does he let her have sex and use drugs in his house? that's when you should worry. IF dad's is abusive and not an option then maybe have her sent for some inpatient treatment. that's where i ended up. as for filing false police reports - yes that is a crime. i say let her go - could be the best way to work on re-building the relationship. it took my mom and i 5 years of no contact before we could even begin to re-build. 15 years later we are very close. teen girls are rough, i feel for your friend. i like the post about mutual respect - that i think is the key.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 2:12pm

Yes I think that the key to raising kids will be parents working together otherwise if there are always battles the kids will see that and tune in.

I know she should let DD live with DAd but when i think about my kids - I think i could never let them go no matter what. I mean I would feel like how can I just go 14 years of raising them to letting them to go someone who was never there for them before so I can see how it is too hard to just say ok.

The Dad is telling her to run away and stuff and if that is the tactics he has I personally think he is a bad parent. Why encourage your kid to run away and call the cops and lie. If the Dad is the bigger person and really if this was JUST about the kid then I think both parents would care enough to talk to one another and the kid. It's too bad that there are adults out there not willing to do this because of stupid pride or something.

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