I really need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
I really need advice!
17
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 6:14pm

brief rundown:
My daughter, 15 1/2, liked this guy back in Feb and they went out once and talked for about 5 days and then he told her he still had a thing for his former girlfriend. Everyone told her he would do that because he recently did the same thing to another girl. He apparently used other girls to get the girlfriend back. Then, in May she dated him again for about 8 days, and then she caught him on a date with the other girl,so she ended it and I asked that they not speak to each other anymore. A couple of weeks later, she started talking to him again and then found out that at the same time he was text talking to her on the phone, telling her all these sweet nothings, he was on AIM making a date with the other girl and telling the other girl my daughter meant nothing to him. (seeing a pattern here?) So we forbade her from seeing him anymore because he was making her crazy AND I found out he sent a naked picture of himself to the other girl, and was acting kind of disrespectful to his friend's (who is my daughter's friend too) mom. 2 months have passed, and he has been shunned by all of his friends for his behavior, and my daughter's one guy friend hung out with him last week, saying that he has spent the last two months just working and spending time alone, reflecting on what he did, etc...
My daughter is now talking to this boy again, and I know that she never stopped liking him in spite of his actions...but we really do not want her with him at all. She let me read their aim conversation and of course, he is saying all the right things to her, but all that does is suck her in more.
I am not sure what to do. I was in a similar relationship in HS, where we'd date for a few weeks, then break up and go out with others, then get back together, etc...and it went on like that for a year and a half! The difference was, I was never really bothered by it...my friends let me do my own thing and didn't get involved, and my parents never said anything...it was just "Oh, you and Kyle are going out again? Have a nice time!"

What do I do? Do I tell her he is not welcome here and she cannot go on dates with him? That may only cause sneaking. I am way more involved than my parents ever were, and sometimes that doesn't allow for her to make her own mistakes...however, this time I just think she is being moronic. There is the nicest, handsomest, smart and great guy (that she was starting to like) that may want to ask her out, and I really want her to give that a shot instead of being with this other guy that we are not at all thrilled with. Oh, and apparently the ex girlfriend's parents didn't like him either, because the dad supposedly pulled a shotgun on him once for something he did. He just isn't who we want for our daughter.
HELLLPPPPPP!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 6:25pm

Your parents did the right thing in dealing with your on again, off again relationship - they let you learn the lessons for yourself rather than expect you to learn from their experiences.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 7:33pm

Listen to Rose!

I'm living the after effects of doing what you want to do and have pretty much lost my daughter for it. She and I were always so close and I never saw this coming.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 7:48pm
I am thinking that her going behind our backs and starting to talk to him again when we told her not to deserves some type of punishment...a week off of the computer and cell phone maybe? I was thinking of telling her, the choice is hers...but if she wants to date him, he is not welcome in our home and she is not allowed to go on car dates with him. That in itself, should be a big enough deterrent. I really cannot fathom the thought of having to look that kid in the face again. He lied to me, and wasn't really very kind to our dog or my small children...thus, the reasoning behind him not being allowed in the house.
This is hard. I have a headache. I want to make her be a baby again...in retrospect, it was so much easier!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 8:05pm
I agree with Rose too. It's really hard to watch our dd's make choices we don't agree with. My dd(16)& her bf make me crazy sometimes. I want to tell dd exactly what I think but if I do I know it will all be turned back around on me. I've found it works best for me to keep my thoughts to myself. I'm also much more involved in my kids lives than my parents were and I'm not sure that's a good thing. I wish I could relax and not worry so much about them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 8:52pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:33pm

I'm sorry...I mis-wrote what her instructions were. She knows there was to be NO contact whatsoever with him...that meant IM's, text messages, Myspace comments, etc...They do see each other at band practice, so I cannot control that. All of her friends and the majority of the kids in the band dislike him, so she probably won't feel comfortable hanging around him in front of them for fear of damaging her friendships.

I hear what you're saying...I really do. Based on other things I have heard, I believe this kid is a sociopath in the making. He scares me....I cannot pinpoint why, but he does. I have stressed all the things you mentioned to her...what kind of person sends naked pics (with an erection, no less) to people? What kind of person professes his undying love at the same moment he is saying the exact thing to another girl? When they were alone together at any moment, he was apparently pushing and pushing to get into her pants. She had never kissed anyone before him. I want so much better for her. She is 8th in her class out of 598...this guy is going to bring her down...I just know it. I'm going to go and talk to her again, without so much parental tone and just ask her how she feels. My husband is adamant that this boy is not allowed in our home, nor is she allowed in his car. We had a rule about that before (she was to be 16) and we decided to go ahead and let her ride with him to the movies twice....but then he screwed up, so that will not happen again.

This sucks. Plain and simple...she has another boy who loves her to pieces that I'd love for her to date...but nooooo...she likes the bad boy.

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:47pm

I don't mean to upset you, but because I was where you are about 6 months ago....I can see it. You are not looking for advise, you want others to say that what you want to do with your daughter is right. I felt the same way....DS different story, but it was making my DH and I crazy that our DS would be sooooo blind, stupid, a doormat, etc....The more we pushed our thoughts the further he drifted from us, and into this girls arms...I'm not kidding, I WISH I had left it alone!!! We are finally after 6 months of fighting, seeing this thing between them die a bit. We never told him he couldn't see her, but were very close to it, but we did do damage that we wish we hadn't with our son. I really hope that you also reconsider punishing her for what you concieve is going behind your back, you made that happen :( I know it is easy for me to say in hindsite, but I wish I hadn't gotten so wrapped up in my 16 yr olds relationship. I also believe that all of our fighting helped push them into having sex :( I just know it made them
"bond" together against us :( Good luck, but I would think long and hard about what I have said. I would bet that if you listen to Rose's advise you will see that your daughter will see this guys "bad side" all on her own....it may just not be as quick as you would like.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 10:19pm

no, I do understand. I just feel that he is more of a threat to her than anything else. If it was just simple stuff like he is jerky sometimes or they fight a lot, I wouldn't get involved. He is WEIRD. I cannot understand why she would want to like him after all the creepy stuff he did. She is beautiful and has so much going for her...why HIM? No one could figure out why she went out with him in the first place. As her mother, I don't want her alone with him. I'd rather pick up and move first. In one week's time, he talked her into letting him do things that I thought would take her months to do.

What do I do? Do I let him come here, even though he is not nice to our kids/dog/us? Do I let her go places with him in his car even though that puts her out there for him to do whatever he wants with her, and disrespect our curfew like he did the last time they went out (she was to be home at 11, he brought her home at 12:30)? If I don't want him here, and I don't want to allow her to car date, really...what's left? Any suggestions? My husband is adamant that they are not dating...I'm more open to suggestions. I've asked her what she would do in my shoes, and she told me she'd let her daughter make her own mistakes. She has made 3 mistakes with this guy already...for such a smart girl, why does she want to make another one?
Oh, and I forgot to add, she thought about dating this other guy she knows, and he said he thought she was nice and pretty, but he wasn't going anywhere NEAR a girl that "M" had "messed with". So, now she has a bad reputation because she went out with him. That's great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 11:00pm

Why the bad boy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 12:51am
Depending on what kind of kid she is, not implying that shes bad but i woudl kind of bribe her into goign with this other guy. Its all about the way youtlk to ppl, if you make this new guy sound so much better tellin her bout all the nice things girls say bout him (his past gf's) and it wont take much to make man hoe sound bad. But be kinda respectful about man hoe even if you dont want to be. Tell her you dont want her to sneak. That's my point of view.
-Suerieanna Danyelle Nye

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