I guess I already have to eat my words

Avatar for jbgattuso
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Registered: 04-29-2003
I guess I already have to eat my words
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Wed, 05-02-2007 - 4:57pm

Hi all,

Been lurking here for a while. I thought I would look for some words of wisdom :) My title, I guess I already have to eat my words is because I have the WORST MIL in the world. My in-laws really caused problems for my dh and I and although we have worked through it and been married 17 years, I always said what I learned from this was; "I'm going to be the BEST MIL there ever was." "I will be nice to whom ever my sons choose".

Well, I'm not going to be a MIL just yet, but can you believe that I can't stand my DS's first girlfriend. I know, I sound like such a jerk :( It really is that I don't like the way she treats my ds. She is two years older he's a soph she's a senior, she is bossy and gets mad at him all of the time. She is moody and mean. My DS is like a little puppy dog, doing whatever she says and putting up with her mean outbursts. He says to me that I don't really get to see the true girl and defends her actions. I really guess I am just venting. I raised DS to be a kind, gentle young man. He is sensitive and sweet.....I didn't mean to make him a door-mat :(

The advice I'm looking for.....Is really probably just support :) I know that she is going away to College in Aug. so it will probably end (fingers crossed) And I have just been as nice as I can be when we are with her. I have stopped questioning my son, as it was just causing him to defend her more, and as I said....I vowed to be "the best" LOL

Well, sorry this got so long. Thanks for letting me lurk...and rant :)

Julie

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Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:29pm

You have every right to your feelings!

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:36pm

You're so right :) They just can be so convincing when they tell you how deeply they "think" they feel for someone. This started 6 months ago, and I guess it started to bother me more, as I thought it would be over much quicker *grin*
Thanks for the support!

Julie

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 5:55pm

Well, Julie, I AM a MIL - and it is VERY hard to be the kind of MIL I wanted to be - especially since I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when I should. ;)

When my DS and DIL started dating as juniors in high school, she made me NUTS! I saw her as controling and manipulative - and thinking she was superior to all of the rest of us. When he started talking about asking her to marry him when they were 20, I sat myself down and said "OK, this is his choice, he loves her more than anything, so figure out a way to accept her, because he's happiest when he's with her." I've taken a little different perspective - DIL is a perfectionist who isn't happy with herself unless things are "just so." Always been this way, even back in hs, she was never happy with less than As and being best in everything she tried. When she doesn't live up to her expectations for herself, it about kills her(I wish she wouldn't be so hard on herself!!) She's now decided that she has to be "the best" wife to my DS that she can be. The very trait that made me crazy before gives me a real sense of security in their marriage, because I know she loves him with everything, she puts his happiness first because that is what a good wife is supposed to do in her upbringing, and she "takes care of him" - though that isn't exactly what I mean to say, but can't come up with words to describe my thoughts. So in any case, having him half way across the country in a very stressful, sometimes dangerous job is a little easier for me, knowing that DIL is looking out for his best interests. Don't know if that makes any sense, but it sure makes it easier to accept DIL when she makes me nuts - and besides, HE'S the one that has to live with her, not me, and he's happy.
Rose

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 6:36pm

Oh Rose,
This made me laugh and cry all at the same time ;) The thought that my son could actually date someone at this age and end up marring them is so mind bogling. Your story, though, gives me hope, that if it were to last, I could learn to find her good side.:) I won't deny though, that I hope it still doesn't last. I am worried to start a debate here, I know that we are all mothers of teenagers, but there is a religion problem for me also... I do not have problems with most different spiritual beliefs, but this one has got me although, I think that she is just experimenting as a teenager, her family doesn't belong to the same group :)But still you never know.

Thanks again. You really did make me smile :)

Julie

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 7:00pm
Well, Julie, time and experience gives one different perspectives I guess. There have been different times that I've taken a leave from this board, simply because things were so focused on things that I've learned to let go of years ago. One thing I've realized is that parents grow with their kids - the things that I would have stressed about 10 years ago seem relatively trivial now. You learn to live with what you're given, and there are choices that my DSs have made that I haven't agreed with, but there comes a point that you gotta let your kids make their decisions, for right or wrong. DS and DIL broke up for a couple of months shortly before they turned 20 and he started dating someone else - and as much as DIL made me crazy, that girl was down right inappropriate for him - she was slutty, promiscuous, and a real drinker and drugger... exactly the opposite of DIL. I guess that also helped me realize that DIL wasn't the worst girl he could end up with... so when they got back together and really committed to their relationship a few months after they turned 20, it didn't seem like such a bad thing anymore. They're now 22 1/2, been married for almost 18 months, happy as clams - and I'm happy that they've found that happiness.
Rose

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