how to tell teen I used a surrogate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
how to tell teen I used a surrogate?
28
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 7:30am
My two children after I couldn't get pregnant after conceiving first son were born through surrogacy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 8:09am
Where do they assume the other half of their conception is currently?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 8:25am
I am the natural mother of their older brother.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 8:44am

I'm not sure if telling them would be of any benefit. Is there any support groups available with women who have dealt with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 9:22am
Do you mean never tell them the truth.?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 9:35am

Obviously, you now know that it would have been easier for your kids to understand if you had told them about this, in age-appropriate ways, since they were very young. However, I don't understand your point about there being prejudice against them if others had known. If you were never pregnant with them, other people

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 10:44am

Are your daughters having any problem with the fact that they will have a niece that is not biologically theirs? Are they showing any prejudice against her or the situation in which she was born? Doesn't sound like it. There are so many types of families out there these days that I don't believe your dd's are "out of the ordinary" Yes they were born under different circumstances, but that really doesn't make a difference does it?


I don't understand why the circumstances of their birth would matter to the schools, or anyone else for that matter. No one cares if a child is adopted, why would they care about a surogate mom, and more important why do they even have to know?


I think I would want to tell the girls. I think, like ejteach said, they should know for the future for medical reasons. If you aproach it in the vein that you wanted them so much that this is what you did to have them etc. explain how it worked and that this woman was wonderful enough to do this so you could have two wonderful daughters when the chances otherwise weren't there. I am sure that it will be a difficult talk to have, but I do think it is something that needs to be done. But you know in the end, the dicision is up to you and your husband, talk it over with him. If he agrees that you need to tell them, talk about how you will tell them and do it together. And then deal with whatever their reactions are together. Let them know you couldn't love them any more than you do no matter what the circumstances of their births.


Hope this helps in some way. Let us know how things are going.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 12:02pm
I'm a bit confused about the details here. What do you mean "the school might not accept it"? Is surrogacy legal in your state? I was a surrogate 10 years ago, and actually, surrogacy law is a little fuzzy here, so what WE did was a legal adoption after birth. It took a lawyer very little time to draw up, and only cost the parents about $300. But what it did was to make the mom definitely the legal mom, even though I was the one giving birth (and it was my egg). As for the idea that other kids might tease the or whatever - that is just silly, because the child doesn't HAVE to tell ANYONE that she is born of a surrogate - so how would anyone at the school even KNOW, unless she chose to tell them? SO I'm trying to figure out what happened in your situation that would have led to you being told to keep it on the "down low". To me, that just set you up for an unhealthy situation. I'm not sure HOW you want to tell your daughters, but it ABSOLUTELY HAS TO BE DONE. Haley has known all along that she had a different "tummy mommy", but that her mom is her "real" mom - so no messy explanations or painful fall out. I'm sorry I don't have very good advice here, because you can't go back and re-write the past - but I'm sorry that you and your daughters are in this uncomfortable position :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 12:06pm
oh, no, please don't suggest she not tell! Every child deserves the truth about where they come from...and besides, what if it ever became medically necessary to have information on their biological background?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 12:12pm

I would tell them ASAP. I am especially worried that some extended family member may slip-with the girls questioning who they look like, with your oldest child's marriage.....and the fact that as folks age, they just have more slips of the tongue, however unintentionally(I think I am starting to fall into that category-LOL)

Far better it comes from you. Tell them you were waiting for the right time and then you became confused and now, with all the discussion due to their brothers marriage, you realize this is the time

They are bound to be upset. Wise choice would be to have a counselor scheduled before you tell them so they can be shuttled to an immediate appointment within the week. Or...perhaps you should meet with counselor ahead of time to talk through the words to use?

I feel you were given some poor advice in the past and a professional might be a wise option right now. I would not listen to anyone who was part of suggesting you keep it quiet in the past.

I work in Early Intervention and, on my caseload, I have the typical presentations,family adoptions, overseas adoptions, and in vitro fertilizations-lots of IV lately, in fact!!! Havent had a surrogate but, honestly, I wouldnt even blink. They come to us as parents in so many different ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2007
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 12:26pm
thanks so much for your reply--I want to thank each person here.

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