"I hate my parents..."
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| Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:53pm |
At different times, we've had threads here from parents who have read their kids' diary, myspace or emails, and read things like "my parents are so stupid..." or "I hate my parents..." I recently replied to a mom on another board who is going through this experience with the following post, and I thought I'd copy it here (a much more active board than the other one) and see what you folks think.
"Venting... that's what a lot of support boards are about. And getting support - I'm so sorry you're going through this, my kids are doing it to. It's also what kids do in various forms, in various places, be it in a diary, a notebook, to their friends in emails, myspace, IMs or text messages. Only they don't have adult verbal skills so the venting comes out in a less thought out way. A teen can't say "I'm so frustrated (or upset, or disappointed, or hurt) because...." instead they say "I hate my parents because...." because their verbal skills aren't as developed as an adult's are. Honestly, if one were to read a support board for parents of teens, or especially one for parents of troubled teens, one could get the impression that a lot of parents don't love their kids, when the truth is, they've venting. They love their kids more than anything, and that's why their posts sound so upset. If they didn't care, they wouldn't be so upset. Could the same be said for the writings of kids? If they didn't love their parents so much, they wouldn't have such strong negative feelings that they label them as "hate?" It's just a thought, what do others think?"
I'm looking forward to reading your comments on this one.
Rose

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However...
Abusing those who love you because you know their love is unconditional is NOT a good behaviour to encourage. It is toxic and can be viewed as a form of verbal abuse, when it is practiced in the extreme. In fact, encouraging teens to learn that their parents have feelings and that to hurt others in order to make one feel better is "mean-spirited and counterproductive". One does not have the right to take out your frustration out on another person. NEVER.
Teenagers are not too young to learn true empathy. They are not to young to learn that their actions and their WORDS do matter. What better persons to teach them that then their parents who do love them.
"Kid's now-a-days have a lot of pressure or atleast I see my dd w/ a ton on her plate. Learning how to relieve that pressure appropriately is something they are just getting a handle on."
Do they really have a lot of pressure? Or do so many parents and kids use that as just an excuse for poor behaviour? We cuddle kids these days; letting them off the hook for poor behaviour. I look at my kids. They do not half the challenges I had at their age. They have a good home,food on the table. They have two parents who care about them.
While I agree we shouldn't encourage disrespectful behaviour towards ones family and especially parents, there is a difference between someone who is consistently verbally abusive vs a teenager who has the occasional outburst of emotion.
My own children are very rarely "explosive" so when they do have outbursts I do understand those incidents for what they are -- a reaction to a highly charged situation as a result of emotional immaturity. When my dd was a little girl she would sometimes bite me when she was angry. She didn't know how to express her anger so she would bite. Of course I taught her biting was wrong but I understood she was frustrated and didn't chastise her for her anger.
So letting a teenager know that saying "I hate you" or something stronger is hurtful is important but as parents we should also understand they don't really mean they hate us, but they aren't happy with whatever situation triggered the emotion.
I think in North America especially emotional outbursts are too often repressed to an unhealthy level. As a person who grew up in an Italian heritage household emotion was just par for the course. Raised voices, tears, and open expression was normal and valueable. We often talk about the importance of passion and yet we don't make it acceptable to be passionate. In my household its okay to be pissed off and let people know it. What we do is practice better ways to express that anger so that the other person knows WHY we are pissed off and can resolve the underlying issue.
Exactly what I was thinking diamond.
Iateadrinker, I was not implying in my original post that emotional outbursts are ok - BUT so many parents let the "I hate you" and "you don't get it" crush them, and that is what I was addressing. When my children were 12-14 y/o, I heard the "I hate you" every now and again... not daily, not necessarily even weekly, but definitely monthly. They have since learned better, and I haven't heard those words in a couple of years from DD and not in at least 4 or 5 years from DSs. They have learned better ways to express themselves.
Also, I was talking about what teens write in their diaries or in emails or IMs - all of which they expect to be private... they have to vent somewhere and choosing an avenue that they expect to be private is actually a very healthy way to do it. Repressing emotion is a good way to internalize stress and cause stress related illnesses later in life.
Rose
Somehow I knew posting when I was tired would lead to a misinterpretation ;-p
My dd is by no means abusive, verbally or otherwise. I can just tell when she is getting stressed because she gets snappy and frustrated easily. She is the easiest going person in the world and will give her all to help anyone, even her worst enemy. But she expresses her frustration to me and pretty much only me - this is something she is working on. She gets it out is a productive manner and to this day has never told me she has hated me (I'm sure I'm due one soon though).
As far as stress, I can't speak for other people's children, but my dd has been through a lot. For instance, the time that she told me about taking it out on me because she knows I will always love her - the child was 11 and being literally stalked and threatened by a 42 year old psycho woman (her ex best friends mother). This went on for 6 months to where the child was literally a prisoner in our home. It was an incredibly stressful situation and I couldn't imagine dealing with that at 11. A more recent example would be the fact she has been recovering from mulitple, serious injuries and dealing with extensive absences from school (20 days = 4 full weeks of school) due to mono and bronchitis. To top it off, just when she thought her injuries were behind her and she was getting her life back, it looks like the injuries are lingering. She is not only looking at ankle surgery but surgery on her spine as well. Tell me that wouldn't be stressful for a young teen?
And ha, I know my dd isn't perfect and believe me if there has been any instances of poor behavior it is taken care of, but for the most part, she is an awesome kid and we have a good relationship.
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