I really need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
I really need advice!
17
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 6:14pm

brief rundown:
My daughter, 15 1/2, liked this guy back in Feb and they went out once and talked for about 5 days and then he told her he still had a thing for his former girlfriend. Everyone told her he would do that because he recently did the same thing to another girl. He apparently used other girls to get the girlfriend back. Then, in May she dated him again for about 8 days, and then she caught him on a date with the other girl,so she ended it and I asked that they not speak to each other anymore. A couple of weeks later, she started talking to him again and then found out that at the same time he was text talking to her on the phone, telling her all these sweet nothings, he was on AIM making a date with the other girl and telling the other girl my daughter meant nothing to him. (seeing a pattern here?) So we forbade her from seeing him anymore because he was making her crazy AND I found out he sent a naked picture of himself to the other girl, and was acting kind of disrespectful to his friend's (who is my daughter's friend too) mom. 2 months have passed, and he has been shunned by all of his friends for his behavior, and my daughter's one guy friend hung out with him last week, saying that he has spent the last two months just working and spending time alone, reflecting on what he did, etc...
My daughter is now talking to this boy again, and I know that she never stopped liking him in spite of his actions...but we really do not want her with him at all. She let me read their aim conversation and of course, he is saying all the right things to her, but all that does is suck her in more.
I am not sure what to do. I was in a similar relationship in HS, where we'd date for a few weeks, then break up and go out with others, then get back together, etc...and it went on like that for a year and a half! The difference was, I was never really bothered by it...my friends let me do my own thing and didn't get involved, and my parents never said anything...it was just "Oh, you and Kyle are going out again? Have a nice time!"

What do I do? Do I tell her he is not welcome here and she cannot go on dates with him? That may only cause sneaking. I am way more involved than my parents ever were, and sometimes that doesn't allow for her to make her own mistakes...however, this time I just think she is being moronic. There is the nicest, handsomest, smart and great guy (that she was starting to like) that may want to ask her out, and I really want her to give that a shot instead of being with this other guy that we are not at all thrilled with. Oh, and apparently the ex girlfriend's parents didn't like him either, because the dad supposedly pulled a shotgun on him once for something he did. He just isn't who we want for our daughter.
HELLLPPPPPP!!!

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Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 7:56am
I think you are losing a little perspective here...Nice girls all across this country are liking "bad boys" and one boyfriend is not making or breaking their reputations. If this "nice" guy really is changing his opinion of your DD based on her relationship with this one kid - then I would question how "nice" he actually is.
I would caution you to not get caught up in what I and my mom friends call "stupid teenage stuff." Some of what you are questioning this boy about, could be put in that category and also be careful about surface appearances of things. Just because a boy appears to be a great catch to a Mom, doesn't mean a whole lot. I have DS's 17 & 19 and let me tell you, creeps come in some very nice packages!
My own DD is also 15 (and a half) and we have always tried to keep the questionable guys closer...I mean if you forbid too much, you are putting that relationship in a place where you have no idea what is going on. How about showing him how "nice" girls date? They have BF's over for cookouts and watch TV with the family (on occasion).
Good luck and think about keeping a low, but vigilant profile about this boy - it may get you further.
Sharon
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 8:48am

I hear what your saying about feeling that she isn't safe. I didn't ever feel that way about DS's GF, but believe me we felt that there was nothing redeming about her and that we just couldn't believe our son would choose this girl. He also has lots of girls he could date....but I have now learned my lesson about how not to push other girls....cause I did that too!!

Because you worry about her safety, you could just set the ground rules of their dating. As much as you don't want him at your house...you could say that for the time being, while you and DH are getting to know him better, to try and see what your DD see's in him, they must be at your house.

We set ground rules with my DS and he has now lived by them....we keep hoping that the girl will get tired of them, as she is two yrs older. She comes to my house and yes, I feel sick to my stomach, but at least I know I am the one supervising. I feel your pain, I know how dissapointing it is to see your child do something that you just can't understand. I kept wanting there to be a reason why I had to say "thats it you can't see her anymore".....like something illigal, or that she did drugs or drank. I am telling you that as SOON as DH and I backed off a little....things cooled down a bit between them. We really ignore that they are dating.

I'm babbling now, just want you to know, I do know how you feel.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:31am
She said she got sucked back in by his sweet talk. In her rational mind, she knows we are right, but she loves how he makes her feel when he's saying all the exciting things to her.
She also likes this other guy (totally different kid) and may go out with him after she feels like this has blown over. She told the other guy that this wasn't going to happen and for him to forget about her and stop calling her. I'm sure her heart is still with him somehow, but thankfully he is a senior and will be gone in a year's time. The fact that he turns 18 soon and she will still be 15, makes even her uncomfortable I think too. She talked to friends till the wee hours last night and was laughing and seemed happy, so I think they helped her through whatever it was. If this resurfaces again, I am unsure how I'll handle it...but I will probably tell her the same things but let her have more choices this time. He will never be welcome here however, so I think it will be quite challenging.
I probably didn't handle it properly, and who knows what may happen...but I have to keep my fingers crossed that this will be the last we hear about him. She needs a light-hearted and fun relationship...and if she goes out with this other boy, he'll give it to her. He's not a handsome kid by any means, but he has the best sense of humor, is nice to our family, and cares so much about her. He is also 15, and I will drive him here and home again if he wants...My daughter doesn't need to be going on car dates. We should have stuck to our guns about that from the beginning.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:45am
we tried that before...he was rude, and spent the whole time trying to get my daughter in dark places to make out. I know about the packages bad boys come in...trust me, I dated a lot as a young girl. I had some pretty awful stuff happen to me. I went down a bad road because my mom didn't supervise me, or know squat about what I was doing. Luckily, I moved with my dad and that saved me. I probably would have ended up either dead or on the streets somewhere doing drugs, or pregnant...if I hadn't gotten turned around. I thank my dad for that all the time. He didn't know everything that went on, but he was a teacher at my school, and had a lot of rules. I needed rules. Kids need rules. I still had an awesome finish to my teenage years, and stayed away from all the other stuff because I wanted to please my dad. I seldom think about those days with my mom, and the things I did, because that was such a bad time in my life. I will not let my daughter get that way.
I thought that, as the parents and legal guardians of our children, we were supposed to protect them and give them rules to follow while they were under our care. At 15, my daughter lacks the wisdom, maturity, and common sense to see things from the right perspective. I am here to show her those things. I just don't feel that allowing her to date him would be smart in this situation. He's not on drugs from what we know...but he has issues that are otherwise unpleasant. Trust me, if any of you had small children in the house, you wouldn't want him around either. I have four kids, going down as young as 2.5....I cannot risk inviting unstable individuals into our home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:58am
thanks...
I won't have him here...not with having young kids in the house that he is rude/mean to. That won't happen. We told her last night what the perameters are around her possibly dating him, and it pretty much makes it impossible. I asked her what she would prefer...being able to date someone without as many hindrances, or to try and date him around all the rules. I got no answer...but she told him to leave her alone later.
I don't think a lot of the other posters here understand everything that has happened with this guy since I couldn't take the time to put every single action of his in my original post. His friends that he has had for like 7 years and were best buds with have all disowned him because of how he started acting. I feel that he needs some professional help, and a friend of ours actually talked to his mother, telling her the same thing from her perspective.
I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me input....I tried to think of a way that I could let her make her own choices, but there was just no way I could...other than telling her she could date him, but here are these rules...figure it out. She realized it wasn't possible, and was mad (and argued that he hasn't done anything wrong...her memory is apparently not very good) but once she started talking to her friends, they sided with us and she must have realized we were right.
Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:14am
I clearly understand children need rules and just as many of us may not have understood the gravity of this boys dark side, I still don't think you understood my message. You have to go with your gut - much of parenting is just that! Clealy he is displaying disturbed behavior and you need to protect your family from that.
You also might consider that there is an enormous difference between closely supervising and monitoring teens and no rules.
Good luck!
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:21am

"but once she started talking to her friends, they sided with us and she must have realized we were right."

That would be great if that works :) All of our DS's friends and his brother, whom he is very close with were all against the two of them together from the beginning, and DS seemed to be upset by this after a while, the girl really made it a "you and me against the world type thing" and that has worked :( so keep your eye on it.

Again, I do know how it is....I never posted all of the reasons I didn't like DS's GF, so I do understand how it is not to be able to post it all, or even put all of your thoughts into words. I hope that for your sake, it all does just go away!

Julie

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