I am SOOOO Tired of this!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
I am SOOOO Tired of this!!!!
19
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 10:43pm

We got the results of dd’s testing both academic and special ed and she falls mostly in the average category and she is not qualified for special ed services. We got a list from the teachers of missing work and I have a new deal with dd - no going out on the weekends or seeing friends until all assignments are completed. At our meeting with her new 2nd semester science teacher it turns out dd has done NONE of the assignments so far! He was going to give us a list but did not by Friday, so I went online and found quite a few things on the homework website.

She had been working on the missing work from her other classes, and actually did most if not all of it; she was allowed to go out for a couple of hours last night to her friend’s house (H) and this afternoon to the movies. I got home, checked the work and found that some work was not done (including science). I made her come home (she wanted to spend the night ) to complete the work. When she realized all the had to do in science, she started crying realizing she was not going to be able to go back to her friend’s house. She said that all her hard work would amount to nothing (I think not since she did get out this weekend!) And that I would effectively keep her a prisoner of our house for weeks to come. She can’t do the science, its too hard, she wants to home school again, etc. etc. I told her we cannot home school, it did not work for us, she has our help whenever she wants it for science, we know how hard it is (chemistry). She does not WANT my help. She just wants me to leave her alone. She ran up to her room crying. I gave her a few minutes and then followed her upstairs. I could hear her crying in her room. I was afraid, frankly, she might hurt herself. Once you know your child has cut herself when very upset, you don’t know what could happen. Finally I walked in without knocking, invading her privacy (to see if she was cutting). She was not but wanted me out of her room. I told her this was my house and let myself in. So she said, fine, take your house I’ll leave and went outside. She came back in a few minutes later and wanted her room again. I picked up a towel of the floor and her blanket off the floor. I was accused of messing with her things. I told her I would be willing to help her clean up because she has a lot to do. She said never mind she’ll do it. I finally had to ask her why she has so much hate in her heart. Told her she needs to think about that. I’ve offered help, she declines it. I’m only trying to teach her that if she takes care of her responsibilities she can have her freedom on the weekends.

The long and the short of it is that I want to know where I went wrong. Why do I have a daughter I don’t even recognize or like? I have not raised her this way. I don’t know if she is involved with drugs or alcohol as I’ve found no evidence of it. But something has taken her away, far, far away from the love she grew up with in our home. She used to be a happy child. She was always independent but in a good way. Now she uses it to push all those who love her away. I have people in my family telling me that I should just leave everything else alone and that my primary objective is to make certain that my dd survives her adolescence! But I believe that failing grades (I don't mean C's, parents!) and a general “I don’t give a s— attitude” about school could have long term ramifications. I saw my own sister virtually drop out of high school - to this day she regrets it and BLAMES MY PARENTS for not forcing her to finish! To this day she has a dead end, go nowhere job!

I will be SOOOOOO glad when my kids are out of the house and no longer my problem! I hate this part of parenting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 12:31pm
Ohhhhh.....I really feel for you. My DH and I are going through a similar situation w/our DD. The hardest thing to do is to be extremely consistent and stick to it. They can and will try everything to get you to change your mind about their grounding. The nagging, name calling and outbursts will only continue if they know they can change your mind. After making the mistake of believing our DD and being too lenient on her punishment, we are now at the point where everything is gone; cell phone, internet access, going out, tv and stereo are also out of her room. No driver temps either. She has also been kicked off the dance team so now she is beginning to finally realize that her actions created her situation. We stopped lecturing and pointing out the things she was doing "wrong" and that seemed to help as well. If she asks for a privilege, we let her know that when she shows responsibilty, we will allow 1 privilege back at a time. Try to hang in there, they say it will get better (I anxiously await that day myself). Good luck to you and Happy Valentine's Day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 1:37pm

She's 14, and I should worry about this....why? ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 2:33pm

I know you're right, what is most amazing to me is that my 16 y.o. ds has already had this moment. For all his teenage boy immaturity and ADD symptoms both at home and school, he is in some ways so mature. We had a conversation recently where I for some reason said, "Well, someday you'll be grateful that your parents didn't let you do whatever you wanted whenever you wanted..." and he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "I appreciate that now." Wow! This kid has always been the one to surprise me...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 4:27pm

I was in a rotten situation with

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 5:23pm
The only reason I bring it up is because you don't want her "settling into" a med (that she may take for years to come) and later run into problems.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 8:49pm
Hang on to that.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 8:54pm
and i'm thinking....where can i buy a case of this for by eternally boy crazy dd??? (in her words "j/k")
jt (looking for a modern day salt-peter)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:11am

I could have so easily written that post a couple of years ago. You are handling this pretty much the way I did. I also had DD tested by a psychologist for ADD and she was later put on medication. The other main thing I did was to go to an adolescent counselor myself. DD refused to so I sort of went in her place. The counselor explained to me some of the why for her behavior and offered me suggestions on how to deal with it. It was a wonderful stress release for me as well.

Please hang in there and be consistent with the rules that you've laid out. Last night my DD actually got into an argument with her b/f over the house rules that we have. He told her she didn't have a clue how to compromise b/c she'd never seen any compromise in her home. She informed him that #1 we are the parents and we don't have to comprise but #2 we do compromise with her about 90% of the time now that she has earned our trust back. I was flabbergasted - she actually defended us!! She went to the grocery yesterday, made dinner, did the dishes and two loads of launder - all without being asked just b/c it was mom's late day and she didn't have homework. She is a straight A student now.

When the yelling starts, I either told her that I wouldn't hear anything she said if it was said without respect and calm. She either calmed down or i would walk away until she was calm. Do not let her push your buttons (easier said than done - I know).

I promise it does get better!!

Lia

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 3:20pm

Thank you, Lia. It is inspiring to hear about how your dd has made a turn around.

Yesterday we saw the dr. and she increased dd's meds to 300 mg. a day (from the lowest dosage, 150 mg.) I imagine because dd has had no side effects, and told dr. she didn't feel any difference. Although dd has not noticed any change, I have. She just seems more lighthearted these days and I see the "old" dd back again in some ways. We talk more, and she seems to listen and respond better. This morning before I took her to school, she hid in the kitchen and then leaped out and surprised me, laughing. I laughed too - she really got me, and I had to stop for a moment and realize I don't remember the last time something like that happened between dd and I....I hate to think that a pill was needed to get this kind of thing back. I do have to keep reminding myself that some kids have a harder time with adolescent than others, and all the raging hormonal changes in their young bodies. Hopefully, God willing, we are doing the right thing.

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