I need advice please
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 08-06-2007 - 9:40am |
I came across a board that my daughter posts on, and found a question she answered there. It was "when did you lose your virginity?". She is 16 now but answered that she was 15 when she lost her virginity. My jaw dropped open. She has been liking this boy at school for a year now but I have not let her date yet. And the only time they have had time togehter has been parentaly supervised. So i cant imagine how or when or where this happened. Could it be that she posted that just to be 'one of the crowd' or do you suppose it actually happened? I am so torn up about this. I dont want to tell her what I saw because I want to be able to see future posts from her there. Its like having an inside window into her head. I dont want to give it away that I know about this board.
I honestly cant believe my daughter would have done this.
Any thoughts?
JAN

Pages
I would suggest that you take your daughter to your doctor. As the other mom poster, a frank discussion on b/c, STDs.. is in order. Even if she "lied", I would be concerned that she feels that she has to pretend to be SA to feel part of the "crowd". Peer pressure would worry me.
Take her aside and have a mom-to-daughter chat. There are situations when you have to step in and intervene for the health of your daughter.
I would also tell her father your concerns. He needs to know as well. A frank and mature "mom & dad & daughter" chat about life and sexuality from both the adult-male and adult-female prospective couldn't hurt.
If you handle it in an adult,non-accusatory manner, it will help to encourage her to confide in you. She needs to know that you understand. You remember what it was like and you don't think any less of her. You are there to help her, as per parents, to grow into adulthood.
Good Luck
I agree that you need to talk with your daughter and also have her see a dr. If she is, infact sexually active she needs to know about birth control, as well as safe sex. She should also be tested for STDs to be sure she hasn't been infected with anything.
I would just approach her with the fact that you know many girls her age are SA and that she needs to know the facts. Tell her that you heard from someone that she may have been SA and that you are concerned about this. You could let her know that someone, you don't have to tell her it was you, saw something on the internet that said she was no longer a virgin. Is this true? If not why did she post it?
Personally, I don't agree with iteadrinker that her dad needs to know about this. If you want to talk it over with him that is fine, but I'm not sure he needs to know about her sex life. I was going over this on the Parents of Sexually Active Teens board and have decided that what my daughter says to me will stay with me, unless she is okay with Dad knowing. If she does confided in you and you do tell her dad and she finds out about it, she may not tell you anything again.
A lot depends on your family dynamics, we are very open in our home, but there are some things that are private and should stay private. On the other hand if she just posted this to be in with the crowd, I would probably talk to Dad about it. I think some talking needs to happen to let her know that she doesn't have to have sex to be accepted and that she should try not to feel pressured to have sex.
I know you are having a lot thrown at you here, just read it all and think about what you think is best for your child.
The other thing I wanted to say is that when we look at things like blogs and message boards we need to be ready to deal with what we see. I am sure you didn't expect to see what you did, but think about it. My dd knows that I do go on occasionally and look on her my space and yes even check her e-mails. I haven't for a while, but she knows that I will. What our kids don't seem to realize is that when they post these things they are there for the whole world to see. Talk with her about that and let her know that someone out there who she may or may not know is reading this and finding out personal information that she may not really want them to know.
Let us know how things are going.
Hope this all helps,
Kristie
I wouldn't tell her you know, I would just try to encourage conversations with her, make her feel confortable talking WITH you. See if it comes out on it's own. Ask her about what her frds are doing, ask her when she thinks it's appropriate to become SA. If you get her on the defensive now the next few years will be all the worse, so make sure you listen to her opinions and don't judge her for them. She'll never tell you anything again.
Good luck.
I so much appreciate all the responses. I don't want her to know I saw her postings because like I said I want to have that insight into what she is saying and posting. And I too ask to look at her myspace on occasion. I also know some kids have 2 myspaces, one they open up for mom and dad to check and then the real one. So I dont want her to know I know her password for that, or the screen name she uses on the other board.
I think I will just try to find an appropriate time to talk to her about being SA and what her thoughts are on that. And I agree on keeping dad out of the discussion. There are some things she will share with me before him, just because its easier going to mom if you're a girl. I think my bringing up a sex talk with her in a general way so she doesnt know I saw anything is a very good idea. She also has a check up appt with the pediatrician in sept. so I can bring up the discussion about being checked by him as well.
I will let you know how it goes. Thanks again,
JAN
bringing a teen point of view here( technical). I'm 17 and yes I've had sex, and i talk about sex with all my friends, sometimes we'll have a 3 hours conversation on one aspect of it. and i agree that sex has become "nothing spacial". I'm trying to raise my two little sisters and I've always told them that it shouldn't be something they do because their friends are doing it, or they're bored, or they're playing truth or dare.. yep I've seen it happen.
however once your child has made the decision to have sex i don't think your first talk to be about condoms birth control, ( of course ask to make sure they used them) but 95% teen i know always use them, and it we don't have them we don't have sex. i think you should talk about the emotional side affects of having sex, especially if it was her first time. from reading your posts most of you seem very close to your daughters and having sex is always a big deal to girls even if they don't show it right away. I've had friend who have slept with 5 different guys haven't cared then 4 months later, they're so broken they can't even talk.
We have gone back and forth on this board regarding if dad should know about this.
Pages