I need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
I need some advice
10
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 10:22am
My DD wants has made a new friend at school, "J". She had talked about her some earlier this year as someone who was pretty nice but with alot of problems. This past weekend she wanted to spend the night at this girls house. I looked around on her myspace, and she said something about an "F-ing" lawyer and having to go back to court. I spoke with DD about this and she informed me that J had been in the car (she is 13) with a guy who got busted with drugs, so she had to go to jail for 2 weeks because they couldnt get ahold of her family to pick her up, and she has had an ankle monitor up until this past Friday!! The story doesnt quite add up to me. I mean, would a 13 yo girl be jailed for 2 weeks and have to wear an ankle monitor just for being in the car? And I dont believe that she was in jail because nobody would come pick her up. Needless to say, she did not go to this girls house. She had a FIT over the fact that we wouldnt let her go.
So, now she has asked if this girl can spend the night next Friday night, then on Sat. she wants me to go over and meet the mom or gma, whoever she lives with (I know its a broken home). And she wants to spend the night there, and then have me come on Sun. morning and take this girl to church with us. Ive got a real bad feeling about this friendship. And my DD is very dramatic, and I have to say she doesnt have a very good head on her shoulders. I dont trust her decision making AT ALL. Ive sheltered her quite a bit, and in fact, Ive got a feeling she will rebel at the first chance she gets. (Im constantly making her delete bad language and other inappropriate content from her myspace-which infuriates her, she thinks she should be able to do whatever she wants!)
I need advice...opinions...constructive criticism...HELP!
Amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 11:16am

IMO you are doing the right thing by trusting your instinct.

Pam
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 12:34pm
Well I wouldn't say you've sheltered her if you make her delete inappropriate things from MySpace. We as parents need to guide them or they won't understand what is acceptable and what isn't. Your DD sounds alot like my DD who is now 16. She always has wanted to hang out with "edgy" kids. I don't know why. Maybe she just has a risk-taking nature to her personality. I have had alot of trouble in the past year with her. When I try to get her to do something, I often hear a flat out "NO". Like I have no right to tell her what to do. When my DD was 13, she hung out with a girl that was a "cutter" and some other questionable characters. They got into some trouble together, even though DD said she wouldn't let the cutter's behavior influence her. We told her she had to stay away from the cutter because she was a bad influence and would talk DD into doing things she wouldn't normally do. When DD wasn't with this girl, she was fine. During the time she hung out with her she really mouthed off to us with swearing and everything; she doesn't normally even swear around her friends. We tried to get DD to understand that she needed to stay away from this girl because she wasn't even acting like herself when she was around her. She just didn't agree. Finally they separated. Then two years later, they became friends (last year)... oh, the trouble started all over again. Then it lead to a bad relationship with a boyfriend which is still sort of going on. She met this guy through the cutter. To make a long story short, at 13 DD did not have very good judgement and she still doesn't. You may have a struggle on your hands, but do the best you can to give advice. Have some heart-to-heart talks and let her know you love and support her. I think that's a biggie... her knowing you are there to support her. Good luck to you.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 1:29pm

Too easy! The answer is NO WAY!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 3:53pm
My daughter had/has friends that I don't care for for various reasons. She is 15 now. I wish I would have stopped her contact with these kids a long time ago. I find as they get older it's harder to monitor where they are/who they are hanging out with and it also can be harder for them to make new friends. So my advice would definitely be to curtail this friendship now if you have a bad feeling about it. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2006
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 3:59pm
I'm a teen and understand your situation. My advice is that you accept to meet this girl and someone from her family so you can be reasured or so you may better explain your daughter why you don't want her to be with that girl. At her age, a friendship might seem the most important thing in the world so it is important that you don't just forbid her because she will probably disobey you. Try to understand why she looks at this girl as a friend so you may understand her better. Don't just say "no" but talk firmly, maybe using examples on why everything is not okay and caution is important. Let her know you understand she is not a child and that is why you want to find a reasonable solution together. I strongly advice you to meet the girl and the environment she lives in. Either it proves you are exagerating or not, you will have more info. And if they meet under your "supervision" you can see what type of influence she is. Diplomacy is always better but in last case... your the mom, not her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 4:29pm

Amy,
Take the advise of everyone here and do NOT allow your dd over there. Hindsight being 20/20 I would have never allowed my dd to go over to her very troubled friend's house a couple of years ago. There were alot of red flags to me that the environment was not a safe one, but I rationalized that I was basing it all on hanging out in a low income area, and all the socio-economic things that go along with that. Translation: I didn't want to appear to be a snob. And gues what: my dd is smart enough to know that, too.

Like your dd, my dd14 found alot of redeeming qualities in H. And I'm sure there are, but the fact is that H. was always at risk and is now proving that all those statistics are there for a reason. Last week I heard she ran away from home for a day. She apparently was seen by a neighbor letting her b/f in her bedroom window (which faces the front of the single story house) and I have reason to believe she may be pg.

The bleeding heart liberal in me (which is dying a slow and painful death) thought I could somehow help H. I took her to church with us a few times, and to youth group. But I could not be as big of an influence on her as her own parents, who are some of her greatest downfalls, despite seemingly good intentions. The reality was instead that H. influenced my own dd in unhealthy ways. I believe it was her who started my dd cutting which I found out about last summer. I also think it has been difficult for my dd to see someone she loves and cares for so lost. She's far too young to be able to deal with that.

The long and the short of it is that it's a lot harder to take away a privilege which you have already granted. In short, DO NOT under any circumstances let your dd near that kind of environment. I cannot stress that strongly enough! You will live to regret it. Your dd will not be happy with you and that will be hard but - that's life. What I have done is to allow H. only to come over to our house, which she does sometimes. My dd is no longer allowed to step foot inside H.'s house and am going to stick to this come hell or high water. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 10:06am

I don't buy it either, that the girl was in jail because no one would pick her up.

However, that said, here in Texas a juvenile can apparently be picked up on suspicion of a crime and held 10 days and there isn't a thing parents can do about it. You can't bond them out like with an adult.

My first experience with the juvenile system was when DS-17 was picked up by the police when he was 6 years old! He had snuck the BB gun out of the house and shot out some windows of some trailers that had been abandoned for years. Only the month before had someone decided to try to fix them up and had put in new windows.

As the police told me they didn't have to give him back for 10 days and not a lawyer or anyone could get him out. I screamed and cried and yelled at them. It was just horrible.

Luckily the man told them he didn't want to file charges (he told me later he was horrified when he saw my 6 y.o. in handcuffs) and they brought him right back home. But in those 10 minutes I literally thought life was over. But that's really off topic, sorry.

The story about your DD's friend doesn't sound right, but then again, I can just see that happening here in Texas. (all except the part about no one picking her up) I would just get on the phone and call this girl's guardian and outright ask them what happened.

My son has a friend whose mother is somewhat concerned about her son hanging around mine. And she's told me several times. And it hurts... but I know what kind of mother she is and I never wonder or worry about DS when he's at her house.

Hope some of that makes sense... I've got a terrible headache this morning!

zz

Avatar for audreyoka
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 10:18am

I have to say the topics on this board are just incredible. I have two thoughts on this very tough friends topic. My first thought is that I agree about having the girl over but not letting DD go over there. My 2nd thought is that if she really wants to go, she's going to find a way to go.

When I was in high school (about 100 years ago), I had a great friend. Her parents were oh so strict. They liked me. Their daughter was allowed to hang out with me, sleep at my house etc. Well, most weekends, she lied to her parents, told them she was spending the night at my house and then went and hung out with all those who her mom and dad told her she couldn't hang out with.

Have you and your daughter talked about this girl in a very non judgemental way? Have you asked her what she likes about the girl? Have you even said "tell me your thoughts on her having been in jail". This will really give a clue what your daughter is finding appealing in this girl. These are tough conversations, as you'll have to bite your tongue LOL, but hopefully you'll gain some insight that will help you in making future decisions.

Audrey :)
http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 12:20pm
Thanks everyone for all the great advice.
I will try talking to her tonight about what she sees in this friend. I saw her being picked up yesterday by her grandmother, and she was going to babysit a couple of very young children with her gma ( I dont know why, but for some reason that makes me think shes not all that terrible-but still Im not letting my guard down). I will also call the guardian and just ask what happened.
My DD will definantly NOT BE GOING TO HER HOUSE. And before she comes to ours there needs to be some investigation.
Wow, things were much easier when DD was a terrible two. What is my DD thinking 1/2 the time? I think the problem is that she doesnt want to think. Sometimes when I try to talk to her about things such as this, she gets annoyed at my questions, and wonders why Im "always trying to be all parental". I think she would love to live alone and have her own car- she wants to be so independent, yet she is not even 14! Im amazed.
Wish me luck.
Amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 4:40pm

My son is 15 years old and has been away for 9 months, 5 months in juvenile lock up and 4 months in a rehab. He and one of his "friends", who I thought was Okay, got high on a lot of meth one weekend and decided to go up and down the street breaking into cars. I'm surprised that someone didn't shoot them. Anyway, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. My son started getting into trouble when he was about 10. He was hanging out with older guys and "friends" that I thought were Okay, but found out later just who they were. I definitely would not let your daughter associate with this girl. I know that trying to talk to your daughter about this would just be a waste of time. They have to learn on their own. And she may meet 100's of these types of girls that you won't know about, but I definitely would put my foot down on this one. Just take every opportunity you get to let her know that you are doing it out of love and that's how it's going to be. Good luck.

Judy