I don't know if I can do this

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
I don't know if I can do this
4
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 2:18pm

I posted this on another board and copied to here also. I need all the advice I can get!! TIA-Stephanie

Okay Ladies, I need you to help me now. Let me give a brief history...my husband is in the military, but works a second job for a friend of my daughters'. They own 30 acres of land that my husband takes care of a couple of hours a week. We also house-sit and I take care of the horses and the 15 yr. old boy. We always have a blast in their 4,000 sq. foot house and pool, hot tub, and ATV's and all their other toys. So, we've been there this past week and something happened this time that hadn't happened before. It has thrown me off completely. My 13 1/2 yr. old daughter, Brittany and 15 yr. old A.J. have fallen for each other BIG TIME!!! Now, it is really sweet to watch my daughter have this huge crush, and A.J. is a good kid- but he's 15!!!! You probably think that's no big deal but she is a naive, young 13 yr. old, and he is 15 and is basically a spoiled little rich kid. She cannot give a 15 yr. old boy what he wants- she's only ever kissed a boy on the lips, but not made-out. I know that's all coming with time but I don't want her to get so caught up with him that she goes farther than she's ready to because of his age. Does that make sense? Of course I remember my first crush on an older boy- and I followed him around like a puppy dog and it was sickening. I took everything he said to heart and thought that he spent every waking moment thinking about me like I was him. So, inevitably I got my heart stepped on....I don't know if I can watch her go thru that. My poor baby has no clue what's to come. He's a teenager in 10th grade, she's a kid in 8th grade. Also, what bothers me is that she has started pulling away from me big time...which I hate. It's normal, I know, but I hate all this growing up crap!!! See what you ladies have in store for you? Well, anyone have any words of wisdom? Thanks!!!! Stephanie




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 2:30pm

Well I went through the same thing with my dd when she was 13, she had a friend who was a bad influence and over at that friend's house she met this boy who lived across the street, etc. and this boy was 15 at the time. The first thing I disapproved of was the age difference - 2 years at this age is huge, imo. Also, although we did not "know" this boy, but one look at him (when he came over to pick up dd) and dh knew he was a drug user. Because dd was only 13, I started controlling her environment more - after I realized not only was her friend a bad influence but her mother was too (!) she was no longer allowed over there. Eventually she stopped liking him - I think my dd's tolerance for boys has been about 2 to 4 weeks so far (she's fickle, LOL). From what I've learned, this is typical at this age.

The good thing about this is it will force you to start the talks with your dd, if you haven't already, that should continue for years to come about sex, respect, protection, etc. This is such a difficult time - I cried many tears the year my dd was 13. It was a terrible time for us. She wound up depressed and cutting, and I put her into therapy. I had many talks about sex and respect. I'm a christian and like to set high moral standards, but I finally bit the bullett and I told her that while I would never approve, if she one day has a boyfriend, and she get to that point...she can come to me for protection and I will make sure she has it. As difficult as that will be, and believe me, when it happens I will probably cry bucketloads.

There are some great moms here with older teenage dd's who will probably have some great advise for you - at least they did for me when I first came here a year ago. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 3:13pm

Not every relationship between a 13 yo and a 15 yo is a nightmare. Although 2 years seems like a "big deal" at this age when you consider that boys, typically, mature alot more slowly than girls at this time in their lives it really ISN'T as big a difference. Now it all depends on the two kids and their individual personalities of course.

You say your daughter is naive but most 13 yo's are. So are most 14 and 15 yo's. They don't gain that much insight in those two years, believe me. And he's a spoiled 15 yo boy. So other than the fact that he is a boy and he is "spoiled" in your view is there anything else to disapprove of? Is he an overall good kid who does well in school etc.? Or is he a troublemaker?

Also, just because your dd is going around all googly eyed doesn't mean he is returning her feelings. And she may be disappointed eventually but at some point if he keeps ignoring her she is just going to give up.

I know it is hard to watch your dd go through this but even though you had a painful experience yourself, would you not say that it was an important learning experience for you? Would you prefer your dd continue to be naive and inexperienced and not learn the lessons life has in store for her? Of course you have to be there for her and give her advice but if you try to stop her from having these experiences, how is she ever to gain this knowledge?

And btw, it is always painful to see our kids get hurt. When they are 13, 16, 18 or 44, we never want to see them go through these things. But you, me and all the other women here have gone through alot and are still here to tell the story. We survived, hopefully we learned something about ourselves and we move on.

C'est la vie...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 3:35pm
No, A.J. is a great kid with a great personality. He is also alot of fun and the two of them have alot of fun together- playing flirty games (like chasing each other throwing plastic grapes at each other- like little kids)- He is a spoiled kid, not just opinion here though. His parents are divorced, dad living in Hatteras, NC which is a notorious party town in the summer (AJ spends summers there), he has traveled extensively, and mom is really on her own path gaining independance and going to college. Together mom and dad own many businesses and race horses and have a net worth of over $6 million. Anyway, having the travel and money experience, and his age has made him a bit more "experienced." He has not had a girlfriend for some time. So, no I don't have any complaints on his character at all. But, I know that I always "hung out" with the older boys (my brother was a musician and I followed him around)- I was always the cute little sister that hung around. Well, everyone else was smoking pot and having sex and I didn't want to be the cute LITTLE kid....so I started smoking pot to be "older", I also had sex. I had a good first sexual experience....as good as it could be at 15- but it wasnt under distress or anything. This is how we envision this all going down....AJ wants to go to movies with Brittany. Well, that's fine, except Dad will be sitting a row or 2 behind. There are only so many times a 15 yr. old boy is going to go on "chaperoned" dates with, with her dad to boot. According to AJ he likes Brittany too...but he is telling 2 different stories. My husband asked him what was going on and he said that they were just good friends, that after all, she is only 13. But, he told her that he liked her and did'nt want her to leave and that he wanted to take her out and so on. So, that's the deal. Thank you for your words of wisdom....I need more!!! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 5:20pm

There really is a lot of difference emotionally between a middle school child and a high schooler.

Pam