How to tell her money isn't everything

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
How to tell her money isn't everything
12
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 8:20am

19 year old dd came to me last night crying that she is so frustrated hearing about people doing all kinds of things and she has no money to do anything.

A little background to the story. My dh fell ill two years ago and has not been able to work. He is trying to get his Social Security Disability which is in itself will kill people. It has been as it's best, really rough. But through it all we are all still alive and kicking. It has been especially hard on dd, she missed out a lot on senior year because of limited funds. She did get into a good college close to home with loans and grants. She has passed her first year of Nursing and did it very well. She is a wonderful young woman and very smart she will be an amazing Nurse.

I am getting off track. Her b/f has always been very active in school activities, it is his senior year and because of his parents and grandparents he has been able to take several trips and is leaving for Disney with his chorus right after graduation. Last night she came home crying that she can't take hearing all the fun he is having, she feels so inferior. Now, he never once said anything remotely to that effect. But now she saying that maybe he wants a g/f that can do more stuff. Although, he tells her all the time he has no money hahaha. She also thinks that maybe his family won't accept her because we have very little. Again, no one ever said this stuff, she said it just feels that way. She is saying there is no sense staying with him, she can't keep up.

I don't know what to tell her, they have been together for 3 years and they are talking about getting engaged after he gets into college. Now she is saying, he will never marry me. She thinks now she isn't good enough. And to compound this, his very strict mother won't let them go away even on a day trip. So dd feels that he is having all this fun with other people and never her. They could afford to go away somewhere just for a day, but his mother doesn't feel it appropriate for them to be away even for a day alone. But he is allowed to go on all these trips, and we all know what goes on on school trips. They are not always watched that close.

Sorry so long, again I am off the track. How can I tell her that he doesn't love her for what she has, he loves her for her. She hasn't changed. She is still the same wonderful young lady. And can she tactfully say to him, it hurts when he talks about all the fun he has with other people, when they can't do anything together, partially because of his mother.

Again sorry so long,

Andie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 12:26pm

I can certainly understand your DD's emotions and have been there myself on occasion. My DH & I were so unlucky. Right around the time he moved in w/ me and before we got married (4 yrs ago), he got injured at work and was out on worker's comp for almost 2 yrs. The last 5 mos. or so, he was only getting $100 a week from comp since the judge decided that he had a "work capacity" to earn some money, even if he couldn't go back to the same job as before because it was manual labor. We were really running out of money and the only thing that saved us was that I got a huge bonus that year, almost equal to a year's salary. That year when we got married, we did get to go on a nice honeymoon but a couple of years later, what w/ other problems, not all financial, I was really depressed that I wasn't able to go anywhere and at that time, I was hearing about my ex going on a cruise, my friends going places, etc. and really feeling sorry for myself. My favorite indulgance is travel. I don't care about cars, jewelry, etc. If I had extra money, that's really what I would like to do. Most of the time, we have to scrape together enough money just for regular living expenses, but we manage. I just think that when you hear about what other people are doing, that's when you start to compare. I remember I worked in an office one time which was in a more wealthy community and a lot of the women had fur coats. I started to get kind of jealous that they could spend that kind of money, when in reality, I would never really have wanted a fur coat, esp. back then when I was in my 20's.

My DD is going to be a nurse too. I'm glad she has chosen that for a career since there are plenty of jobs available. She will just have to keep that as her goal. I know it's hard because when you are young, 3 yrs. seems like forever. Good lukc w/ the Social Security too. a long time ago, I did some Social Security disability appeals as a lawyer and I think I won every one. Not that I was so brilliant--it was pretty obvious, but I don't think the everyday workers think about it so much, then when it gets to the level of the judge, they do give the case more consideration.

I really don't get this boy's mother, but I know there's not much you can do about it, but it would still be annoying to me. I feel that if you have raised your children properly, you don't have to keep your eye on them every minute to be afraid they will do something wrong. When you said, they can't go on day trips alone, does she let the go on dates? If they are going to dinner & a movie and are alone together for a few hours, they could skip the movie, if you know what I mean. Hopefully she will ease up when he's in college.

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 2:34pm

"but once she got into college and he was a senior and all the other kids were going places with their b/f and g/f's she was kinda dumbfounded when his mother wouldn't allow them to do anything."


The timing...

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