Boy this is a tough one for me. There are some things that you are saying that remind me of me a few years ago. When K had her first real boyfriend at the end of 8th grade he and I got pretty close. He used to ask me all kinds of questions about her and how to treat her well. We got along great, there were times when I realized much later that K was having a problem with this. He would be on IM and ask to talk to me or i would be on IM and he would pop in to just talk. At the time I thought this was great, I enjoyed being with them and having a good relationship with her bf. In the end it all came back to bite me in the butt. Nothing inappropriate was going on by any means. But one of the other kids that he was friends with told him that he shouldn't be so friendly with me, that it just was weird that we got along. This kid put some odd ideas in his head about K and about me. They ended up breaking up and who do you think he blamed it on? Me! K wasn't upset with me, she knew it was him and not me, but in the long run I learned that they did need their time together without me. Since then I have been friendly with the guys she has dated, but I try not to get to close and not spend a ton of time with them. They need the time to get to know how to spend time talking with each other with out having me there. I still am friendly with her friends and they still love to talk with me and ask for advice etc. but I find that we are all better off if I try not to get too involved with her bf relationships. I still get to know them and talk with her about what's going on with them etc. but until there is a really long term committed relationship going on I don't want to get attached. A friend of ours told DH that they don't get attached to their dd's bf's because they leave and then everybody is missing them not just their dd. Sounds like this is somewhat of what has happened with you, you are attached and now he isn't exactly who you thought he was and it is tough to deal with. I hope I am making sense here, i'm pretty tired and I think I am rambling, better end now. Kristie
I think the thick line is his asking you for advice on how to deal with dd. I would say 'this is something you two need to work out on your own' and stick to it like a mantra
The thin line would be talking with him on the cell about anything. I don't think you two should have that kind of relationship(and I am NOT implying anything improper)I think you talk to him when he is at the house about how his car is holding up and how you like his new hair cut(random examples) Or ask the two what their plans are for the evening
But it shouldnt get 'personal'. He can know DH is deploying Aug 10th but sharing how you feel about it crosses a boundary. If he asked, I would say a quick "Im sad, of course. Well, time to get on that laundry" and move away-literally.
You probably need to find someone to do some of the male tasks around the house. He's over and you need to move the buffet? Sure, ask. But routine and predictable gardening, pool maintenance, etc needs to be done by you and your kids or hired out
I dont know what I would do about the football coaching with DS? Probably go with it but let it stay between them(no "I want you to work with him on......" )Let it be 'playtime' and not much else
This is my opinion, obviously, but you sounded like you needed specifics and this is how I would do it
>>>I guess I just don't know how to be nice to this kid without getting close to him or attached. I'm still not sure how I was overly-involved, I guess by giving advice when asked. Do I go back to normal, but just don't give advice when asked? >>>
Yes, be yourself, be pleasant, invite him to eat dinner with you, basically things remain the same. EXCEPT, when they start pulling you into their business, you have to draw that line...make it known that you will NOT get involved in their business - they have to figure out how to work it out themselves. If they are old enough to have a relationship, then they need to work on resolving their own issues on their own.
Separately, you can do some role playing with dd to help her manage her reactions better, guage her limititations and anger better, but that's it. You cannot become entrenched in their relationship.
Counseling will definitely help and this is a topic you can discuss openly in front of dd so she knows you need a firmer boundary in place. The counselor should work with both of you on this so it is very clear what your limited role will be in regards to their relationship. Best of luck and hugs~
At the time I thought this was great, I enjoyed being with them and having a good relationship with her bf. In the end it all came back to bite me in the butt. Nothing inappropriate was going on by any means. But one of the other kids that he was friends with told him that he shouldn't be so friendly with me, that it just was weird that we got along. This kid put some odd ideas in his head about K and about me. They ended up breaking up and who do you think he blamed it on? Me! K wasn't upset with me, she knew it was him and not me, but in the long run I learned that they did need their time together without me. Since then I have been friendly with the guys she has dated, but I try not to get to close and not spend a ton of time with them.
They need the time to get to know how to spend time talking with each other with out having me there. I still am friendly with her friends and they still love to talk with me and ask for advice etc. but I find that we are all better off if I try not to get too involved with her bf relationships. I still get to know them and talk with her about what's going on with them etc. but until there is a really long term committed relationship going on I don't want to get attached.
A friend of ours told DH that they don't get attached to their dd's bf's because they leave and then everybody is missing them not just their dd.
Sounds like this is somewhat of what has happened with you, you are attached and now he isn't exactly who you thought he was and it is tough to deal with.
I hope I am making sense here, i'm pretty tired and I think I am rambling, better end now.
Kristie
Edited 9/1/2007 3:29 pm ET by kel7col4
I think the thick line is his asking you for advice on how to deal with dd. I would say 'this is something you two need to work out on your own' and stick to it like a mantra
The thin line would be talking with him on the cell about anything. I don't think you two should have that kind of relationship(and I am NOT implying anything improper)I think you talk to him when he is at the house about how his car is holding up and how you like his new hair cut(random examples) Or ask the two what their plans are for the evening
But it shouldnt get 'personal'. He can know DH is deploying Aug 10th but sharing how you feel about it crosses a boundary. If he asked, I would say a quick "Im sad, of course. Well, time to get on that laundry" and move away-literally.
You probably need to find someone to do some of the male tasks around the house. He's over and you need to move the buffet? Sure, ask. But routine and predictable gardening, pool maintenance, etc needs to be done by you and your kids or hired out
I dont know what I would do about the football coaching with DS? Probably go with it but let it stay between them(no "I want you to work with him on......" )Let it be 'playtime' and not much else
This is my opinion, obviously, but you sounded like you needed specifics and this is how I would do it
>>>I guess I just don't know how to be nice to this kid without getting close to him or attached. I'm still not sure how I was overly-involved, I guess by giving advice when asked. Do I go back to normal, but just don't give advice when asked? >>>
Yes, be yourself, be pleasant, invite him to eat dinner with you, basically things remain the same. EXCEPT, when they start pulling you into their business, you have to draw that line...make it known that you will NOT get involved in their business - they have to figure out how to work it out themselves. If they are old enough to have a relationship, then they need to work on resolving their own issues on their own.
Separately, you can do some role playing with dd to help her manage her reactions better, guage her limititations and anger better, but that's it. You cannot become entrenched in their relationship.
Counseling will definitely help and this is a topic you can discuss openly in front of dd so she knows you need a firmer boundary in place. The counselor should work with both of you on this so it is very clear what your limited role will be in regards to their relationship. Best of luck and hugs~