Hysterical Mom Needs Help!
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| Tue, 09-27-2005 - 1:49am |
I am sorry. I need help. I have a daughter that just turn fourteen on Sept 11. I have been having problem s with her for the past 6 months.
About 10 months ago, a 19yo man was crawling through my daughter window. Needless to say we tossed him out the door with out his shoes. I called him on his cell and told him to stay away from my daughter.
I thought we had resolved the problem, I have had my suspicions but over this past weekend my beautiful intelligent daughter has been having sex with this man. He's now 20 years old and she's 14. I have called the police but they told me there is nothing I could do. Last Sept 20th, my daughter did not come hoime from school....nor did she come home all that night... she spent the night with him.She never called. I was worried sick.
She's my youngest, I have never had this problem before.
I am at my wits end...I am single parent... I have not dated or brought any men into my home. I was very content living for my children.
I am devastated. Tonight she left message. She's not coming home. She knows the house rules...No sleep overs at other peoples houses. I can't reach her. She left the message with my father.
I feel like I am losing my mind. Tonight is first time broke down crying. I don't know... she soesn't care how much this hurts me. She's going to do what she wants.
I am tempted to throw her out... I can't live like this. If she is hell on bent destroying herself...and the law makes me..a parent powerless. There isn't a legal thing I can do about it.
It beginning to effect my work. I am the sole provider...I also care for my father that is 72yo. I don't know how much more I can take?
Thamk you for listening. I am desparate for any advice??
jessymom

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I have some doubts about the veracity of this post. For one thing, there isn't a jurisdiction in this country that would condone sex between a 20 year old and a 14 year old. It could be that you're posting from Pago-Pago or Burundi or something, but in this country (the United States), sex between a 20 year old man and a 14 year old girl will get the attention of the police, unless the 20 year old is the son of the Chief or some such thing.
ILR
Well. Smart ass! For your information. I live in British Columbia Canada and it is LEGAL! Phone for yourself smart ass...I don't need this.
... and I am telling the truth. I am desparate. And if you haven't got any thing positive say. Then I would apprecate you staying off my post.
I am in dire need of help and my family.
Jessy2005
Mea culpa. You might want to put that sort of detail in your post to begin with. 14 is pretty young as an age of consent and Canada is a bit liberal for my taste in that regard.
If she's moved in with him, and you can prove that a relationship of "trust, authority or dependency" exists, you can have him arrested for improper sexual relations with a minor, even under Canadian law.
Also, if there has been anal penetration of any kind, even a finger, (yeah, I know, gross, but you said you were desparate), you can likewise have him arrested.
Otherwise, you, and your daughter, are kinda screwed.
http://www.smith-hughes.com/papers/pdf_bin/ageconse.pdf
That's a link to a short precis on the age of consent laws for Canada.
ILR
Thank you.
Ps. I can't understand why my police can't help me. I think this is as bad as pedofile.
10 months ago, was your daughter 14 yet?
If not, the statute of limitations can't have expired yet. You could have him arrested for that incident if you wanted.
The only thing I can offer you in the way of advice is, move to the states.
If he does it here before she's 16, he's going to jail.
ILR
I am so sorry for you AND for your dd. She is way too young to be doing what she's doing. As her parent, you need to take control. You are well within your rights to restrict her activities. You say she is your youngest. Can you involve her siblings to help you enforce yor rules? Is there an adult at her school (a conselor or teacher) who you can turn to? It must be very difficult for you to be dealing with this alone. At the very least, please take her to a doctor for an exam and to get contraceptives.
jt
My first thought was, besides the obvious, what in heaven's name does a 20 y/o want with a 14 y/o???? IMHO, this young man has some real problems.
A couple of things come to mind - first I would consult the equivalent of the District Attorney. Maybe they will have some suggestions for another legal way of handling this. I would not simply stop at the police. Also, if you know an attorney, maybe contact them as a friend asking another friend for advice. If you don't personally know one and can't afford one, there might be a low-income legal aid in your area - I would check into this. You might also talk to your pastor - he/she might know of someone that counsel you in this area. OUr church has a member that often helps out people that are referred to him by our pastor.
I would also seek family counseling. If she won't go, then go by yourself. Try to find one that specializes in adolescent behavior. They can help you to understand why she is acting this way and they can offer suggestions that might be effective in helping her. At the very least, it would be a great way to deal with your own stress.
Is there a young adult (20's) that she respects that could talk to her? My oldest DD's best friend has been a huge help to me my with youngest DD. She is 23 and has taken my youngest DD under her wing. They are alot alike and DD really respects her opinion.
I would also suggest that you read every book you can find on parenting teens. You won't agree with everything but they seemed to give me courage. I doubt myself alot and seeing some of what I already knew in writing seem to give me confidence.
I wish you alot of luck. Please let us know how things go!
I am so sorry for this! I agree that you need to find
So sorry to hear that you are going through this with your DD. As everyone else has said, your DD is waaaay too young to be involved with a guy this old, and in such a serious relationship. To me this says that she has some serious emotional needs/problems that are not being addressed. Rather than focussing on how many rules you can make, and what you can take away from her for breaking them, focus on what she's looking for emotionally and how you can provide it for her. Get counseling for her, get counseling for yourself, get family counseling. Find out what she likes and wants, and make contracts/deals for getting those things (rahter than just taking stuff away).
IMHO you should NOT pursue this legally on the 20yo. This is a losing strategy - your daughter will hate you, run to him, and truly never look back.
Sue
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