I miss her....

Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
I miss her....
19
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 1:39pm

How do you let go as they grow up? My dd is almost 14 and has always been quite social. We just moved back to the states and she now attends a rather huge middle school. I never see her any more, not even when she's home. She is always on the phone or on the computer. I know she's not doing anything bad. But I just miss her. My dh is in the military and is gone ALOT and she is pretty much my best friend. I guess I'm hurt and it's affecting our relationship. I know I need to let go, but how much do you let go? How do your nights go with your teens? What is your family time like? I guess its affecting now since her cheerleading is over and I was always shuffling her here and there for that so we at least had that time together, but now nothing... she comes in from school, gives me a synopsis of her day and then the phone and computer marathon begins!! I know I am being extra clingy right now since my dh just left again for 6 mths and I'm sure thats where most of this is coming from.

Sorry to be a whiner - I was just curious how you guys regulate phone and computer usage and keep family time?? I've tried to regulate to an extent but there is always some drama that someone needs help with and they turn to her... I go to the extent of unplugging the phone and turning off the internet and then there's normalcy for the time beginning, but it's quite short-lived....uggh




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Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 10:34am

Oh I don't think you were harsh in the least, every single thing you posted was right on point!! I remember doing this to mom and I remember thinking "Geez mom get over it!!" so I guess I know what's happening. It's still sad for me though!! It does make me so much better to know others have felt this "loss" so to speak, as I was really thinking I was going nuts! I'm working on coming up with a plan where I'm not completely shut out so we shall see what I come up with and how that goes...

I'm working on filling my time, we are moving this summer so I have a lot to do with the house. Dh was on recruiting duty so we aren't any where near a base and all of the guys from his 4 person office are newly divorced, so bonding with others in the same situation isn't doable at the moment. We are surrounded by dh's family so that helps to an extent.

And ackkkk no more college talk LOL I will really become a bumbling mess when that happens...on the bright side we are moving to Italy and if the military has the same rules that Germany had dd won't be able to get her license at 15/16 like she could here!!!

I'm working on it, I really am....*snip snip* thats the sound of me thread by thread cutting the apron strings....




Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 11:16am

I also totally agree with everything that was said, I just wish I had some warning! Like I said previously, I did the same thing to my mother - completely pushed her out of my life from 14 - 22 (ha the age I was when I had my dd). Now we are best of friends - I call her almost daily. I just assumed it was because I was an only child and well my mom was a little smothering. DD and I have a much different relationship and I just must have had blinders on and didn't see this coming. I should have, it's been going on seems like forever!!

RE: Internet usage/monitoring It is very much monitored so I know it is being used appropriately. I have no reason at the moment to take it away or limit it other than the fact I miss her LOL Her grades aren't slipping so no justification there. She's always been difficult when it comes to housework/chores but I'm learning to pick my battles.

I think alot of this comes from cabin fever to an extent too - we are in the extreme northeast and I hate most winters as it is and to deal with these winters is a little frustrating. I have never ever used a snowblower in my life and no idea they even existed LOL So apparently I have done some soul-searching and see there are many things contributing to my feelings: I'm mourning my teen, I'm missing my dh, I have cabin fever, we are moving, and throw in some PMS as well and that just equals up to a bumbling mess!




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:17pm

I personally do think it's completely different with our sons (for moms, at least - and it would probably be the opposite with dads). I also have a 16 y.o. ds and we have not had these issues. Don't get me wrong, we have other "issues" and it also has alot to do with personality, but my oldest ds has always been independent - from day one, practically. And dd was the clingy baby and toddler for whom no one, and I literally mean no ONE but mom would do for years. People used to joke that I would have to attend school with her. Well, of course none of this happened and she gradually separated from me, and that was okay (in fact, pretty great). But this newest separation feels quite different to me - it's more of a "I reject everything you are" kind of teenager thing, which I know is not the case but it's her inherent need to separate from me, her same-sex parent, and find her own way.

I also see my 16 ds doing the same thing to my dh. He talks to me about how "annoying dad is when he tries to act cool." and things like that. He doesn't feel the same way about me, or so he says. But that is again, the separation from his same-sex parent.
Just my two cents....

And thank God for 10-year olds, huh? I appreciate mine more and more every day...

Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:10pm

My ds is so completely different than his sister. She has always been the social butterfly, never worried about what others thought of her and is outgoing to the extreme and always on the move. She is ADD inattentive if that factors in for anything (unmedicated). DS on the other hand - quite shy, very worried about making a fool of himself and will latch on to one person and be perfectly happy with that one person for forever. He is is extrememly book smart whereas dd has the people smarts. DS for the most part distances himself from the other kids in his class - he says "All they want to play is kickball and they always end up fighting." Therefore he stays by himself rather than go through that headache. DD on the other hand would be right there in the middle of it somehow trying to mediate.

DD's personality is identical to dh's and ds's is identical to mine. DS has always been really quiet and talking to him, even about something as simple as how is day was, is worse than pulling teeth! LOL I think to an extent I kind of live vicariously through dd as she is everything I wasn't as a teen and she is what I wanted to be as a teen. DS and I can spend hours playing games together where dd has never really liked playing games - I guess thats where the ADD-I comes in. They bore her.

I tell ya coming from an only child life to raising to COMPLETELY different kids is a challenge LOL I miss the days when the 2 of them were inseperable now if they speak with in a 24 hour period it's a happy day!! How did the Brady Bunch survive LOL




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Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 8:08pm

How did the Brady Bunch survive???

Avatar for mily12
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Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 11:30am

Although I haven't read the other's posts, I'm sure you've already received some terrific advise. Everyone here is always so caring and helpful. I don't know if anyone else has offered input from the kid's point of view as opposed to the parent point of view, but that's what I'll try to do.

First of all, let me tell you that I'm 48 with two kids of my own (21 &17). My Mom, raised me on her own (my folks divorced when I was 10) and was always very controlling and clingy. We were close up until I entered my teen years and, like most teens, began to seek some sort of independence. Well, she won't have it and it lead to many fights and many years of resentment on my part. She has only recently begun to ease up. To this day, we are not as close as we once were. It's a shame because she is now old and I know her years are numbered, however, we lost that closeness and although we are trying to work it out, it just isn't happening as I hoped it would.

So, my point is that we all have to let our kids go. Let them seek their independence. Our job is to guide them and advise them, not control them. I once heard someone say that we have to let them go to get them back. It's true. I've found with my DD, who is now 21, that as she matures, she spends more time with us. When she was a teenager in HS she spent a lot of time online, IMing her friends. I used to feel as if she was a boarder who just wondered in and out of our lives. However, we gave her her freedom and it worked. The last summer of her HS career, something happened and we got our little girl back. She began spending more and more time with us. She's now in her 3rd year in college and I've heard her say, quite often, that she loves coming home.

My DS (17) is going through the stage where he goes straight into the basement when he arrives home and only surfaces to eat and watch the occasional movie. What my DH and I have begun doing is watching his shows with him, even if it means watching a movie that we don't especially enjoy or watching a fighting show or even just watching him play his video games. We've noticed that he likes the attention. It's usually short lived, but, at least, it's time together.

Don't dispare. You'll get your baby back someday when she matures more. Just make sure you make it so that she wants to come back. In the meantime, work on finding friends of your own. I'm sure the others here have given suggestions as to how to go about doing that.

Good luck. Hang in there and come back often. We're all here to help each other along.

Hugs,

Mily

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Registered: 10-21-2005
In reply to: kel7col4
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 1:20pm

Jumping in late & with only skimming the other posts, but here goes:

This, too, will pass.

In the meantime, is it possible to schedule a girl's day out every once and awhile? I do this fairly regularly with my dd and we both enjoy the time together. It's awfully hard to get her to spend time with you in the home with the distractions of the phone and IM right there - but if you're in the car heading far away, those distractions are no longer a factor.

My dd no longer IMs, but when she did it was a huge, huge, time-sucking, mind-numbing distraction. She was in the midst of a drama with a boy (who hinted he would ask her to homecoming at his school, then took someone else and rubbed her face in it) - she didn't know how much I knew about the story becaus she didn't knwo we monitored her Ims. The night before the dance, when I knew the IMs would reach fever pitch, I got us dinner theater tickets to see Footloose. We both got all dressed up and we had an absolute blast. If we'd been home, she would have been online all night.

It doesn't sound like your dd is involved in dramas or anything unpleasant - she's just caught up with her friends. Still, you might benefit (and her as well) by getting out of the house to shop, go for a walk, go for ice cream - anything.

Good luck!
jt
If getting out of the house isn't practical, you could institute an "unplugged" night one neight a week. This is something that an entire community nearby started last year - I've heard really great things about it. You could order pizza, play games - whatever. Just a thought.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 1:35pm

Thank you so much for your thoughts and insight.

And what a neat mom you are for being ready in a big way with your dd's letdown at homecoming.




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
In reply to: kel7col4
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 11:14am
Wow. I could type a book about this topic I think. Let me just say that there was a lot of great advice in the posts here, I think most notably the idea of creating something of a tradition between parent and child, maybe incorporating the other kids as they get older also. Doesn't matter if it's Sunday dinner, or Tuesday night movie, anything. As long as it's something that can be looked forward to by everyone. I'm happy I found this post since I thought I was the only parent out there acting this way. My wife has actually not felt the pain yet, maybe because she and our oldest are more like oil and water, so I really did think I was on my own. My head tells me it totally normal for our DD to be this way, but my heart wishes she was still 10 and thought that her dad was perfect in every way. Since this is largely a mom's board, ladies, don't forget your dads out there, they love you too! Have a great day!

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