I really messed up

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I really messed up
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Sun, 07-22-2007 - 12:10pm
kjakjfkl;a


Edited 9/1/2007 3:30 pm ET by kel7col4



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Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:36pm
hjlhjhjk;l


Edited 9/1/2007 3:34 pm ET by kel7col4



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Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:55pm
ghjlkl';lkjhgfd


Edited 9/1/2007 3:35 pm ET by kel7col4



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Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:58pm

sdfghjkl,




Edited 9/1/2007 3:35 pm ET by kel7col4



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Mon, 07-23-2007 - 2:33pm

>>>how I'm supposed to give advice when asked or just choose not to have any advice?>>>

I try to phrase my thoughts as thought provoking questions these days. Not long ago, my 19dd told me she and her bf were thinking of getting promise rings in the fall and I have to say, I was taken aback and left speechless. I really didn't know what to say that would have been appropriate or, not piss her off completely. Inevitably I guess I under reacted and she got mad anyway! LOL - can't win.

If my dd says something like, "Why does he do that when he knows it pisses me off?" I might respond with, "Do you tell him clearly that it upsets you?" And she would likely say, "Yes, of course I tell him!" so I might say, "Tell me what you tell him; maybe he is misunderstanding you"....and so on. At a certain point, however, I can tell that as we're talking and she's explaining her feelings in more detail, that she really doesn't need my input anymore because she's evaluating the situation/her feelings as we go along and no longer needs to vent. You know what I mean? I just try to keep asking questions back. If my dd point blank asks me what I think or how I would handle it I remind her that I am 44 and have more life experience so my reactions would not be in synch with a 17 year old and, therefore, might not be appropriate in her situation. If she persists, I will try and find another way of explaining my perspective without it being directly about dd and her bf. It's like doing a tap dance.

Mostly what I like to do is hear her out and then give her a hug and tell her if she needs me I'm there for her to talk to. I may make the suggestion to write in a journal, ban her from computer use and then I will leave the room. I might give her a chore to do or suggest she ride with me to run errands - something to allow her thinking time without wallowing in her room or storming on the computer. They need to process the information without so much input and without frying the bf on line. I once took away the internet and her cell for over 2 weeks because she & bf were so far up eachother's you-know-whats that I couldn't stand it. I gave her some lite extra chores and made her come with me often just to keep them from being in constant contact. She went through one week's withdrawal and then she was fine. After that, she made room in her life for other people and her gf's again. She enjoyed her time away from the bf and so when they were together again, she was happier. Incidentally, I once suggested she talk about her bf with her girlyfriends instead of me. I knew they'd give her bad advice, but I had already spoken my piece and I knew she'd weigh it all out.

I think that young girls should be yakking about this bf/gf thing with her girlfriends and only touching base with their moms. We don't need to explain everything to them - most of it they have to learn from experience in order to truly understand it. Being hurt is a good thing - it teaches us for future relationships. And always having mom play referee and/or explaining how it's all supposed to work doesn't really allow her to experience it for herself. Anyway, I've blathered on long enough. You're doing good kel. Just keep that tape handy. I do!

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Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:47pm
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Edited 9/1/2007 3:36 pm ET by kel7col4



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Mon, 07-23-2007 - 5:49pm

Someone, somewhere in all the reading I had to do to catch up with this thread, mentioned not to be too hard on J, coz he is afterall, just a kid himself.

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Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:02pm
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Edited 9/1/2007 3:37 pm ET by kel7col4



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Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:46pm


Not really, but we do laugh sometimes about how she still hasn't learned and goes through this with my sister, who is 11 years younger than me.

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