I do not like his friends and now look what happened

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2011
I do not like his friends and now look what happened
10
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 7:25pm

I am looking for a furum to be able to talk to parents who will not judge me or my kid's even though what we are dealing with is very bad.

I am not sure if this is the place, I am having a hard time navigating the site so I dont have a great

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Oh, I understand.

I just didn't want you to feel as hopeless as your last post sounded..... I want you to feel ok. It's hard... I know.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999

Most of the time I *do* have faith that he will eventually figure it out... however, at the moment I am so disappointed in his incredibly poor choices in the last month or so, that I'm very discouraged.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
I'm sorry, but you're wrong, too.

After all these years of reading about S , don't you dare think he might not turn it around. I know I don't know him personally, but in my heart I just believe he will. Call me stupid, or whatever. But I've seen the kids that were able to turn it around, and those that didn't. Was a social worker, worked in prisons with the worst of the worst... and there's some undefinable "thing" that I can see in some, and I can tell which will and which won't, turn it around.

Sorry if I'm just posting, and rambling... but I'm almost always right. S is just slower than some at this, like my son. I've seen the ones up close that won't make it. Ours aren't those.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
I'm sorry, but you can't make a generalization about friends. My son has several friends in college, were great friends in school, and doing well. They stand by him.

My son is in prison. He gravitates to all sorts of people. Not all of his friends are "losers" like most would like to paint him.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
No, the friends aren't ALL to blame. But don't let others let you think that friends aren't a huge part of this. Of course, at 19 there's nothing you can do. But yes, bad friends can tear some children down.

Rose, I don't think he meant he expected his friends to bail him out of this mess. Like mine, I bet he's more worried that they're in serious trouble, and he's worried about that.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999

he is worrying about THEM and if they "have his back" (a term that makes me cringe).

I can sure understand why that makes you cringe - it implies that he is expecting them to help him out of this mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I know it's natural for parents to not want to have their kids go through any pain, but kids don't grow up to be responsible adults w/o having to face the consequences of their own actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2011

Thank you Bunnierose for your reply to my post. I went over as you said to your reply to the other post and I am sorry :(

Looks like both our sons will have a long road ahead.

At 19 my son is just so far in the "friend" zone that I want to shake him. Even while he sits there in jail he is worrying about THEM and if they "have his back" (a term that makes me cringe).

He went so far as to call a bonds person (he has no bond right now) JUST to ask them to 3 way call him to his friend.

I have some HUGE issues of my own with wanting to FIX everything all the time. Never wanting my kids to feel the pain or hurt life will inevidable have waiting for them at any given time. Weather self inflicted or not.

That I know is MY issue and one that I have to deal with - I suppose therapy will be in order, lol.

Also I will take the advice from both replys here about not placing ALL the blame on his friends. I have to thank you guys very much for that insite. Its hard, super hard to do but you are both 100% correct. There, of course is so much more to this story but he had the option to not be in that place at that time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999

See he end of my post at "what did we really do New Years' Eve"!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

I am sorry you are going through this.

Teens and young people do incredibly stupid things. I do not think it is fair to blame the friends; it just eliminates our kids taking the responsibility they so badly need to step up and take.

So, first, I recommend putting the "friends" out of your mind. See if your son needs a lawyer or if a public defender will work out. Since he is of legal age, you need to be careful in advising him. Your presence in any meetings may eliminate the lawyer's confidentiality requirement(yep, I have BTDT).

Be supportive and do what you can to help but be careful you are not in any way enabling his future behaviors.

He needs to pay the price but not at whatever the maximum is-be sure you get good legal advice. He is young and I believe they generally cut them some slack.