I raised her, now she won't talk to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2006
I raised her, now she won't talk to me
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 11:19pm
As a single parent I raised her and her brother. In her Senior year of High School instead of talking to me about wanting to move in with her father she secretly helped him take me to court for custody of her. Now she treats me like her father treated her while I was raising her; now is 19, living only a mile away but not answering voicemails, text messages, or e-mails. I feel like I failed as a parent. She talks to her brother (thank God!) and he says she doesn't visit because she is scared and she moved out because she didn't like the rules. Apparently there aren't any rules at their fathers and from what they say the few rules there aren't enforced.
I miss my daughters smile, and everything else about her. She states she can't get along with both her parents at the same time so she seems to have cut me out of her life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 12:03am

Keep trying. She'll grow up someday, and miss her mom. Since she's 19 yo, try approaching her adult-to-adult. Invite her to lunch, and keep your end of the conversation light and positive, unless she really wants to talk about the deeper issues. If she does, try to simply show her that you love her and that you always will. And tell her that you're not angry that she's living with her dad (even if you are).

If she agrees to meet (for lunch, coffee, whatever), try to see her moving out not as a rejection, but as a phase she's going through, likely having more to do with asserting independence, than in trying to hurt you, or that you made some kind of mistake.

Let her know that no matter where she lives, that you'll always love her and be there for her, and that you want to support (I mean emotionally, not necessarily financially) her choices, goals, and dreams.

Don't give up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 12:28pm
Maybe you could get a message to her through your DS that you aren't holding it against her that she moved out (even though you might be) and that you would still like to see her sometime. I think in order to have a relationship w/ her you have to keep it light & friendly for now. Obviously she can get along w/ both parents--most kids whose parents are divorced do. Maybe you could just ask her to come over for dinner once a week & when she sees you aren't interrogating her, then she'll be relieved and more willing to talk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 1:24pm

My ds who is 16 1/2 moved to live with his dad 1200 miles away. I would recommend sending your dd a simple note or card letting her know that you love her and you are there for her no matter what, drop it in the mail. This lets her know that the door is open for communication, that you love her, and that everything is still "okay".