I miss her....

Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
I miss her....
19
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 1:39pm

How do you let go as they grow up? My dd is almost 14 and has always been quite social. We just moved back to the states and she now attends a rather huge middle school. I never see her any more, not even when she's home. She is always on the phone or on the computer. I know she's not doing anything bad. But I just miss her. My dh is in the military and is gone ALOT and she is pretty much my best friend. I guess I'm hurt and it's affecting our relationship. I know I need to let go, but how much do you let go? How do your nights go with your teens? What is your family time like? I guess its affecting now since her cheerleading is over and I was always shuffling her here and there for that so we at least had that time together, but now nothing... she comes in from school, gives me a synopsis of her day and then the phone and computer marathon begins!! I know I am being extra clingy right now since my dh just left again for 6 mths and I'm sure thats where most of this is coming from.

Sorry to be a whiner - I was just curious how you guys regulate phone and computer usage and keep family time?? I've tried to regulate to an extent but there is always some drama that someone needs help with and they turn to her... I go to the extent of unplugging the phone and turning off the internet and then there's normalcy for the time beginning, but it's quite short-lived....uggh




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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 1:54pm

DS13.5 isn't that into being on the computer/IM'ing that much yet, so I still have 'that time' that you speak of, and am dreading when it goes away. For now, he still thrives on daily time with me, and I'll take it as long as I can get.

Maybe you can say she can IM, etc. til 9pm (pick a comfortable time for you both), then you were hoping to just get some time with her (daily, every other day, etc., so she's up for it too) as you enjoy her time (so she knows it's just to relax together). Good luck, and let us know what works!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:12pm

The title of your post caught my eye, because I miss my DD too! She's 14 and started high school this year -- one that is an hour away by car. DH's office is about 15 minutes from the campus, so to save time and gas $$, he takes her to school and brings her home with him. They leave at about 6:45am and don't usually get home until 6:00pm, and depending on traffic (SoCal) it's often later than that. Once they get home, we have dinner, she usually has homework to finish up, takes a shower, maybe spends a few minutes on the computer or watches tv, then goes to bed. There's not a whole lot I can do during the week with the schedule we have and logistics we are dealing with.

It seems like you have a little more flexibility in your schedule, though. Is there something the two of you can do together after school that will be more appealing than talking on the phone or being on the computer? Maybe renting a move she wants to see and having dinner together in front of the tv? Or going out and wandering the mall for an hour or so? You don't have to buy anything, just window shop and chat. You mentioned she's a cheerleader; maybe there's an aerobics or line dancing class you could take together.

You can also just limit the amount of time she spends on the phone and on the computer. That's not something I've been inclined to do myself, (big YET) but it IS an option -- there are parents that do.

While I understand that you'd like to spend more time with your DD, you probably also need to find a hobby or interest of your own -- reading, scrapbooking, book discussion group, etc., especially since your DH is going to be away for an extended length of time and whether we like it or not, it's only a matter of time before our DD's are out of our homes for college and making their own lives, and we'll be at loose ends if we don't have something to fill our days.

At the risk of sounding harsh or mean-spirited, keep in mind that your DD needs a mother, not another friend. It sounds like she has plenty of those. Just something to keep in mind.

I am wearing the same shoes, so I can sympathize. I hope things get better.




Edited 2/28/2006 2:22 pm ET by julesnalpine
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:50pm
I do know how you feel. My oldest dd is 13.5, and when she began to grow more independent from me I decided I needed another baby, so I now have an 8mo dd to help fill the void;)
My dd can certainly put off a vibe like she is much too busy for me and my dh. My husband spends a little less time w/her than I do, and this phase is hard for both of us, him more so than me, because she till talks to me quite a bit.
I really haven't found a way to regulate phone time, other than homework 1st, off phone and in bed by 10.
To spend time together we try to eat dinner together 3 or 4 times a week, and watch "The War at Home" together on Sun nights.
Best of Luck to you.
Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:41pm

Thanks, I need to brainstorm and come up with something and stick with it. We have done this in the past but it never last - there is always an excuse for this or that or whatever.

*Sigh* Ok, putting my thinking cap on....Enjoy your time with your DS!! I'm extrememly jealous LOL




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Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:48pm

It sounds as though she's your only child? I have 3 children, and my youngest is only 10, but believe it or not I can still relate! I have found that my dd's (also 14)separation from me is probably the hardest thing I've had to deal with as a parent! Maybe it's because I'm in perimenopause too, but I get very emotional at times over her increasing distance from me. I miss the little girl so badly! I'm dealing with trying to find a new relationship with her, one in which I'm not so much a friend but not so much the evil witch that wants to spoil all her fun. Good luck with that one, huh?

But I can tell you what I would do if my dd was my only child and my dh spend alot of time away. Have you seen Gilmore Girls? I fell in love with that show one day when I was home from work sick and watched a re-run. At first I was angry because it was so unrealistic - the mother and daughter are too much like best friends to be believable. However, they have had difficult times as well. One thing is they do seem to have "traditions" for instance eating out every day for breakfast (on and dinner too, but this is t.v. land remember?) at their favorite t.v. land diner. You may not want to afford this, but what about a regular "date night" with your dd? I also like the idea of watching movies and shows together. Let her know too, that you miss her. Just don't appear to be "too needy" but I do think it's nice for them to know that we love them and value time spent with them. My dd has occasionally watched Gilmore Girls with me. One day not too long ago I asked her, "How can you and I have a relationship like that?" and she didn't laugh at me! Good springboard for conversations. For instance, my dd thinks that girls who don't grow up with a dad are much closer to their moms. I feel that girls who are only children are closer to mom, too. We talked about examples we've seen in our own lives.

Bottom line is that your dd will find things to occupy her time unless you come up with a better offer! Good luck!

Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:58pm

I'm a SAHM just for this kinda thing and I am at a total loss here lately. We need to do something together, I have a ds10 as well it's like we are all total strangers here lately. I want to initiate family time w/ all of us and everytime it's brought up it's like I mentioned taking them out back and beating them!!! My dh has always been the "fun" one since he is rarely here and since he's gone it's as if the fun is gone LOL.

I am working on finding my own interests. We are moving back to Europe this summer so I have plenty to keep me busy w/ dealing with the house. But it's just we have always been so close and I really miss talking to her - she is a blast to talk to. Now it seems like we only talk when she wants something and I hate that. I remember being like that as a teen too, so I know it's normal, but it still hurts LOL And trust me I am still very much her mother LOL

Like I said in my other response, I need to brainstorm to come up with something to stick with. She's always had free access to the phone and computer and she uses them appropriately and gets decent grades - so I can't justify limiting them other than the fact that I miss my little girl LOL I need to do something though and I guess I will figure it out. I know she needs her own space and it's really something I am struggling with. It does make me feel better that I am not the only parent going through this LOL

And bah humbug, I don't even want to think about college or anything of the sort!! My parents couldn't wait to get rid of me - when do I get to that point LMAO




Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:02pm

Thank you - it really helps to know I am not alone in this and I am so jealous of the baby!! LOL I have gone back and forth over the last few years and my dh and the kids look at me like I'm nuts!!

I really need some sort of system and I guess I'll get through this. I of course did this to my mom as a teen and we're best of friends again, so who knows - I guess we all have to grow up (including me!!)




Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:23pm

Funnily enough, she's not an only child, I also have a ds10. She has always been my little girl and my ds has always been a daddy's boy. But he and I are still "normal" and aren't going though this as much as I am with her. I think what's so funny is I was an only child so maybe that's why this is so hard - I dunno. What's even funnier is my ds is so much more like me and my dd is so much more like my husband - weird huh??

I guess I am feeling some what needy and boy what you said stuck a chord: "Maybe it's because I'm in perimenopause too, but I get very emotional at times over her increasing distance from me. I miss the little girl so badly! I'm dealing with trying to find a new relationship with her, one in which I'm not so much a friend but not so much the evil witch that wants to spoil all her fun. Good luck with that one, huh?" That is to a "T" what I am dealing with. I tell my dh what I am going through and he just says "take the computer and phone away" Okay is me missing my little girl excuse enough for that LOL?? I never thought I would say this but what happened to that little 4yo girl that was my shadow, never shut up and thought I was the best thing since spaghetti o's!!!!

I did tell her how I felt (probably sounding needy) and she is making an effort - she came home about an hour and a half ago and has yet to touch the computer and actually turned the phone ringer off herself, I just hate to get to used to it, since things will go back to "normal" soon.

Thanks you guys are all so awesome and if anyone figures out this out please please let me know.




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Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 11:48pm

OK, I want to do this without sounding too harsh, so if I do, please forgive me.


I know exactly where you're coming from, BTDT... hubby was in the Army Reserves for the first 18 years of our marriage and did several deployments, the longest being 6 months.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 8:15am

Rose, you are never harsh - everything you said was right on the money. In these past couple of years as my two dd's have grown (18 & 16) I've also gone through that short mourning period. Then, you find other things to occupy your time, and man, is it great! To be able to meet a friend for coffee before work, because I no longer have to monitor my girls getting up and catching the bus. To be able to stop right after work to get my nails done or pic up some groceries without concerns about what my dd's are up to (I already KNOW and they are fine) is really nice.

Maintaining a relationship, like you said, can be tricky, but it is doable if you figure out a way to give the kid some space, but still be involved. The time I spend with my dd's is not down to a science, it's more like when the opportunity presents itself, and luckily, we remain close, just in a different way.

And you're right Rose about them coming back to you. When my now 18dd was about 14, I thought, "My God, 4 more years of this??" but she toned it down, we BOTH grew from the experience, and we're as close as ever now. She trusts me, I trust her, she comes to me when she needs help or just to talk, we go out together - it's really great to have this mini-adult in my life that I can love like my child yet watch in awe as she develops into her own person!

Re: Monitoring computer/phone usage. Monitoring and limiting dd's time on the computer and phone is something that has nothing to do with her healthily separating from you - that IS a parenting issue and you MAY need to set limits on those activities. If you feel that her grades are slipping or she's engaging in risque behavior on line or the phone, then of course you must step in. But if her days are fairly balanced between work and play and family time, then just keep an eye on this. Family time for the most part is basically meal times each day - we ALWAYS have dinner together, and most of the time breakfast even. It's just something I've always insisted on so we can catch up, discuss family situations, etc. Besides that, we now have mostly planned family activities, like vacations, or my girls and I will have a beauty day (like tonight my 16dd and I are having a mani/pedi night to get ready for our trip next week), and often my 18dd and I catch breakfast at a local diner before school/work. In the summer, we have lots of BBQ's and I allow the girls to invite friends and we sometimes go on hikes together or visit other family. I almost always allow them to bring a friend because they are more engaged and willing to join us. And since we like most of thier friends, they are like family too.

Kel, I think it is very important for you to find ways of occupying your time, but also take the time to stand back and be awed by your dd's developments and interests. You can still 'be there' for her and with her, but you can also be proud of the job you've done thus far by watching her develop into the young woman you'd always hoped for.

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