I need advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
I need advice please
20
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 9:40am

I came across a board that my daughter posts on, and found a question she answered there. It was "when did you lose your virginity?". She is 16 now but answered that she was 15 when she lost her virginity. My jaw dropped open. She has been liking this boy at school for a year now but I have not let her date yet. And the only time they have had time togehter has been parentaly supervised. So i cant imagine how or when or where this happened. Could it be that she posted that just to be 'one of the crowd' or do you suppose it actually happened? I am so torn up about this. I dont want to tell her what I saw because I want to be able to see future posts from her there. Its like having an inside window into her head. I dont want to give it away that I know about this board.
I honestly cant believe my daughter would have done this.
Any thoughts?

JAN

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:24am

As a mother to three boys I think not telling the father is not giving him the opportunity to BE the parent. Would it be different in the scenario if the child in question was a boy? I think if a young woman is not mature enough to have conversations with both of her parents about safe sex practices then she is probably not ready. Not all conversations will be easy but I think a male opinion in the conversation is important.

Also, talking to children about sex is not abdicating our role as a parent. It is still time to have the conversation about positive choices and to interject whatever the parent's personal beliefs are. Not to let children know what our opinions/experiences are leaves them to discuss sex with their peers - who often know diddly squat.

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 7:24am

I have 3 DSs and then a DD at the end of the line.

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 10:08am
I am absolutely with Rose on this one. My dd does not want her dad to know when she becomes SA. She doesn't even want him to know that she is considering it. She knows his thoughts on the subject and she talks with him about sex openly, but when it comes to the actual activity and having sex, she doesn't want him to know.
When I was younger, we did not talk about sex in my family. I learned about intercourse from a friend singing a "dirty" song, then about a week later I got up the nerve to ask my mom about it and that was the last we talked about it. There would have been no way that I would have talked to my mom if I had been SA as a teen. And the thought of ever talking to my dad about sex would have given me a stroke.
My dh has plenty of opportunity to be a parent and takes them. But like Rose said there are things that are between a mom and daughter that are personal.
Kristie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:51pm

You feel that way b/c you don't have a dd.

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:57pm

> > > > I think if a young woman is not mature enough to have conversations with both of her parents about safe sex practices then she is probably not ready. < < < <

> > Then I guess I wasn't ready, and am still not ready, even three kids later because I would rather have a root canal than talk to my dad about sex - EVER! < <

ROFLMAOPMP!!! Me too!! I honestly believe one reason I didn't want to tell my parents that I was pregnant was because that implied I had had SEX!! AND, I was 31 yo and married at the time!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 4:52pm

<>

Nope - which is why I take every effort to talk to my boys about sex and the girl/woman's perspective. My point was not that - my point is how would YOU feel as a mother if your boys were having sex and dh knew but did not tell you? I think as mothers we tend to underestimate the dads. Had my father looked at me and talked to me about sex I probably would have made better choices.

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 5:50pm
my dad works out of town. so we only see him about 1 weekend every 3 months or so. my mom goes to work and that's it. we have a cleaning lady who cleans out house, we had a nanny until i was 13. my mom doesn't have rules, she doesn't cook or clean. she gives us money and we're allowed to do w/e we want. so i make sure my little sisters eat, i make grocery lists, doctors appointments. they have curfews set by me, they know I'll ground them before my mother will.
i don't want my sisters to learn that it's ok to do this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 10:28pm
I am so sorry that you have to deal with all that, but I am so glad you are taking the responsibility. They are VERY fortunate to have you in their life. You need someone that you can go to when you need emotional, spiritual, and physical support though. I hope you have someone to talk to for those reasons. It's just so sad that you are not getting to experience being a kid yourself. That's just not fair to have that burden placed on you. I think you are definitely in the minority as far as maturity level in teens. My children wouldn't even know what to do on most things. Keep up the good work on your sisters. They need discipline / authority or they will be out of control as they grow older. I think they also might need some emotional support. I know you are there for them, but it has to be hard on them that your parents are never around. I will definitely be praying for you guys. I pray that God gives you the strength you need to get the job done. I hope your sisters appreciate all that you do for them. Anytime you need to talk - I'm here. God Bless!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:25pm
thank-you. it's hard sometimes, but i manage. i creep this board a lot, for tips. i'm still trying to find the right balence between sister and "mom".
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 6:36am

Hugs to you spike121.

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