How to "reprimand" son

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
How to "reprimand" son
1
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:59pm

HI, I'm new here. I have two teens, a 16-year-old daughter just recently away aat an arts school public boarding school and a 14-year old son at home.

Some background: last month we went on vacation and asked our son's neighborhood friend, whom we've known for over two years now and is always at our home. to pet sit. He was given a key to let himself into the garage. When we returned home, I tried to use our computer and it was operating very strangely - really slow and I just wasn't able to do anything at all on it. I was puzzled because we had turned it off completely when we left, and it had been working fine.

Well, after doing a little digging, I soon realized that someone had been on our computer while we were gone, had accessed the Internet, and had downloaded some porn. And, unfortunately, it could only be one person...my son's friend. We discussed it with his parents, he apologized, faced punishment from his parents, and his dad even went so far as to install a new hard drive for us. No hard feelings, no problems, etc. I then warned my son, who, as any 14 yr old would, found it shocking yet amusing, not to tell any of his other friends because, knowing kids, I knew news would travel fast.

So, just today I get a phone call from the other child's mom, totally cordial and friendly, but asking if my son had perhaps told a friend or two because other kids were making comments to her son about what had happened, and he, for obvious reasons, had not told anyone. I told her I wasn't sure but I would ask my son. She stated that she had told her son that when you do something like he did, there's always the risk someone will find out and that sort goes with the territory. But she said he has felt really remorseful about it, which I believe, and doesn't want it to follow him around forever.

I questioned my son and he admitted that he told his best friend but insists he told no one else. Back when this first happened, I had warned him not to even tell one person because then they tell one person, who then tells another person, and on and on. So this is apparently what's happened. Granted, it will blow over eventually, and, yes, our petsitter was definitely in the wrong, but I'm not sure what to do about my son. We talked about it and I told him this was why I had cautioned him to not tell people - that
it would make it's way back to the "guilty" person, that he wouldn't appreciate it if the roles were reversed, gossipping is bad, etc. But what should I do beyond that? Should he apologize to this other child? This kind of puts me a weird position - reprimanding my son for talking about something very wrong that another child did (entered our home beyond the garage, went upstairs, turned on our personal computer, logged onto the internet, and looked at objectionable websites). Any suggestions/advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 9:00pm

I might be inclined to let it go - your son knows he blew it, and will learn a hard lesson about gossip and secrets. Also, I'd guess the other guy won't be too happy with him.

Those two things are probably better and more effective punishment than anything you could dream up! If he comes to you and asks what he should do, you could suggest apologizing to his friend, but I"m not sure guys would do that.

Sue