I feel I need to say sorry and explain

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
I feel I need to say sorry and explain
17
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 4:40pm

I posted under another thread about being very upset with boys getting a bum rap. As I think about it, I know I am just very frustrated right now, because of certain things that have happened to my DS. I shouldn't take it out on all mothers of girls...I do however hope that some would learn not to blame everything on boys.

My DS is a great kid. He believes that he will keep his virginity until he is married. Now I don't know if that will really happen but I applaud him for believing and trying to live this way. Lately, he has been with some great girls, and I have gotten to know the parents enough to have had several conversations with them. They always seem to end up with the parents of girls saying how all boys think with their *blanks* and that they worry sooooo much about their girls. It seems ok to make jokes about boys and their hormones and that all they think about is sex (which I know is partially true) BUT I Have seen these girls at my house, many times....hanging on the boys, flirting, teasing etc. These parents have acted like, their girls do nothing.

Recently, one of the sets of Parents, jokingly (but I knew they were partly serious) refered to our media room as "the rape cave". We have lots of good kids hanging out watching movies, playing video games etc. We go up frequently to just "check in". This has really bothered me since. I wonder how they would feel if I (without any reason to back it up) referred to their home as a "whore house" or to their daughters as "sluts". That is what I feel they were inferring that my house is a rape cave or my son and his friends are rapists.

Anyway, sorry this is so long, I just felt the need to explain my current frustration :)

Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 5:04pm

{{{{Julie}}}}}


I'm so sorry you're having to go through this... in a way I had to deal with something similar with my DS S and his then-g/f (now wife) when they were dating in high school and the first couple of years of college.

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Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 5:04pm
No need to explain to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 5:05pm

The "rape cave"?!??!?! Wow! That is a very out-of-line comment for anyone to make. What's wrong with that parent?

I am the mother of a girl, but I can see how upsetting it must be for mothers of wonderful sons to hear that constant beat of the "boys-are-so-bad" drum. I know that in our politically correct age it is frowned on for anyone to hint that a girl in any way "has it coming" to her for being a tease, but I'm sorry - when girls lead boys on they have to take some responsibility for boys at least getting upset with them.

I recently addressed this with my own daughter because she liked a guy and even though nothing physical ever happened, they were engaging in a lot of dirty text-messaging (see earlier post by me). I explained to her that she was letting him think that "stuff" would happen between them by doing this. She told him she wouldn't be talking that way anymore, but about a week ago she told me he admitted to her (now they're just friends, keeping all conversations clean and he's interested in someone else)that part of the reason he stopped liking her as more than a friend was because he felt she did lead him on by continuing to have those conversations with him. To him, those dirty words were sort of like implied promises of certain behaviors.

I do believe that parents of either boys or girls that behave themselves suffer the consequences of the behavior of both boys and girls whose parents are indifferent to their conduct.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 7:21pm

It upsets me too but I am glad you moved it to a different thread to be discussed.

It takes two-pure and simple.

Any girl of high school age who is not mentally impaired is capable of deciding for herself whether or not she wishes to engage in sex. Unless physical force is used or threatened, she is a willing participant and shares 50% responsibility

Parents may not agree with a girls decision but that doesn't mean she was incapable. I have made many a bad decision in my life but I am not incapable of the decision making process and I don't need anyone to 'protect' me.

I have to admit I am struck by the differences in response from parents of girls vs boys

To my knowledge, none of my boys engaged in sex at 14 but, if they had, we would have a serious talk and I would most likely be limiting their opportunities for further encounters but it wouldnt occur to me to seek counseling, wonder about why he was 'acting out', or hire a lawyer. It would be an undesirable behavior I had taught against and hope to avoid like plagiarizing an English paper(which DS2 DID do about that age)

I really dont get why there is such a difference. Do we think girls cant enjoy sex and therefore must have been forced???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 8:10pm

<>


Actually I do think that is part of the problem - the old double standard where "good girls" aren't interested in sex, despite plenty of evidence to the contrary.

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:41pm

"On the other side of the coin, I've heard a lot of parents talk about how some boy broke their DD's heart while he was going merrily on his way. Unless my DSs are much different than most boys, boys can have their hearts broken just as seriously as girls can"

Oh yes, I Totally agree with this, so I guess my boys are like yours and I am willing to bet that there are many out there :) When my ds was in the beginning of 9th grade I had to sit and listen to a group of moms talk about how upset they were that they had to worry for their DD's who had not been asked to the homecomming dance, and that how boys would NEVER know that kind of humiliation......WRONG.....my ds got turned down by the girl he asked and everyone got a big kick out of it. Humiliation...sadness.....tears, yep, boys cry them too :)

Thanks to all that have answered. I really don't mean to "bash" girls moms :) I have a DD also. I guess I will concider myself lucky though that I will be able to help my dd in a way with boys/men that I might not have if I hadn't had the boys first.

Julie

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Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:27pm

Let's get to the real issue here --- ANY type of stereotyping and generalisation of this sort is not only wrong, it is hurtful and damaging.

The way one conducts oneself in society is 100% entirely about them and them alone and not their gender or their race or their social status or their religion -- period end of story. The quicker we live and breathe this philosophy in all our lives the better off we will all be.

Although there are certainly boys and young men who are very interested in pursuing young girls for sexual favours, there are in my experience far MORE who are interested in more than that or just not really placing as much importance on girls and sex than all the stereotypes say they should be. Same with the girls. Yes, the girls who dress and act in a sexualized manner stand out and get our attention. But the truth is the VAST majority do not behave this way. Most kids are just trying to figure out who they are and how to live their lives. They are just growing and learning and experiencing life and they are each doing so at their own pace and in their own way. And there are so many unfair stereotypes placed up on them as teens -- ie they are lazy, rude, inconsiderate, shiftless, sexually active, drug users, angry etc etc.... From what I know and see around me, they are no more or less so than many adults I know.

So, I hear ya...I have a daughter and a son right behind her and I refuse to let her or anyone male-bash anymore than I'd let them insult my dd by criticizing females. I'm definitely in your camp on this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:31pm
Not only is calling something a "rape-cave" way out of line it is INSULTING and deamening to women who have been the victim of sexual crimes. Rape is not a term to joke about and I hate it when people throw around terms like this loosely. If you ever hear this from this parent again just stop them and say "excuse me, my son is not a rapist" and then leave it at that. Help them understand what the heck they are saying...sorry if these people are close to you but frankly I think these people are ignorant.
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:06pm

" If you ever hear this from this parent again just stop them and say "excuse me, my son is not a rapist" and then leave it at that."

I actually didn't hear the statement, they said it in front of my son and his friend :(, but they have joked about the media room before in front of me.

After I posted this today, I realized that we needed to address this one. My son and his friend are going to go over there tomorrow and tell them how it made them feel. Also my DH is going to talk to the father, the one who made the comment and let him know how we didn't appreciate him saying this about our home...and our son. Thanks for your thoughts and wish the guys luck tomorrow :)

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 6:40am

Good luck to your guys Julie.

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