i am new - came here desperate for answe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
i am new - came here desperate for answe
5
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 8:29am
I have 3 children. Now teen-agers. I divorced in 1995. They lived with me in Queens, NY. They are my life. I enjoy their company immensely. I love them unconditionally. One by one as they became high school age they went to live with their dad on long island.
They didn't want to go to catholic school in Queens & it would have been a struggle anyway for me to pay for it - but i would have hustled - but they wanted to live with their dad. Immediately the 2 boys (older) turned on me & stopped speaking to me or having any contact with me. My daughter was my joy. She was always good & in a good mood & we talked about everything & laughed & watched movies & cuddled & she was attached to my hip. She said she would never be like the boys. She turned 15 & wanted to live on Long Island with her dad & go to long island schools and in 2 months she was nasty - cursing at me & said she never wanted to see me again. She doesn't return my calls, she doesn't answer my emails - I went out there to find out why (because we never had a fight or even a misunderstanding) she screamed like i was a monster & ran away from me down the street.
They don't call me for my birthday, mothers day etc...I live in pain. I was a great mom. My friends & family are shocked cause all their kids wish i was their mom. They all tell me my ex-husband brain washed them against me. How could that happen? Don't they know me? We had great times together. I miss them, I love them - they all left me as if i was - i don't know - i can't even figure that out. My ex was abusive to me & thats why we divorced. He is mean & strict and unfair. I am loving & kind & forgiving & encouraging - i made events when they spent time with me. I don't know what to do. I feel like its a waste of precious time. My sister lost her 13 year old daughter to a car accident & i can find tons of grief info to help her - but i never find anything out there to help me know what is the right thing for me to do. Is anyone else experienceing the same? After recieving so much joy from them as babies & young kids - now i have emptiness. I missed out on her sweet 16. Next is graduation & who knows what else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 9:06am


I am so sorry. If I was there in person I would give you a big hug.
Can you not talk to your lawyer, children's aide? It sounds like your ex has manipulated your kids to think that you are a terrible person which to my way of thinking is child abuse.

The only reason a child should be kept from seeing a non-custodial parent is if that parent is a danger to that child (physical and emotional abuse).

Take care Mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 9:14am

Hi, I also wish I could wrap you in a big hug. You sound like you are in immense pain, and rightly so. I'm so sorry for your circumstances. Here are my thoughts, although I will say up front that I have no experience in a situation like yours.

I think first and foremost, you should find yourself a divorce support group. If possible, specifically find a group that the people in the group have children. You might find that many of these people could help you out. To find a group like this, go either to your church, the local hospital, local counseling center, or look in the local newspaper. Those groups are out there, and if you live in Queens then there are probably more than one group around. Second, I would seek some counseling to help you with your grief over this situation. It's difficult to deal with anything when you are overwhelmed with pain, grief, and perhaps a healthy dose of anger. And the third thing is, find some legal help to find out what your rights are in this situation.

Good luck, and hang in there. Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 9:23am
you guys are great - thank you. i have made an appt with a therapist. My fear of telling people is their judgement - "well - if all 3 don't speak with her she must have been a bad mom". How could they choose the abuser? Doesn't any of my blood run in their veins?
Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 9:58am
So sorry that this is happening to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:30am

I feel so badly for you.

You might want to see a lawyer about this - - bad mouthing of another parent is increasingly actionable.

Otherwise, kids do turn around. Give them time.