I goofed, now what do I do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
I goofed, now what do I do...
9
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 11:04pm

Well, we moved --partly to make my husband's commute easier[[altho an alternative would have been for him to take a place in the city and stay a few nights a week. But also my dd who is going on 15, just entering high school really wanted a fresh start...she really didn't want to go to boarding school...So, we moved for the commute and her to go to a new school...she likes having 107 kids in her grade altho it is spread out in so many towns, you don't get to travel to them when school is out. But she is staying busy with sports--so that is good.

The 13 yr old is high honor roll, citizenship award, sports award, very responsible and independent...she always dreamed of going to a very hard to get in boarding school...
her chances of getting in her couselor said were much increaed if she stayed in her old school that only went to 8th grade--and where the reachers knew her since she was three...plus her uncle would have paid to keep her there...

She agreed to move...but I knew it wasn't the best for her--it suited the family--and becuz she is the most resilient and least needy, we tend as parents to put her needs last--she always just has to suck it up and adjust...she even went to a weight loss camp with the 15 yr old altho the 13 yr old's nickname is twig...

anyway, we're in the new town--it is very urban--she hates the city, traffic, highways and loves the country and to walk to school. In short, she doesn't like it here. /she announced she doesn't like the new school. It doesn't challenge her, it's too technical, and socially it is a bust becuz it is spread out over so many miles and we live in a town where there are only little kids for the most part--no teens out of a hundred families in our complex for example...

She's been good about it...But now, she is definitely going to boarding school to her dad's disappointment.. But I will help her. I feel badly that I put her needs last. I wish I had let her stay down at the other school. We still have our house there. I could have divided my time. The new school doesn't have a graduation, as it goes to 12th grade. Her father told her she can't mention boarding school.

She has been in a bad mood. She says it's becuz I mention it to her when she says how she doesn't like this or that and that I offer to let her go back .I did hold a spot for her there--not financially--but it is a private school and they like her and our family as they have known her for ten years. They would take her back. She says tranferring is out tho.

Anyway, it's hard sometime when you have two kids. You sacrifice the stronger one's happiness for the weaker one;s needs--that is one that needs the most help. The school tuitions have set us back a fortune. There is no high school here to speak of that is why there are no teens here.

Anyway, they both say the school is too easy--that they covered it all in the last school. I said to my 15 yr old that used to require a tutor--well now you'll be able to get great grades without as much homework. She screamed you think I'm stupid.

I guess I have to laugh at myself. I try to help them both and it seems I just annoy them. Well, who else are they going to blame. The 15 yr old is not taking her acne med.--I don't know why..she wants clear skin. The 13 yr old is saying to please get her to a derm before the next party down near her old school. there is no social life here. Other moms says it takes about a year before you get to see kids outside of school/.

I understand her unhappiness here. It's great for adults to be close to the city or a kid that likes it as my 15 yr old does or has been used to it.. But it is a huge traffic jam here, and living without a place to play outside is just not her style...Now, I hope I can get her into the boarding school she wants altho I want her happy..

The 15year old never really wanted boarding school, but she says if the other one goes, then she is going too.

Well, we like being near the city ...but I really wish I had let my dd who is 13 finsih out 8th grade and had the glorious graduation they do at the old school--the festivites go on for at least two weeks. She sawher sister have the big good byesot of a celebration of putting in so much effort.
Oh, well, just venting, as I feel sorry I didn't do right by her. Lots of moms stay behind to let their kids finish school. They both said they will not learn anything new. /They want to be challeneged--not just get high grades becuz they jnow the stuff.

Oh, well, who knew. About 15 per cent of the class go to Ivy League schools. So, I thought that was good. She wants to go to Princeton. Anybody know of any good boarding schools. I'm going to do my best now to meet her needs. Last year I started applying to privae schools late and it was a horror show--we couldn't make the deadlines. I hate asking for recommendations from the new school. But I don't want to hold her back or to see her unhappy as she is here.

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 9:48am
Sorry that they are going through this, but you had good reasons for moving, and your kids need to give it a fair try and live with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 11:28am
I have to agree with weberdns0. I don't see where you "goofed". Your family made a decision about what was best for all of you. Now your kids are picking up on your doubts and playing off of them. We have also moved several times. It is particularly hard when your kids are teens, but they can and should learn to adjust. It will take time for your kids to feel at home in this new place, but they need to understand that they are part of a larger family and that you are all in this together. It seems from this and your other posts that you are letting your kids "play you like a violin." I don't mean any disrespect, but kids will take advantage of any sign of weakness in their parents, teachers, etc. You need to stand firm, stay positive, and guide them through this transition. For example,instead of bemoaning the fact that your DD will miss out on the 8th grade graduation at her old school, you could point her towards something else to look forward to. Maybe you could have your own special celebration at the end of the school year--a party, a family trip, whatever might work for your family. Depending on how you and your DH handle this, it could turn out to be a very beneficial life lesson for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 11:46am

Meant to reply to sunnymommillion.....

Like OPs, I don't think you made a mistake. Ask your DDs to stick it out one year in their new schools, and that then you will reassess.

I was one of the moms who stayed back in MI with my DS, a senior in HS, when my DH moved to the DC area in June, 2006. Believe me, there are times I wished we'd moved together, even if it meant leaving his friends behind. I thought that since DS was always closer to me because DH had been traveling a lot, that DS would not miss DH all that much, but I was wrong. DS got into big trouble once for drinking when I was visiting DH in VA; and he also smoked a little pot his senior year. Maybe that would have happened even if we had moved him to VA, but I think with his dad around, he would have been a bit more fearful of the consequences and maybe he would have stayed in line. So there are definite advantages to keeping the family together, even if the girls seem unhappy with their schools. Usually the younger they are, the more easily they adapt. After a year your DD13 just might be telling you how glad she is that you decided to move.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 1:56pm
I agree w/ everyone else that you did what you thought was best and now you shouldn't let your kids hit you w/ a guilt trip. I also thought that if your kids can't adjust to moving to a new town & school while still living w/ the family, how would they adjust to boarding school, which also has new kids, new place to live & no family support? I would focus on trying to get them into activities where they can meet other kids so they won't feel as left out. As far as school being too easy, isn't it only the first few weeks of school? Usually the beginning is easy cause it's review of what they learned in the past and it might get harder as the year progresses. Also, do they have different levels of classes? In our high school, which is very large, each basic class like English, would have academic, college prep, honors and AP, so the kids can get the level that suits their abilities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 2:42pm

Agreeing with everyone else here, this does and will take time. As you know, we moved two months ago and it was a move the whole family talked about, thought about, prayed about and decided on together. We felt it was in the best interest of all of us. By the time the move came along, DS and I decided that we were going to love Colorado regardless of what happened because packing up to move is a major pain in the you-know-where.

DD went into her new school with a great, positive attitude and looking forward to meeting new people. She is having a hard time connecting with like-minded kids, however. It is so hard not to feel guilty and that we, too, made a serious mistake! I know what you are going through, truly! Although DD is slowly making friends, she does feel sad, misses her friends and goes through lonely times.

DS, on the other hand (the kid who was so distressed by this whole thing that he cried on his last day of school) is a kid who walks around with his hair in his face, looking like he just lost his best friend and is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders is having no problems making friends! Kids are drawn to him like bees to honey. Granted his first week or so was a bit bumpy, but he's doing just fine now. It is so weird.

Look outside of school for things for your girls to get involved with. For DD, I've found a pottery class she loves, a musical theatre program she joined with one of her new friends and a really great youth group. Before we had even visited the church, I was checking the church website for worship times and its' youth group activity calendar and noticed the youth group was having a Lock-In the very next night. I contacted the Youth Minister, explained that we were new to town, hadn’t yet found a church home, that we had planned on visiting the church that Sunday, and then asked if the kids could attend the Lock-In. I also asked about the mix of the group – age ranges, boys to girls, etc.

I am delighted to say that the Youth Minister replied the very next day and was extremely welcoming and encouraging to having my kids attend the Lock-In. They went and had a great time, although, they were a little grumpy the next day, however!

As for school, contact the teachers and let them know your DD's need more of a challenge. My DS is completely bored in most of his classes, but he says its a 'good bored'. ???? In other words, he's lazy!

Don’t throw in the towel just yet and try not to let yourself feel guilty. Trust me, I know just how hard it is!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 8:40pm

We have moved the boys a few times-the biggest was when they had finished 4th, 8th, and 11th grade-yes, we moved my oldest his senior year!

DH blames everything that is less than perfect with our oldest on the fact we did that, even though DS agreed to the move saying "we are all going separate ways to college in a year anyway-so what" He was not dating so there were no girl issues

Moving gets to be an excuse for anything if you let it. The middle one started acting out his sophomore year and yep, I blamed it on the move. In retrospect, I should have blamed it on him being a teen

You need to be positive, encourage them to see the good.

The boys love it here! I love it here! I think DH misses our old location but, seriously, he is the only one. He has out and out asked the boys multiple times and is always shocked that they prefer it here.

If YOU are missing your old location, you are going to have to work very hard to hide it and not pass it on to the girls. Yes, I have seen DH do that-Im sure he is not conscious of it

Tell the girls you will re evaluate the school situation in the spring for next year and keep repeating that like a mantra

Musiclover had a great point-if they cant adjust to this change, why would they adjust to something as big as boarding school?

Grass is always greener and sometimes you just have to work hard find the green patches on your side of the fence. It's easier once you force yourself to stop noticing the brown ones(hard work-we tend to 'pick apart' change, dont you thinkg_

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 9:06pm

I'm sorry to hear that your girls are having such a hard time. Being a veteran of moving (10 times in my 20 year marriage, 7 of them in the last 11 years), I have found some things that help ease the process. The first thing we do is research our new home and find things we want to experience. Another is finding things to get involved with. My middle child loves baseball, so we found a traveling team for him to try our for. He tried out while we were on a house hunting trip and made the team. It was an instant connection for him and he got excited about the move. We check out the schools and find out what is offered. Use the counselors at the school, they can be a great resource and they know what programs would work for your girls. Your and your DH's attitude about the move will also make an impact. We have enjoyed every place the Army has sent us, from remote areas to big cities.

Good Luck in your new home!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 1:59am

Thank you--and others that I want to write too also--for your response. It was very helpful to remind me to watch my attitude. Actually, I like it here as it's close to the activities I do in NYC and I'm sure I will make friends. Things just can't be perfect. We chose this because it was an easy commute and my dd who is a freshman and been through a bad time at the other school, when she developed acne and got a weight problem. She really wanted a fresh start. If we were moving for the children, we would not have moved here. We would have gone to a leafy suburb. We did move for our own adult convenience. I realize I will change locations around this school and get them near teens, kids from the school, with a backyard and streets you can walk on. I would rather get a house they like and that is kid-friendly as I only have them three more years. As the realtor said, this is our next move--great for empty nesters.

But it is a jumping off point and it will be fun looking at places that are kid friendly throughout the year. My 15 yr old is doing well. And she was down and out when she graduated. She flourished at camp and seems to be doing well here.

The 13 yr old that entered 9th grade said I am making too much of it and all I do is talk about school. She doesn't want to transfer back---altho that is an option. So, I am going to stop talking about school, picking her brain and emotions all the time. Obviously, there are things she doesn't like--being one of the few to enter in 8th grade. (thanks for sharing you moved in 11th grade!) Plus, she hates traffic, New York and probably not graduating. I wish she would go out for a sport. She is a natural--she was in the junior olympics on the first try and wins medals all the time. But she won't do a sport. Who knows why? Expressing anger? She has lots of free time--periods, etc. Her favorite words always were I am bored. The 15 yr old is so busy it doesn't matter there are no teens in our area.

The 13 yr old said she wants to go to boarding school. No, I think she would adjust. It's the lack of having any kids around our town that makes it odd for them. They love camp when they sleep with friends all summer. But she would only like a boarding school in the country. I guess she would be abnormal if she didn't miss certain things about our old school and neighbood, which is idyllic.

I struggled with the boarding school bit--and I accept her going But we told her we don't want her going around talking about it. I also asked her not to talk about it in front of her sister. The sister really doen't want to go away and just says to be a big deal with her little sister.

She'll adjust--she always does. but now I have to realize just because she doesn't have acne, weight problem or a lower I.Q. doesn't mean she is low-kid on the school pole. Her feelings are as important as her sister's.

she'll continue probably to stay holed up in her room being a compulsive reader==she lugged up a sack of classics from my shelves and bought $300 in one day on books.

We can';t go back--so thanks for reminding me to go forward in a constructiv way.

Avatar for weberdns0
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Registered: 08-25-2000
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 10:16am
I don't want to sound critical, but I think that you give your children too much power over you.