I am Soooo Mad!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
I am Soooo Mad!
23
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 5:32pm

DS got a deficiency notice today!!! From his PE coach! I've posted about DS here before, he's not a teen yet, but you all have been here already with your boys so maybe you have some advice.

Since the first day of school, DS has been making himself sick worrying about his runs each week. He is chubby and not in the greatest physical shape. We have been assuring him all along that PE is all about participation. That if he dresses out and participates, that's all the coaches want and he should just stop worrying. And then he gets a deficiency! He is pretending he is not upset, but I can tell he is!

To make it worse, the coach gave him a "Needs Improvement" for his effort. Now, DS has 6th period PE and he gets to the car at the end of the day all red faced, hot and sweaty so I KNOW he is exerting a great deal of effort. I also know he tries his best to make his time in that run, but he's just not in shape for it. The deficiency also indicated his current grade in PE was in the C-D range! He had straight A's on his 1st quarter report card and now a C? He missed all his runs last week because he was home sick with bronchitis so when he makes them up, the grade should come up.

Should I just sign the stupid deficiency and send it back without saying anything? Or should do contact the coach and talk to him about it?

Thanks for any advice you might have!

Edited 12/15/2005 6:21 pm ET by julesnalpine




Edited 12/15/2005 6:22 pm ET by julesnalpine
Avatar for phacademy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:15pm

It is nice to see that a school has standards for PE beyond showing up and dressing-out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 1:12pm

Okay ... that one hurt. A lot.

Yes, DS is chubby and yes it is MY fault. Four years ago I was struggling with a debilating illness and while I managed to get the kids to school and back home again, for nearly a year, I did little else but dope myself up with prescription pain killers (and whatever OTC pain killers I had on hand) and wait to pass out. Dinner was whatever fast food DH brought home that day. Both kids sat around watching tv, playing computer games, reading and developing really bad diet and exercise habits. Following surgery, it took me almost another year to finally feel physically well again. And while I am trying, it is very hard to undo the habits DS developed back them. He has done karate, little league, YMCA basketball and has been in tennis lessons twice since April. He's currently enrolled again for winter. I take them roller blading -- and since we live in a neighborhood that is all hills, that involves packing everyone up in the car and DRIVING somewhere flat. I make them walk to the video store. I try to limit his snacking without talking about his weight. DH is not around much. He has a very demanding career and a hobby that consumes most of his off-time. I am also dealing with a lingering virus that has been dragging me down since September. I am doing everything I can to help my son.

In grade school, the PE program is non-existant. MAYBE 1x or 2x a week, the teachers allow 30 minutes of free play at the end of the day. It's absolutely pathetic and unless parents put their kids in organized sports (and we did) that will be just about the only way our kids learn to and play sports. Then they get to middle school and get deficiencies because they can't run a mile, throw a baseball, score a shot from the free-throw line or spike a volleyball.

I'm not talking a little sweat here, I'm talking wet hair, puddles of sweat on his forehad and upper lip and face, stinking to high heaven. No one gets that worked up in 2-3 minutes at the end of class time.

As I mentioned, DS made the run times all 1st quarter and got the highest marks for effort and citizenship. We know that this particular coach adds an extra lap to the run but no extra time. There is NO DOUBT in my mind that DS is trying with everything he's got to make that time and I feel like this coach is punishing my son for being overweight and out of shape. His good buddy, who looks so much like him in physical appearance they could be brothers, got one too.

And now, I can't see the screen through my tears.

Edited 12/19/2005 1:14 pm ET by julesnalpine




Edited 12/19/2005 1:29 pm ET by julesnalpine
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 2:59pm

Julie,
I haven't read all of the OP's, but giving you my two cents, for what it is worth. I have a 16 yo ds that excels ONLY in PE and a 14 yo that up until now, did not excel only in PE. So I have seen it from both sides. I remember the first time my dd got a "C" in PE, her first C ever! She was so shocked...she proceeded to tell me that PE was not an important class anyway, it was not "academic", you get the idea. At the time she was going to the Charter School that my youngest son still attends. Their philosophy is to reward and honor all "types of intelligence". Therefore, PE is a big deal over there. Not an easy A. You must work hard at it, and obviously if you are not the athletic type, you are just going to probably manage a C, which after all is "average" (I think people forget that...LOL).

Now, on the other side of the coin my 16 yo ds with ADD struggles in all other classes, but he is a gifted athlete. He has always been able to count on his one A to help his GPA, and naturally, that one A is not enough. But I'm thankful for my son for the teachers that do reward the kids in PE who are talented...sometimes that's the only acknowledgment they get at school. So try to see it from their point of view. To say that PE is not "important" means that the one thing they excel at is not important. In academic classes, its not enough to show effort but you must actualy have good scores on tests, etc. Same should be with PE, IMHO. Your ds may have to realize that PE is not his strength. He's lucky that everything else, though, apparently is!

I would definitely talk to the teacher if I were you, and let him know how hard he is trying. But be careful not to say or imply in any way that "effort should be enough" for PE. He will probably not take that well!

Good luck and Merry Christmas.

Maria

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 3:42pm

Aw, Jules, forget the previous poster (before your tearful one) she obviously doensn't know the heartache that heavy people deal with day in and day out. My DS was chunky at 11 (I wouldn't call him truly 'fat' but he was working on it.....size 14's too tight, a tummy and a chubby 'chest' area). He has grown about 4-5 inches in the last year and still wears those 14's and they can be loose on him............he's thinned out and shaped up. I have noticed less 'boniness' since it's colder, but he's still looking very normal sized. Your son will hit puberty soon and I would imagine that some of this will dissipate with puberty. But if it doesn't, and if he's destined to be a heavier person, then you'll have to do your best to teach healthy eating habits, and love him anyway.

I was very VERY thin early in my life (til I was 20 or so) so my weight hasn't been a lifelong issue. And for her to take the attiude that it is all the problem of the fat person (or parent of said person) then she's full of s*^%. Yes we all must take responsibility for the actions in our lives. Yes I should eat differently, or excersize more........but welcome to the REAL world of no time, 2 kids and the pitfalls around us. Apparently, she hasn't read how genetics and other factors (illness, both physical and emotional) can contribute to weight issues. Just forget you even read her post. Unfortunately, I'm not the 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' kind of gal----I am not dealing well w/ my weight and I suffer every day for it. Apparently that must make me weak and stupid in her eyes.

So, Jules, don't dispair! Call your son's pe teacher. I bet you'll get positive results. When I was in 2nd grade (I even hated physical activity then) I didn't want to participate in pe. I had glasses and felt 'ugly' next to the other girls. The big handsome pe teacher would squat down and the 'other' little girls got to sit on his knee. I felt left out. So, one day in my VERY BEST mommy handwriting, I told him I couldn't participate in pe because i had a "coff". Guess what? He busted me, took me on his knee (I felt so special, then) and told me that I could come to him any time if I had a problem doing whatever was happening in class. I bet your ds's pe teacher will give him a break too. Now, give YOURSELF a break. You are a great mom.

shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 5:02pm

Julie, DON'T CRY! Isn't it just like us moms to blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong? I don't believe this is your fault!

I've been right where you are, though, crying about my ds and his apparent inability to make it to the very basic standards asked for by our sadly lacking public schools here in California. And yes, I've blamed myself at every turn. What did I do to cause this? Have I not emphasized the importance of education enough? Have I not punished him enough for having incomplete work? Did I not recognize early enough the warning signs of ADD? Should I have placed him on medication when he was younger, before his self-esteem was completely destroyed?

Try not to do this to yourself. ]]]]]

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 6:13pm

Brenda, your home schooling bias is about as subtle as a bull in a china shop.
If you re-read the OP, participation is not in question, nor is the school minimizing the importance of physical activity. Therefore you don't need to feel insulted.

<<>>
What standards are you referring? 1st place in a race? second? third? With few exceptions, PE up to 9th grade is about participation.
Are all chubby 11 yr. olds the result of endless TV and twinkies? I think not. And woe to the PE teacher who thinks it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 7:50pm

Aaack.. Jules….Your fault?
Here’s a guys perspective, for what it’s worth.
When oldest DS was 16 months, he contracted meningitis. This was before the vaccine was developed. He was in ICU for three weeks. The doctors told us to prepare as he would probably not survive. It was a living nightmare. Well..he DID make it but has a host of permanent residual side effects. He’s doing as well as can be expected now, 23 years later.

DW was / is / and will continue to be haunted to her death by her “failure” to bring DS to the doctor earlier. (2 days). Despite sincere and accurate reassurances by the entire team of doctors who patiently explained to her over and over that they do NOT perform spinal taps on infants with flu symptoms, bringing DS to the doctor any earlier would have made absolutely no difference. This did not change how she feels.

Any attempt on my part to explain or try to convince otherwise (which to me was being supportive) was actually considered non-supportive. This example is one of the primary differences between men and women.

So Jules.. I hope that doesn’t happen with this post. At great risk to my personal safety, :-) I’d like to point out that it appears to me that one suffering a debilitating illness needs to concentrate on getting better. Also, a kids weight before puberty is almost entirely due to genetics and their sensitivity to insulin levels. Hence, usually the imps can eat almost anything they want and not be overly affected by it. Since I’m kind of a fitness nut, this information is generally accepted as a given.
I always look forward to your posts. You strike me as such a kind and sensitive person, and a wonderful parent. So when you say it’s your fault, I really think you take on too much.
Hope this message didn’t backfire..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 8:03pm

A couple of thoughts/suggestions. 6th grade is often a big growth spurt year. Chubby kids may well thin out over the next year or two. However, chubby can turn into obese as well. The key really is whether your son is on the correct track now with his diet and exercise so that he can lead a healthy life. If you have not yet done so talk to your doctor and make sure you have an effective and safe diet/exercise regime in place. Do not think that a weight problem will take care of itself, or that he will grow out of it.

Find physical activities that he can enjoy. Middle schools typically have alot of sport opportunities that do not require "making the team". Sign up and try. Who cares if he is not any good -- he will get better at practices, meet some new kids and hopefully have some fun. For really getting in shape quickly, I highly recommend a swim program if at all possible in your area. A half-hour to an hour a day in the pool swimming laps 4 or 5 days a week for 4 to 5 months, combined with a proper diet, and he will not be chubby. He will also be a strong swimmer which is always a good thing. I was never a swim team person myself, but everytime we saw a kid who was a strong swimmer they always had swum on a team somewhere. Because of that a couple of years ago we joined a local neighborhood pool club and signed our kids up for the team mostly to make sure they were good swimmers from a safety perspective. At the end of last summer's 2 month low key swim season my 11 year old daughter literally had a "six pack" from working on her butterfly stroke and she is not a fast swimmer by any means. My 8th grade son passed on the swim team last summer but said he is doing it next summer to help get ready for football season (the fact that there are way more high school girls than boys on the team may also have something to do with it as well). Check out your local Y and rec. programs.

Middle school years are tough on kids, and being chubby does not make things easier. Getting into shape will result in almost immediate short term benefits from increased confidence in himself, as well as the long term benefits of a healthier lifestyle. Reaching that point will take some hard work and there will definitly be times when it will not be fun, but the advantage he has is that at his age it also can happen quickly.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 9:16pm

Thanks, Daddio, that was very sweet ... it didn't backfire at all. I don't know that you've ever posted much about your son and his meningitis. That MUST have been traumatic. I can only imagine what you and your wife went through.

Can you explain to me what this means? Especially the part about insulin levels.

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Thanks again. You are most definitely supportive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 10:49am

Jules, there’s been a lot of research on this. Unfortunately, the research has been muddled with a lot of ridiculous fad diets and misinformation. Most kids can eat endless amounts of junk food and not gain an ounce. Some kids can’t seem to maintain a good weight no matter what they do. Our society then concludes they’re lazy and inactive. That kind of makes me mad.

It really has to do with changes in metabolism and the hormone insulin. That’s why many kids lose their “baby fat” at puberty. Insulin plays a major role in weight gain, and even keeps us from losing weight. Insulin is responsible for the storage of all the foods we eat. However, high glycemic carbohydrates cause blood sugars to rise very rapidly, therefore causing the pancreas to release insulin very rapidly. In some people the body overcompensates and releases too much. The insulin will store these carbohydrates/sugars very quickly. The good side is you get a quick burst of energy; the bad side is most of what is eaten will be stored as fat. On the other hand, if you eat low-to-moderate glycemic carbohydrates, blood sugars rise more slowly therefore so does insulin.

During exercise if insulin levels are high, your body will use more energy from carbohydrates/sugars than from fat. That’s why many people see very little or no results in weight reduction, even though they exercise. The key is to control insulin and blood sugars levels.

So for kids with a genetically sensitive insulin response, they should stay away from high glycemic carbohydrates, which unfortunately, is just about anything packaged, boxed or processed.