I need your help desperately! (long)
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| Fri, 06-23-2006 - 1:00am |
I have an almost 17 year old daughter named Krissy. She was in a traumatic accident last October when she was pinned by a truck on the ground, due to a drunk driver. She suffered two fractures of her pelvis and some memory loss, along with scoring lower in intelligence for some high school testing. Before she went into her junior year she tested at 12.9 for a grade level. Now? She tested at a freshmen level. :(
She was with two really good friends at the time of the accident. BOTH of them guys. One who is a big brother type to her. He's 28, it was his truck she was in. And... the other guy, 19. There was another guy who was ran over by one of the trucks at the accident scene, and he suffered a badly fractured leg. He has had NUMEROUS operations, doctors think he will more then likely lose that leg. :( Anyways... These people were there for her, when she was pinned by a Ford Ranger on her back. They helped to lift it off, and were there for her at the hospital. In the last 8 months the first guy who was like her brother has pretty much ignored my daughter until lately, when he has became a real... you know... *shakes head* :(
My daughter is MOODY all the time! Doesn't think that she should have rules.
She has another girlfriend, who is 22, homeless, has a little boy who is being cared for by her parents, because she just couldn't handle being a mom... SHe has used my daughter for money in the past. Bailed out when she was supposed to have bought her car from her. (My daughter was going to buy it for $300. She sold it to another guy for $125) Which really upset my daughter. Then not even 3 months later, she had put down $200 on this same friends husbands truck, and they backed out selling the truck to the girls brother. My daughter got her $200 back, but that wasn't the point. I have TRIED to restrict the time that they spend together, but so far it isn't working. :(
My daughter has been in counseling and has a diagnosis of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). She is supposed to take meds for it, but refuses to. :(
My daughter says that she doesn't want to be home and be bored. I'm thinking that she doesn't want to think about the accident. ??????? She works part time as a waitress and I have NEVER asked her for money, but I think that's going to change. Her 22 year old female friend takes showers here, and they leave the lights on all night.
She has her boyfriend (he's 19) over with her 22 year old female friend past midnight. When curfew is at 11:30. They watch TV half of the night. (Caught them the other night and told them that they had to leave) I try to talk to my daughter about it and she just gets upset and cries that I won't let her have a life.
I am upstairs in a bedroom that is the master bedroom (equipped with cable tv and internet) and near my 2 1/2 year old. My daughter is downstairs in the only bedroom down there. So I can't monitor who comes and goes in the middle of the night. I can't sleep downstairs, because it's too noisy. (Neighbors have a 2 year old and twin boys 5 1/2 months old, that sleep with the mom next to the downstairs bedroom). My lack of sleep before make me not so nice of a mom, that's why I moved upstairs. Plus, this room is my get away room. I KNOW that the ideal thing to do would be to move back downstairs, but then... there goes my sleep again. :( I have four children that live with me. My almost 17 year old, twin daughters, who are 10, and a 2 1/2 year old daughter.
I don't know what to do about her anymore. She is driving me insane.
She doesn't want to stay home and fights me on it. When I tell her that she has to stay home, she cries and gets really depressed. I am hoping to talk to the therapist about this next week when she sees her.
What time are curfews for your teens?
And do you believe that chores are essential, even if they work out of the home?
SHe used to do chores before she left to be with her friends.
Another thing is... she was hanging out with my dear friends 20 year old daughter, using her car so she could get her drivers license (I dont' have mine yet). She'd let my daughter drive her car all of the time. THey'd go shopping together. Hang out.
Now? She doesn't even take my friend's daughter's calls anymore. :(
Should I be worried about drug or alcohol abuse? I am soooo worn out emotionally.
On top of all this... One of my 10 year old daughter's has ADD, ODD, is cognitively disabled, and has had seizures. My 2 1/2 year old daughter, has Sturge Weber Syndrome, and has had seizures. I am also a divorce/single mom.
Help!
PS SORRY this is so long...

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My son is younger but our general rule for curfew for our foster kids has always been 10pm on school nights and 11pm on weekends.
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Absolutly. No one is going to clean her dishes, wash her clothes,cook her meals, do the grocery shopping for her, clean her apartment etc.. when she's an adult and out on her own...just because she has a full time job. KWIM?
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I think you need to know who she's with and what they are like. I think a certain amount of trust is called for but also consider her vulnerablity (will she do something she knows is wrong just to fit in right now?) Keep an open line of communication going.
<> I can imagine. ((((((hugs)))))))
stacy
Wow, it really seems like you have a lot to deal with. I really would suggest some professional counselling because I think the problems are bigger than we can give advice for.
I have a 17 y.o. DD who has her own car and since the state driving laws say that kids under 18 can't drive after midnight, it's makes it easy for parents to have that as the (latest) curfew. Of course, I wouldn't let her stay out that late on a school night. I usually don't even let her go out on a school night, but she has gone to some events, like basketball games at school. Since she is a very good student and always gets her homework done, I allow that. If she wasn't doing her homework, it would be different.
She also has a part-time job, but I still think she has to do chores. I am probably not as tough on that as I should be. The one thing she has to do is her own laundry since if she doesn't do it, noone else is going to and she will have no clean clothes. I thought it was really funny the other night that at the store she works at she was closing and had to help clean up. When the boss asked her to wash the floor, she didn't know how to use the mop!
On another point, my DH has a MI so I know how important it is to take psych meds. She should not be allowed to get away w/ not taking them, because maybe if she took them, a lot of other things would improve too. You need to talk this over w/ her therapist to come up w/ a plan for how to get her to take them, even if you need to actually watch her take the medicine every day.
Plus with your other kids to worry about, I don't think it's unreasonable to set time limits as to when other people can be in the house. It would be one thing if a friend was sleeping over, but if people are just visiting, I would want them out of the house by the time I am going to bed. I do wonder about the influence hanging around w/ older people is having on your DD. My DD's friends are all in high school and I believe that the kind of friends kids hang around with has a major influence on them. Since my DD's friends are all good students, not in trouble, don't drink, etc., she doesn't have to deal w/ the peer pressure to do something diff. I don't think a homeless mother who can't take care of her own child is going to be a good influence on your DD, but I don't have the answer about how to get rid of her either.
First of all - big hugs! I'm so sorr for all you are going through - you've really got your plate full. What your daugther has been through is awful, and her behaviour sounds pretty par for the course considering Post-traumatic stress syndrome. If she WON'T take her medication and WON'T go to counselling, she isn't going to get the help she needs. And yes, I think that it puts her at risk for self-medicating with drugs, alchohol, or destructive behaviour. I'm not really sure what to suggest, but I'm wondering if you could really lay down the law about medicaiton and counselling - tell her she HAS to do it or... (insert whatever tough love consequence you think is appropriate). I know it would be really hard to risk having her resist and move out, but you have other children that are being affected by this as well! As for the two specific questions you ask, here are my answers although they may not be all that relevant considering I have teens that don't have quite the issues your daughter does.
What time are curfews for your teens? In the house by 10:00, no set curfew on when to go to bed. NO friends over past 10:00 either, unless for a pre-arranged sleep over.
And do you believe that chores are essential, even if they work out of the home? Absolutely! And I just had this argument with my 15 year old, who just got his first job. He felt that he was too busy to keep doing all his chores - I pointed out that I work all day and still have to cook and clean. I also pointed out that I don't get any value from his job - he earns spending money, so why should I have to suffer by picking up his slack. I suggested (and knew he'd say no way) that if he preferred, he could give me a part of his cheque and I'd pay someone else to do his chores! (after all, if I can't keep up and I hire a housekeeper, it comes out of my paycheque, right? ;-)
Thanks everyone.
She hasn't had meds prescribed yet. That appt is in two weeks.
*sighs*
NOTE that I posted an update. :(