How to stop being mean to my daughter?
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| Wed, 02-07-2007 - 3:23pm |
I am 19 weeks pregnant with twins at this point. I am undoubtalbly uncomfortable. I could really use some unrestricted access to a chiropractor, a massage therapist, and about 6 weeks of uninterupted sleep. It seems as though as soon as I found out I was pregnant (at 5 weeks along) I was getting up about 3 or 4 times a night to go to the bathroom. I didn't even know until 16 weeks that I was having twins. But it certainly explained the additional discomfort that I have been feeling. Basically all of that is just a list of excuses for my behavior. I am normally a very calm quiet person. Nonconfrontational. I am almost the most passive person on the planet. My poor daughter is 16 and she has been the one that is most getting the brunt of my discomfort. For example.... My daughter is not the greatest student. She has been doing what she always does and works really hard at the end of the semester to get her grades up above passing just before the report card is due to come out. She has gotten into trouble in the last month for a boy climbing into her bedroom window and just last week she was delivered back home to me by a cop because she was caught sneeking out to meet the same guy in his car down the street. His car was reported as a suspicious vehicle. Honestly, I think that every time she tries to do something wrong, she gets caught. But she has been grounded for the last month and told that she will not be ungrounded until her report card comes out and only then if all her grades are passing. She was eligble to get her drivers license last week and after being caught sneeking out, that has been delayed for 1 month. She only has 1 class that she really likes and that is Culinary Arts. They cater lunches on Fridays for the staff members at school and they also cater events in town on weekends. In another week they are scheduled to cater a Sweetheart ball for Beta Sigma Phi. I also told her that (since it is not required) she will not be participating in that catering event. She wants to go to the Art Institute of Seattle to the Culinary Arts program there. OK, now to my behavior... My daughter comes home from school the other day and announces that she is going to make a cake. She brought home this cookbook from school and wanted to make this recipe. I was so negitive about the whole thing. I told her it was not going to come out looking like the picture. I said she was not going to be able to get the same colors as the ones in the book (she got pretty close though). I complained the entire time about the mess that she was making, the amount of eggs she was using, the trip to the grocery store to get the rest of the stuff she needed to make the cake. I couldn't belive the way that I was talking to her. It was like these words were floating out of my mouth with no regard to her feelings. I don't like my own behavior. I should be supportive of these projects of hers because this is what she wants to do with her life and she has been in trouble a lot lately. How do I stop myself from spouting off about stuff that I really shouldn't be. My daughter is right when she says that it is not her fault that I am so uncomfortable. Any advice would be appreciated. I am sorry for rambling so much.
Stacey,
Mom to Jacquelyn Rachel, 9/2/90, and Kyle James, 4/30/04
Expecting Twins, EDD 7/03/07

{{Stacey}} Congratulations on your pregnancy. I can see that you're not overly thrilled with the idea of being pregnant and carrying twins. I hope your 2nd trimester comes quick so you settle into things, as we all know the first and last trimesters are usually the most difficult!
I think you should discuss your behavior with your DR. Either your family DR or your OB. YOu need to find a way to remain positive about the areas in your dd's life that are good and be more supportive. I think you should reconsider allowing her to participate in the catering event. It is something that she can put on her resume and college application one day and it will mean something.
How is her father involved in the business with the BF, the sneaking in and out of the window? Can't he play more of a parental role with dd? If not, I think you're going to have to set up stringent guidelines for her and possible buy those inexensive window alarms for her room. Perhaps find a way to have her spend more time at home, invite her friends over so you can get to know them better.
A lot of her behavior is typical teen stuff pushing the envelope to see what she can and will get away with. Some of it may be that she's rebelling towards your pregnancy - is she excited about it? Angry or grossed out by it? Not to be rude, but those can be some very real feelings for a 16 year old. Maybe she thinks you're too busy with the pregnancy to be thinking about what she's up to.
IMO, grounding doesn't work. Restricting or putting into place more stringent requirements for her going out with friends is more effective than banning it altogether. Taking away certain privileges may be more effective...giving her extra chores to complete, etc. You get the idea. Does she have a job? If not, make her get one. Even if it's only 12 hours per week, it will help to teach her responsibility. Is she in any structured study hall or afterschool study group or extra help class? If not, inquire at her school about her joining one so she can improve her grades.
For your sharp tongue, I think that while it's probably normal (and hormonal to a degree), you might be helped by carving out some time for yourself that enables you to focus more on comforting yourself rather than being mom, wife, etc. You sound incredibly stressed (understandably) and stretched to the limit, you have no patience left and you're perhaps angry or upset about your pregnancy (just guessing here-that's what I got from your post). Maybe there is a mothers-to-be group in your town through our local library, or a book club you can join. Or, maybe you and a friend could start taking a daily walk so you can alleviate some of your stress - exercise works! And when you feel something mean about to come out of your mouth, leave the room - take a time out! IN the meantime, many gentle hugs. I hope you feel better and I sure hope that your dd starts behaving!
> > ...possible buy those inexensive window alarms for her room. < <
Had to LOL at that. When I was a teen, my dad closed *my* windows with 10-penny nails. Made for a pretty cheap fix. ROFL
Congratulations on the twins... This coming from a mother of twins.. Hang in there.. the next few years will be hard.. but you will survive and it gets easier.
"Ginny"
Loving wife
I don't have a lot of extra advice. It's actually already been said, but I'll repeat anyway. Apologizing is a good start. When you catch on that those mean words are just pouring out, stop and apologize for it. Take a few deep breaths. It doesn't take back what was said, but everyone understands how easy it is to say things we don't really mean. Everyone appreciates an apology.
I also like the walking idea. Is it possible to get out and take walks with your DD? It would be a great time to find out about what's happening at school, her to learn about what's happening with you. Make it a time when you both can grow closer and not farther apart. It would be great to have her go along, especially as you get farther along. It might help you two stay close. She will be a great help, especially you can nurture a special bond between her and your babies (her little siblings).
I agree too, it would be good to let her go ahead and cater on the weekend. Since she really enjoys doing this it is probably a great self-esteem builder. With the difficulty in her keeping grades up, she probably needs something that will keep her view of herself in the positive.
Best wishes!!
Sallie