I need some advice, please.
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I need some advice, please.
| Sat, 08-04-2007 - 1:57am |
last spring, my daughter got involved with her first real boyfriend. He was very charming, but he was amidst being on again off again with another girl. This other girl has some emotional issues, and was a major head game player, and it really messed him up. Long story short, DD caught him at the movies with the girl back in May and that was the end of things. This was his third strike...he kept screwing things up. Anyway, he did some other sort of creepy-ish things, so we basically forbade them from contacting one another. DD keeps on talking to him, even though she knows there's a punishment involved. So, last night when she was on IM with him, I read their conversation over her shoulder (she let me). They have a connection. They love the same things. Their conversations just flow. They seem happy when they are talking. He apologizes to her every single day for what he did. They see each other every day at band, so there's no stopping that. Based on what I've seen, I feel as though it's wrong for us to stop her from talking to him and/or more. The biggest obstacle to them dating again is my husband. He pretty much wanted the guy's head mounted on the mantle. (not really, just so to speak) I am seeing things from a different perspective. I really wanted our daughter to date someone else....she has tried going out with two other guys, and what it comes down to is, she is hooked on this other guy. I can see it, plain as day.
Sooooo, if I were to consider allowing her to date him (playing by MY rules, which would be strictly enforced) how on earth do I break it do DH. He is a good, loving, hardworking man...but he's rather close-minded and unwilling to forgive. I am not sure what to do. The young man is willing to speak with DH in person and apologize and explain himself. That to me, takes some guts....
How would you handle this? (DD is a soph this year, boy is a senior...he's not doing drugs, and is a good kid otherwise from what I know) This reminds me distinctly of a relationship I had junior and senior year with a guy....I don't regret it at all...my parents had no idea of most of what went on, just that we broke up and got back together about 8 times. We always remained friends when we broke up, but we had a really strong attraction that always brought us back to dating again. I am feeling badly for keeping hem apart, however he has apparently taken the last two months to think about what he did and how he hurt others and never wants to do that again. I think he deserves another chance, and if he messes up again...she will know what to do.
The issue again....getting DH to not want to strangle the guy....ack...help!
Sooooo, if I were to consider allowing her to date him (playing by MY rules, which would be strictly enforced) how on earth do I break it do DH. He is a good, loving, hardworking man...but he's rather close-minded and unwilling to forgive. I am not sure what to do. The young man is willing to speak with DH in person and apologize and explain himself. That to me, takes some guts....
How would you handle this? (DD is a soph this year, boy is a senior...he's not doing drugs, and is a good kid otherwise from what I know) This reminds me distinctly of a relationship I had junior and senior year with a guy....I don't regret it at all...my parents had no idea of most of what went on, just that we broke up and got back together about 8 times. We always remained friends when we broke up, but we had a really strong attraction that always brought us back to dating again. I am feeling badly for keeping hem apart, however he has apparently taken the last two months to think about what he did and how he hurt others and never wants to do that again. I think he deserves another chance, and if he messes up again...she will know what to do.
The issue again....getting DH to not want to strangle the guy....ack...help!

I'm not sure how you can deal with this one.
My only question to you is, what sort of "creepyish" things DID he do? Could this be the main reason your husband is unwilling to let him back in your daughter's life.
About 9 months ago, after my daughter was dating a guy older than her (she was 17, he 20) for 6 months, she broke up with him to go back to the old boyfriend (or so she thought that's what she wanted) and the 20 year old sort of went off the "deep end" with not only dating another girl but putting up sexually explicit things on the internet about my daughter that were down right lies....all out of anger.
Well, even after this "creepy" side of him emerged, my daughter decided she wanted him back and I had seen this horrible message he had left. Before this split, he was always, so we thought, a really nice guy...good to my daughter etc.
Well, I heard my daughter out and begged my husband to let her and this guy give it one more shot even though I had told my husband what this guy had written on the internet about our daughter. I argued everyone makes mistakes, she won't see him as often as she used to and we, too, will monitor them more closely. This guy, like your daughter's boyfriend, was also willing to come and speak with my husband when he demanded that that was the only way he was getting anywhere near our daughter again.
Well, it didn't take long for the "other shoe to fall"...i guess some people don't change and his "real" character started to shine through and guess what I heard from my husband.."if only you would have let me handle this the way I wanted to she wouldn't be going through all this right now".
I felt like such a fool giving him a second chance and almost like I let my daughter down when I knew in my heart that opening the door to him again was wrong.
Depending on exactly what went on in your daughter and her boyfriend's relationship, your decision may not have nearly the bad consequenses mine did. If he just went back to the old girlfriend well, that's teenagers for you, and I don't think he needs to be crucified for that.
The b/f can come over and talk to your husband, but if it falls on deaf ears you're back at square one. I used to tell my husband, the last thing I want is for her to be sneaking around behind our backs seeing this guy because she is afraid to tell us where she's going and who with...and it did happen..once.
Better yet, have your daughter put in her appeal with your husband rather than yourself.
The fact that she came to him herself may have an affect on his decision.
Keep in touch.
First of all, I would want to know what creepy things this guy did. He is 2 yrs (roughly) older, so there are some concerns for me personally there. I actually told my 15 yo DS that he is too old to go with a 13 yo that is a grade behind him, I don't think it's appropriate myself, but to each their own.
All that aside, as a recovering over protective dad myself (who am I kidding, I try, but I'm still overprotective of DD17), I would tell your husband man to man that it's better if she makes small mistakes now than big ones later. She is really at the age where she absolutely NEEDS to get out on her own and experience life like a 14, 15 or 16 girl should be. After you talk to him, have your DD talk one on one with him. Encourage your husband to LISTEN to your DD and try to see her perspective. Tell him to make no desicions during their conversation, and be careful of what he says. I have said some real bone headed things to DD at different times that reflected nothing of how I truely felt, and in the process have hurt her.
I think most dads worry especially about DDs because we know how guys are first hand. All the funny stuff we did in HS or college isn't so funny anymore now that your DD is the center of attention. It really helps us dads if we know our DDs aren't in the dark, and actually know what's going on.
Personally I would have the guy come over just to tell him that you expect him to treat DD and her family with respect. Anything he wants to say wouldn't really affect my decision about allowing them to see each other, even if he's being truthful I would probably just think he's BS'ing anyway (opps, overprotective dad error).
Good Luck!
Edited 8/4/2007 11:22 am ET by dadfor6
Men are tricky sometimes!
What I do know is, his parents have gone through some therapy with him over the last couple of months to help him see what the other girl did to him, and he's been attending church 2-3 times a week, and talking to his pastor about his life and how to turn it around.
It could all be an act. It could be real. I have no idea, but I know that when my daughter is around him, she's happy. When they're forced to be apart, she's miserable. I guess letting her find out one more time is the only way for her to have closure. If he does something bad again, she needs to make the decision for herself to end it completely....I think us doing it for her made her wonder more.
Now...getting past DH...that's the tricky part.
Daddioe wrote:
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When our DD first started dating her b/f T, DH pulled T aside one night as he was leaving our house and in formed him "Just remember, that's MY daughter.
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It was a good comment Rose, but I can't take credit for Dadfor6's ... :-)