I am SOOOO Tired of this!!!!
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| Sat, 02-11-2006 - 10:43pm |
We got the results of dd’s testing both academic and special ed and she falls mostly in the average category and she is not qualified for special ed services. We got a list from the teachers of missing work and I have a new deal with dd - no going out on the weekends or seeing friends until all assignments are completed. At our meeting with her new 2nd semester science teacher it turns out dd has done NONE of the assignments so far! He was going to give us a list but did not by Friday, so I went online and found quite a few things on the homework website.
She had been working on the missing work from her other classes, and actually did most if not all of it; she was allowed to go out for a couple of hours last night to her friend’s house (H) and this afternoon to the movies. I got home, checked the work and found that some work was not done (including science). I made her come home (she wanted to spend the night ) to complete the work. When she realized all the had to do in science, she started crying realizing she was not going to be able to go back to her friend’s house. She said that all her hard work would amount to nothing (I think not since she did get out this weekend!) And that I would effectively keep her a prisoner of our house for weeks to come. She can’t do the science, its too hard, she wants to home school again, etc. etc. I told her we cannot home school, it did not work for us, she has our help whenever she wants it for science, we know how hard it is (chemistry). She does not WANT my help. She just wants me to leave her alone. She ran up to her room crying. I gave her a few minutes and then followed her upstairs. I could hear her crying in her room. I was afraid, frankly, she might hurt herself. Once you know your child has cut herself when very upset, you don’t know what could happen. Finally I walked in without knocking, invading her privacy (to see if she was cutting). She was not but wanted me out of her room. I told her this was my house and let myself in. So she said, fine, take your house I’ll leave and went outside. She came back in a few minutes later and wanted her room again. I picked up a towel of the floor and her blanket off the floor. I was accused of messing with her things. I told her I would be willing to help her clean up because she has a lot to do. She said never mind she’ll do it. I finally had to ask her why she has so much hate in her heart. Told her she needs to think about that. I’ve offered help, she declines it. I’m only trying to teach her that if she takes care of her responsibilities she can have her freedom on the weekends.
The long and the short of it is that I want to know where I went wrong. Why do I have a daughter I don’t even recognize or like? I have not raised her this way. I don’t know if she is involved with drugs or alcohol as I’ve found no evidence of it. But something has taken her away, far, far away from the love she grew up with in our home. She used to be a happy child. She was always independent but in a good way. Now she uses it to push all those who love her away. I have people in my family telling me that I should just leave everything else alone and that my primary objective is to make certain that my dd survives her adolescence! But I believe that failing grades (I don't mean C's, parents!) and a general “I don’t give a s— attitude” about school could have long term ramifications. I saw my own sister virtually drop out of high school - to this day she regrets it and BLAMES MY PARENTS for not forcing her to finish! To this day she has a dead end, go nowhere job!
I will be SOOOOOO glad when my kids are out of the house and no longer my problem! I hate this part of parenting.

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you are not doing anything *wrong* - so stop blaming yourself right there. because then you will enter this vicious cycle of blame-guilt-allowing her to manipulate you.
you need to set the rules in place AND STICK TO THEM. if the deal is <<<
Dragonfly,
Please don't feel that you've done something "wrong". Our kids have minds of their own and the frew will God gave them. In many cases, we can not take credit for their success or blame for their failure. We guide them, we send them into the world and we pray.
I wish I had some concrete advice for you, and I'm sorry I don't. I can only offer support and encouragement.
jt
Oh, I know how you feel. I have definitely BTDT. It is not your fault so don't blame yourself. You are trying to stay on top of her behavior and problems and trying to get help for your dd, that is what a good parent does.
After reading this post and your previous one about the depression/medication I want to make a suggestion: please ask the psychiatrist to rule out bi-polar disorder. There are similar characteristics between ADD and BP but the treatments are different.
I wanted to send you a reply via email but your profile does not allow that...if you would like to discuss this in more detail please email me through my profile.
I am SOOOO sorry you've had a tough weekend with your DD. I'd also like to reiterate what everyone else has said -- this is not your fault! You have done nothing wrong! In fact, you've done everything possible to help your DD and to help her turn her life around. It just seems to be that the teen years are tough ones and each teen responds and reacts to the stresses in different ways. Is she still seeing a counselor?
I also agree that once you've made the rules about 'no going out until all your work is done', you need to stick with it. Making her come home and finish up her schoolwork showed her you mean business, and she did have a little fun with her friend and at went to the movies, so it's not like you haven't showed her you can be a little flexible!
I would have been concerned about her cutting again, too and I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision for you to walk into her room without knocking. I imagine that your concern for her outweighed the notion that she might need/want to be alone right then. But perhaps a little cooling off time after the blow-up would have been a good idea for you both.
About school though. I have to say that at the age of your DD, school and all that goes with it can be a horrible and stressful time. Does your district offer any sort of alternative education? I recently learned that our district has a satellite program with an emphasis in math and science geared toward kids who are 'smart but hate school'. I talked to DS about checking it out, but as much as he dislikes school, he wasn't interested in making a change. Maybe there is another way your DD can finish up the current school year -- there are only FOUR months left -- and then start fresh in the fall.
Just a few thoughts ... sending hugs and chocolate your way ...
Julie
You're right - I should have let her have more time to cool down and not entered without knocking. I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the worries I still have about her possibly cutting. The thing is, I never saw any evidence of it, even when was doing it.
Thanks for reminding me that she is not my sister. But boy, the similarities are amazing in some ways. It scares me because I love my sister dearly but she has made a mess of her life. Thank God it wasn't drugs or any kind of substance abuse, but she just never seems to have the energy to do the things she needs to do. She likes to still blame people for the trouble she's in financially. It's really sad, and as you can appreciate I feel bad for my mom. She made some mistakes, but we all do. Yeah, parenting teens is soooo hard.
In many cases, we can not take credit for their success or blame for their failure.
You're so right, if only more parents didn't take credit for the success of their kids. But in the same way, we also can't take all the blame. I know this fundamentally, sometimes I get so frustrated and I went to rail at God. Why me? You know? I know parents who were alcoholics and ignored their kids, and God just let them have these great kids....I guess you just never know....
I'm so sorry that you're going through this!
Although I don't always agree with the course of action taken by a lot of parents on this board, I think that you are absolutely doing the right thing. In high school, your perception of the world is sooo limited - you're social life seems sooo important. Once you get to college you tend to realize how silly it was to get all upset over trivial things like not being able to spend every waking moment hanging out with your friends. You've just got to get your daughter to the point where she can understand WHY you are doing some of the things you are doing.
Thanks Julie, my district doesn't offer much of anything. California, right? There is one "alternative" school which is basically where they put all the juvenile delinquents...I just won't home school again, and I know deep down she doesn't want this either.
She's still in therapy, and group therapy as well. Now she's on Wellbutrix meds. I think we're doing all we can....I'm getting gray hairs as I write this. I was never quite this much trouble to my mom, I don't know why I got my sister's daughter! LOL. I wish my dd would talk to me, but I guess she knows I won't approve of most of her "thought processes", that's the only thing I can think of. Well, she does tell me some things at least. But she still won't talk to me about boys, as far as I know there is no one boy although I know that she is very interested and desperate to have a b/f. I keep talking to her about sex and I can only hope she's paying attention....
And feel free to rail away. It's healthy and it is far better than letting it all bottle up inside you.
I was a rotten teenager and a terrible student. My parents loved me, ut they didn't care a fraction as much as you do about your dd's schoolwor. School just wasn't important in my family and I was pretty much allowed to do what I wanted (or not do it). Stil they were great parents doing their best and, as a teen, I pretty much ingnored their advice.
There's a point in the maturing process that's pretty much universal. It's the point where you wake up in th emiddle of the night, or have an AHA moment driving down the street where you know - unequivicolly (sp?) - that your parents were right about most things and you were pretty much a snot-nosed know-it-all compeltely clueless kid. This is where you thank God for keeping you alive through it all and it is where you make a mental (and sometimes actual) apology to good old mom and dad.
Your dd will have this moment. I know it's a small consolation right now - you're dealing with some pretty big things with her and it is hard when it seems (and you're wrong on this one) that everyone around you is dealing with nothing more serious than getting Muffy into the right sorority. But remember, she loves you. And she will have that moment.
jt
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