I snooped...now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2007
I snooped...now what?
12
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 9:55am

A while back I found a condom in my 17yo DD's wallet. Yes, I snooped. I know she has had sex with her boyfriend (they've been broken up for quite a while now).


I checked for the condom the other day and it's GONE!


Do I ask her what happened to it?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 10:47am

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Im not sure what purpose that would serve other than satisfying some of your curiosity. And, if she thinks the answer is one you dont want to hear, she may come up with 'gave it to a desperate friend' and you will have a false sense of security anyhow

You already know she is sexually active so the big question has been answered.

I guess at this point I would say you have entered that gray area of privacy. Safety has already been addressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 1:09pm
I tend to agree with the previous poster - what purpose would asking her serve? You know she's had sex before. She's being safe about it. I'm assuming she knows your position on premarital sex. If not, you might want to have a general conversation about the emotional consequences of this but that's it. Asking about where it went will not serve any real purpose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 1:31pm
I'm with the other two posters - I can't see a positive outcome in asking her about it, and it could result in a lot of resentment on her part that you're snooping into "her business" and could cause her to go more underground with her activities. Let it lie.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 2:46pm
She could have just thrown it out or decided she didn't need to carry it anymore since she doesn't have a BF. I guess it's not a good idea to snoop cause you might find something you don't want to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 12:13pm

OK - I'm confused as to your timing - you say that "a while ago" - how long is that...and you found a condom in your DD's wallet, and she was having sex with her bf but they broke up. I guess my questions are:

Was she 17 when you found it - and if so, when does she turn 18?
Was she WITH the bf when you found it - and how long have they been apart?

And my ultimate question (for which someone is going to nail me to the wall, I know)...

What on earth are you doing going through a 17 year old girl's wallet - TWICE?

To me, snooping and finding it is one thing - we all snoop from time to time - but going back to "look for it" is a GROSS invasion of privacy. This girl is almost 18 and will be an adult soon - she should at least have the privacy of her own wallet.

For the record, at 17, to be at least confident that your child is being safe is a good thing--even if they're not following YOUR principles on premarital sex. While pregnancy in my family is not an issue, STD's obviously are, and rather than simply put my foot down and forbid it (although I did make sure they knew where I stood on the issue AND all the dangers), I put condoms in my son's Christmas stocking when he was 16.

Once I knew he was involved with someone and was going to become sexually active, I insisted both of them get tested and provide me with results before I would let them go out alone together.

Other than that, there was really no control I could exercise.

And while I snoop, and look in drawers and closets et al once in a blue moon, I have never gone into my son's wallet without permission - and he shows the same respect for my purse and wallet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 12:58pm

That is the down side of snooping, sometimes we find things we wish we had never seen. On a positive note, you can be certain she is practicing or planning to practice safe sex. I do not see the value of confronting her with the results of your snooping, it may erode trust and she will definitely see it as a violation of her privacy.

Perhaps you could address the social, emotional and physcial responsibilites involved with sex at this age in a conversation, without bringing up what you found in her wallet.

As for the OP who deemed it a crime to look in her wallet...ARE YOU KIDDING ME? There is no difference between looking in closets & drawers or wallets. It is our job to protect our children and a little monitoring or snooping may occasionally be required if our gut is telling us to take a look.

Again, I would just have an open discussion with her regarding sex and leave it at that. She obviously heeded warnings about safe sex.

Good Luck - Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 1:41pm

Anna,

No, I am not kidding you.

By the time our children are 17, we are, I would hope, educating them in adult-appropriate behavior. We expect them to get jobs. We expect them to get themselves up in the morning - take care of their own personal hygiene - etc. These are children that, for the most part, will be leaving us in about 7 months to go off to college and live quasi-adult lives...including learning how to interact in an adult world.

One of the adult-appropriate behaviors we teach children is that it is inappropriate to go through someone's wallet or purse without permission.

By the time your child is 17, either you trust them or you don't. If you do, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to be going through their wallet. That is their private space...we can't even give them that? If your friend went through your wallet without your permission, you'd have a fit. At 17, a child is almost at the age where you would, in fact, be completely out of line by going through their wallet and/or purse.

As far as ensuring their safety, you've pretty much done what you can by the time they're 17 - unless you see a change in their behavior, grades, etc. that indicates a problem, it's time to start cutting the apron strings and giving them some privacy - what better place to start than the wallet?

The OP stated she found the condom and then went back to look for it. If I truly couldn't trust my son, the initial discovery of the condom would have prompted restrictions that would have negated any need to look for it again. Obviously they have somewhat of a responsible, trustworthy relationship...which means that yes, I believe the DD's wallet is, in fact, private.

To be honest, I do not condone snooping unless your child's behavior indicates there may be a problem...I do not condone snooping "just because" - especially once they're 16 or older. At that point, either they're going down the right path, or they're not - and if they're not, privacy be damned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 5:30pm

I've been waffling a bit here, but honestly, at 17, I agree, unless there are signs of trouble, snooping is inappropriate. I don't even snoop on my 15 1/2 y/o most of the time... when I suspected that she and her b/f were having sex I did a tiny snoop, and after that I was done. That was the first time I'd had a look in her room in longer than I can remember. I've NEVER snooped on my now 19 y/o DS - he never gave me reason to.

We read a lot on this board about children having no respect for parents, about children who are very secretive... sometimes I think they do that in response to what they percieve as lack of respect for them and their privacy.

All of that said - I snooped on one of my 22 y/o DSs a LOT - simply because he gave me a lot of reason to worry about what he was into. And truthfully I didn't stop when he turned 18 - only stopped when he successfully graduated high school.

So I guess, mamarose, I agree with you here.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 12:12am

I guess we will have to agree and disagree. I find it ironic that it would be acceptable to look through closets and drawers, but the wallet of the teenager would be off limits. I am uncertain what makes a wallet privileged territory.

While I have never found it necessary to go to these limits with either of my children, I would if I felt their behavior or lack of communication told my motherly instincts something was amiss.

Now I will agree with you I cannot imagine, going back 2nd time to look to see if it was still there (not sure that was original posters purpose). That would be too much information for me as a mother to have. As I posted before I would reinforce the responsibilities and consequences of sexual behavior.

Happy Parenting- Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 9:34am
I realize my child is much much younger than yours (13). I also tend to snoop only sometimes (more because I'm lazy than anything else) but I must agree with the wallet vs. closet comparison. I don't see much difference either. Snooping is snooping. As for whether snooping is bad after some magical cut-off age -- I'm not so sure. If the parents of the Columbine killers had snooped more, perhaps that horrible event might not have occurred. As for whether or not the kids are already "who they are going to be" at age 17 ::thinking hard:: I'm not so sure that means parents need to abdicate. Legally we are still responsible for them. And I know I changed a lot between 17 and 21. Research shows a lot of brain growth/development is still occurring. That all makes me think it is just as important to be a participant in their lives and development.
I'm not saying every bit of minutia is my right to know. But it does seem that staying informed (however you must) to know if your kid is possible straying in a wrong direction and needs a little *subtle* direction (prodding) to get him back on track... isn't that better?
Again, I'm way far from this point and just speculating. But I can't imagine just turning off the parent switch at 17 because "in 7 months they'll be gone". Seems all the more reason to keep the switch ON.

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