I need help. Can I join???
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 04-22-2007 - 1:33am |
My oldest daughter (14) was arrested tonight for shoplifting. This kid has never been in trouble before...she's never even had dentention. My dh is blaming me for allowing her to go shopping unchaperoned (with two 15yo friends,) so he's just adding to the stress and not helping AT ALL. She was caught trying to leave JC Penny's with a T-shirt, a bra and a pair of panties. $46 worth of goods which she'd concealed in a bag from another store.
I'm angry, confused, humiliated, concerned...you name it, I'm feeling it. She has to go to court in a couple of weeks (they'll call with a date and time in a few days.) She's upset, sad, doesn't know WHY she did it, embarrassed, scared...you name it, she's feeling it.
What's an appropriate punishment? I'm inclined to lock her in her room for the next 4 years, but I think that just might be a little overboard ;). I really am stumped. I just don't know what to do about this.
Anyone here been through anything like this???? Please reassure me that I'm not alone, and that this doesn't mean that she's destined for a life of crime!
TIA
Karin


I know how you feel. Your thoughts mirror those I had when my DS17 was suspended from school for having admitted to drinking, when it was something I NEVER dreamed he'd be dumb enough to do. (He had gotten one detention the year before, for being a passenger in a car in which a student was in the trunk, sneaking off campus for lunch. DS was legit--only the one in the trunk was not allowed to leave for lunch.) We teach them morals for years and years, we think we do not have to remind them each time they walk out the door, "don't drink, don't do drugs, don't shoplift, don't let people ride in the trunk of a car", but we are proved wrong--we DO need to remind them, constantly. You were not wrong in letting your DD go with two friends if you brought her up to be honest. Who knows why they do what they do? It's simply dumb decision-making and we've probably all done it, just not quite as dumb, perhaps.
As for punishment, somewhere I read that one parent whose child was caught shoplifting made him clean the bathrooms of the store, every night for a week. With my son, I know he'd learn his lesson cuz that's a job he loathes. Grounding her for a week might be in order, too. It sounds like your DD is showing remorse, and that's a good sign. Without that, I'd make the punishment more severe.
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
It sounds like your DD is showing a lot of remorse, she probably did it on a whim... one of those moments when we ask "what were they thinking?" and the answer is "they weren't." She sounds like a really good kid who made a bad step, and with the amount of remorse she is feeling, probably won't do it again.
J & S did something similar when they were 17, just a few weeks after S came to live with us... for J it was really something out of character for him, unfortunately, it wasn't so out of character for S. (when he was living with his aunt, there really weren't any consequences for this kind of thing, other than grounding him for a few months - which he usually avoided by skipping out while she was at the bars.) Not only did I come down really hard on them, laying heavy on "I'm so disappointed that you chose to do this" but, in addition to paying whatever penalties the court imposed, the boys spent a whole weekend at hard labor with DH (moving cement blocks)and then were grounded for a week. There was never a repeat of that kind of thing, and it was the first step toward straightening up his act for S. In a way, for him it was a mixed blessing - looking back I think our reaction said loud and clear that we were serious about how we expected him to behave while in our family, and he was finally done 'playing the game' and got serious about meeting our expectations.
Hang in there Karin, this was just a misstep on your DD's part (all be it a big one) - and all teens make at least a few missteps on their way to adulthood. I don't believe you were wrong in letting her go to the mall unchaperoned with friends. She'd proven herself to be trustworth up til this point, and she'd earned the extra freedom you gave her. Maybe the next couple of shopping trips will have to be chaperoned until she shows that she's learned her lesson, but given her level of remorse, my guess is there won't be a repeat of this one.
Rose
DS2 at 17 took his older brothers drivers license(20-not even drinking age)Then he got stopped for speeding and handed brothers license to the cop. As the cop was checking it back in the squad, he changed his mind/realized his error and waved the guy back saying "Oops-I gave you the wrong one"
He ended up in court; we ended up getting a lawyer. It was all 'big'. My son looked so small standing up there in front of the judge on the bench I ALMOST felt sorry for him.
He was under court supervision for a year and had many hours of community service. He was supposed to lose his own drivers license-its an automatic in the state of IL(actually my older son could also have lost his if there was indication he knew)It never happened. We think the cop was impressed he called him back and admitted the switch and never filed what is apparently a different form. But THAT hung over him for a long time, thinking there'd be notice from the state any day
I honestly dont remember if we added further punishment. We were disappointed and yes, that word carries weight if you dont overuse it. He needed to pay us back for court fines, fees, and lawyers.
He watched his behavior closely for a long time. It made a big impression. If he had done 'anything' during that time, not only would he be liable for the current infraction, the court would reopen the first care as well.
If she is going to court, I wouldnt worry too much about your punishment-if you feel the need, certainly go ahead. But 'outside' punishment surely will make a bigger impression.
I'd also get a lawyer; I felt a lot more confident we were doing the right thing with legal advice(dd could work that off with chores, I suppose-mine was old enough to work outside the home)