"I hate my parents..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
"I hate my parents..."
14
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:53pm

At different times, we've had threads here from parents who have read their kids' diary, myspace or emails, and read things like "my parents are so stupid..." or "I hate my parents..." I recently replied to a mom on another board who is going through this experience with the following post, and I thought I'd copy it here (a much more active board than the other one) and see what you folks think.

"Venting... that's what a lot of support boards are about. And getting support - I'm so sorry you're going through this, my kids are doing it to. It's also what kids do in various forms, in various places, be it in a diary, a notebook, to their friends in emails, myspace, IMs or text messages. Only they don't have adult verbal skills so the venting comes out in a less thought out way. A teen can't say "I'm so frustrated (or upset, or disappointed, or hurt) because...." instead they say "I hate my parents because...." because their verbal skills aren't as developed as an adult's are. Honestly, if one were to read a support board for parents of teens, or especially one for parents of troubled teens, one could get the impression that a lot of parents don't love their kids, when the truth is, they've venting. They love their kids more than anything, and that's why their posts sound so upset. If they didn't care, they wouldn't be so upset. Could the same be said for the writings of kids? If they didn't love their parents so much, they wouldn't have such strong negative feelings that they label them as "hate?" It's just a thought, what do others think?"

I'm looking forward to reading your comments on this one.
Rose

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 9:41pm

I think that the whole fact that they acknowlege us is a plus. If they did not love us or care at all, we would not even be on their minds. Teens need there boundaries and I think without them feel unloved. But like what was said, for a lack of vocabulary and a lack of really understanding their emotions, they lash out at us in the only way they know. If my child feels any emotion towards me, even hate...I would rather have that than not caring if I lived or died.

I was very close to the daughter of a man I worked with. He let his kids run wild and get away with murder. They were constantly testing him and he had no reaction. I'll never forget the heartbreak of his 16 year old daughter sobbing hystericly that her father did not love or care because he let her do whatever she wanted.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:47pm

One day, when dd was having a particularly bad day and was being all "happy, happy" with everyone else but was snapping at me as if I were the evil witch of the west, I asked her why she would be like that towards me. She said something so profound that I had never thought of before - With me she knows she has my unconditional love and regardless of what she says or does - I will always be there for her. Her dramatic friends on the other hand would turn everything on her or whatnot. She never has to try to impress me. To this day, I know when something is up that is bothering, just because she will be snappy.

I think this is along the same lines as the "I hate you" talk. It's a vent. And yes in those times that dd was being extra-oridinarily "not nice" those words have been known to come out. It always comes out in the end that she does not hate me, but the situation, and by saying the words it was her way of confronting the issue at hand. I was more of a sounding board (vent) than a hated object. It's the situation that is digging at her and her inability to "make it right".

Kid's now-a-days have a lot of pressure or atleast I see my dd w/ a ton on her plate. Learning how to relieve that pressure appropriately is something they are just getting a handle on.

It's late, I'm rambling, I'm tired and probably not making sense :p




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 8:03am
Yes I agree. I know from personal experience with my DS that for years all he felt was anger. We would always try to help him navigate through the anger to what was really there. In our situation anger became the emotion that you could hang your hat on. We were angry at our sons choices but what we were really feeling was frustrated, scared, disappointed, helpless and sad. I think the same goes for teens. Last year before our son started his freshman year of highschool he was acting like a complete a** the first morning of school. It finally hit me that he was afraid. So I said are you nervous, and he said yeah!! You would know that if you asked me. Unfortunatley (and I am not proud of this)by that time we were doing everything we could avoid talking to him because it always ended badly. My point is that anyone can get stuck in that venting angry mode. I think with our DS being angry all the time gave him the right to do some of the things he did. We are learning how to help him and ourselves get behind that anger to what the real problem is. I also think it is important to point out that with teens they do not always have the processing skills to work through what parents say or do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 8:26am

I think that the statement that teens don't have the verbal ability of adults is inaccurate. My son has been able to lable his emotions since he was 7 years old. If he was frustrated he said so, if he was angry he said so... and he told you what he was frustrated and angry about. He's 13 now and still identifies how he's feeling and why. He even goes so far to state "I hate it when....". Which is what most teens don't do.

I think what most teens don't do is state clearly what exactly it is that they hate. The make a generalization of how they hate their parents, when it's what the parents do (or don't do) that they really hate.

Statements I could have made as a teen:

I hate that you don't respect my privacy

I hate that you micromanage everything I do

I hate that you feel a constant need to check my school work

I hate that you don't trust me enough to go to there with my friends

I hate that you don't really understand me

I hate that you try to influence how I dress and do my hair... Allow me some self expression

I hate that you try to be interested in things I enjoy just to be around me. This is my thing, get your own.

I hate that you won't allow me to separate from you and become my own person.

All these were lumped under one blanket statement. "I hate my parents".

Try as I might I know that I too will do many of these same things to my own son, in one degree or another. Personally I think that in most cases teens do feel that they hate what their parents do. It's not easy being a teenager and needing to separate from their parents and trying to do things on their own and become your own person. To make their own choices and do what they want to do in their own way. It's not easy being a parent and having to let go and sit back as our kids make mistakes that we know we could have helped them to avoid. We still want to and for a while need to hold their hand, so to speak. It's just human nature. Only once they have matured and shown us that they are capable do we feel comfortable letting go. It's the getting to that point that is hard.

stacy

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 9:19am

I will admit that the first time I read or heard "I hate you, my parents, etc.," from either of my dd's, I was a little hurt, taken aback...but aha, I was very green then! lol -

I agree with the response you gave 100%. I used to wonder why my dds' wouldn't dare say such mean things or backtalk their bio dad, yet had no problem doing so with H and me...and my friend would inevitably remind me, "because with you there is trust and full unconditional love and they know that".

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 2:06pm

Boy could I have used that one a couple a years ago! I agree with that alot. Reading her "my mom's so mean" didn't hurt me too much but hearing her say it on the phone to her friends or trying to twist things so that I looked so much worse that I was so that her friends would have sympathy for her - that really hurt.

I think understanding the why of our kids behavior makes it so much easier to accept and deal with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 3:17pm
I have had the opposite experience as well w/ my DD15. She has never been very openly affectionate towards me or my DH, and yet with her bf, I hear her on the phone saying "I love you" at the end of every conversation. I realized that she is probably willing to say it to him because his "love" isn't unconditional--whereas she knows that we love her whether she says it back to us or not. We tell her we love her every single day of her life--it would be nice to hear it back on occasion!
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 3:47pm

Yeah, my 17dd is a little stingy with the "I love you's" to H and me, but she does say it once in a while.

Have you told dd that you'd like to hear from her when she does feel love or affection for you and H?

(DO NOT) **Without bringing up how she says it to her BF everynight, you could mention to her that you'd appreciate it if she said it to you once in a while.

OTOH, I think that it will come naturally a little later. I'd rather it come from the heart later than be forced when it's not sincere, kwim? I remember one time my 19dd, then around 14 kept telling me to stop singing because she hated my voice and thought I sounded retarded. Hahah - I felt so hurt and I called up my mom and told her I was sorry for all the times I probably made her feel like poop when I was 14!! My mom laughed and said, "mom's don't usually remember that because we know it's just something that kids do" - I was so relieved. Now my 19dd tells me she loves me everyday.

I just think that kids can be and usually are very self centered and we parents are just persons they sponge off of most of the time. I think she will grow up and get over herself! In the meantime, hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 3:54pm

Honestly I think statements like "I hate you", "You don't understand me", "Nobody loves me", "It's not fair" and "I hate this house" are just part of the teenage experience. And if you are being honest with yourself and truly reflective of your own teenage experience you will find that you too said this stuff or wrote it down at some point.

I put these phrases in the same category as "I'm going to kill you...". They are statements said in the heat of anger and frustration when formulating an articulate statement that truly expresses your feelings is not in the cards...

I know that if I read something like that my feelings would be hurt for a bit but nothing I can do about that really -- just something they have to work through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 4:49pm

She does say it to us once in every great while--and when she does, it just means that much more because we know she means it. And I always use those times to tell her how nice it is to hear. It started to bother me more when I heard her saying it to the bf all the time. After all, how long did she know him? A few weeks? A month? But then I realized why she was probably saying it to him, so I'm OK with it.

OTOH, my DS13 used to say it to us all the time, but since he hit adolescence, it happens much less frequently! Apparently the only purpose of my existence right now is to either gross him out or embarrass him!

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