I guess I already have to eat my words
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| Wed, 05-02-2007 - 4:57pm |
Hi all,
Been lurking here for a while. I thought I would look for some words of wisdom :) My title, I guess I already have to eat my words is because I have the WORST MIL in the world. My in-laws really caused problems for my dh and I and although we have worked through it and been married 17 years, I always said what I learned from this was; "I'm going to be the BEST MIL there ever was." "I will be nice to whom ever my sons choose".
Well, I'm not going to be a MIL just yet, but can you believe that I can't stand my DS's first girlfriend. I know, I sound like such a jerk :( It really is that I don't like the way she treats my ds. She is two years older he's a soph she's a senior, she is bossy and gets mad at him all of the time. She is moody and mean. My DS is like a little puppy dog, doing whatever she says and putting up with her mean outbursts. He says to me that I don't really get to see the true girl and defends her actions. I really guess I am just venting. I raised DS to be a kind, gentle young man. He is sensitive and sweet.....I didn't mean to make him a door-mat :(
The advice I'm looking for.....Is really probably just support :) I know that she is going away to College in Aug. so it will probably end (fingers crossed) And I have just been as nice as I can be when we are with her. I have stopped questioning my son, as it was just causing him to defend her more, and as I said....I vowed to be "the best" LOL
Well, sorry this got so long. Thanks for letting me lurk...and rant :)
Julie

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Welcome! Glad you decided to de-lurk. :)
Rant away. This board is an excellent venting place so we don't vent to our kiddos. Helps to keep us sane. ;) Sounds like you've already learned one of the hard lessons we've all had to learn (or are trying to learn) is to not say bad things about gf/bf because it just makes them all that much "tighter" as a couple. It is sooooo hard to stand by and watch our babies get their hearts hurt, but sometimes you just have to let them be. Luckily, you are right in that once she goes off to college, your ds and she will probably cease to be an item. I feel sure that someday he will meet someone that will treat him as he deserves and then you really CAN be the best MIL in the world! :)
Best way to be a good MIL is to always remember that if you raised your son to be a good, sensitive, intelligent, confident and strong young man, then he will eventually do what is best for him. Not to say he won't make a few mistakes along the way but you eventually will learn how to trust him to choose the person he wants to be with and who makes him happy. Remember that it is a rare individual who is perfect and a rare individual who is all bad. So if he tells you there is more than what you see well, there probably is more.
Now just a word of warning -- what makes HIM happy may not be what makes YOU happy. But if you want to keep him around you need to respect his choices. Remember your own path through your own relationship and it will help you keep his relationship in perspective.
Well, mine is going on 16 and I worry about what her choices will be, romantically that is. I always sit here just hoping she will make better decisions than I did. I didn't have the best outcome with my relationships. But then again, even if I didn't, how can I truly look back and regret them? They led me to where I am today with two amazing kids. So if my husband didn't turn out to be the man I thought he was well, that's just how life goes sometimes right? But if I didn't meet him and marry him and stay with him my two kids wouldn't be here today.
So if I managed to find my way through all this mess despite what my parents said or wanted or did, then I have to let my kids find their way too don't I? Bumps and all!!! I might try to save them from real harm and danger but I can't live their lives for them.
"Remember that it is a rare individual who is perfect and a rare individual who is all bad."
As I re-read this, I had to comment back. I'm not sure if you read my whole post. I didn't really want to go into gory details, but I'm not sure if you wouldn't feel differently if Some boy was being bossy, nasty and controlling to your daughter? Just had to state that, cause I kind of found your response to me...well, not so nice. Oh well, I'll just go back to lurking.
Julie
Oh no! Don't feel you have to go back to lurking. I thought diamond's reply was okay...some of us have an easier time letting go of our kids than others.
My DS17 is rather shy and submissive, too. Fortunately his gf is NOT controlling or mean, but it does sometimes appear that she is controlling just cuz DS is so passive. Now DS24 did have a controlling gf in HS, but he's always been an argumentative one. When he left for college and she was still in HS, they gradually disconnected, and that was good.
I don't think you have to worry. The same will probably happen with your DS and the mean gf. And I think that's what diamond may have meant--things naturally work themselves out. But you're always welcome to vent here with those of us who are also worriers.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I'm sorry if I came off sounding offensive...I didn't mean to. That's the problem with online forums. You can read my words but I can't always convey my feelings or intentions behind them in the best way. I don't have my face and body language and voice to go along with them.
All I meant to say was that there must be *some* redeeming qualities in this person or why would they be so close? And, if not, then it will be over before you know it...
But then again I'm not there every day so I don't see it first hand...
You're right about not being able to see body and face on a forum. I'm sorry if I was overly sensitive...It is a sensitive subject. I felt I had already said in my post that I was beating myself up for having these feelings in the first place and that I am "trying" my best :) I guess it is hard for a mother to *see* any redeming qualities of someone you feel is controlling your child. I'll try not to be so sensitive.
Julie
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