I think I hate the internet....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
I think I hate the internet....
12
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:12pm

I discovered today that my barely 15 year old son has been checking out porn sites on my computer. I did not have any monitoring in place because we had a long talk about appropriate use and I told him I would be checking up on him periodically.

He swore he would be responsible. Apparently teenage hormones overcame responsibility....

I have locked him out of my computer and there is no other internet access in the house.

I am wondering if I am being a "wimpy" Mom by leaving his punishment at an internet ban? I know that he has shaken my trust in him, and that will show in other ways, where I may not trust him if he is planning to go someplace or whatever.

I have always strived to make my kid's punishment fit their crime.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this one? What did you do?

WM3

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:35pm

I struggle with the same frustration...but I find that when there's a will there's a way. Does your son go over to friends' houses? If so, he probably uses their computer with his friends & goes on sites there. That's why I continue to feel that restriction is not the only answer, it just isn't effective. Don't get me wrong, I don't know the answers! I just feel that we don't have nearly the control over our kids that we think we do, & I try to explore other solutions. However, I also think they're going to do what they're going to do.

I just try to keep the lines of communication open & stay involved and in touch, but I'm still struggling with worries about my daughter!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:51pm

My son was almost 15 the first time I caught him checking out porn on the net. Most of my friends have caught their sons doing the same thing, all kids but one just dropped it eventually. I think it's only natural (although very upsetting to moms) for teen boys to attempt to catch a pic of a naked woman. When I was a teen all the boys had checked out a Playboy here or there.

I also grounded DS from the net for awhile. He tried it again, tried to hide it from me, I grounded him again.... eventually it just fizzled out and we haven't had any problems since.

Good luck,
cc

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:27pm
teenage girls are looking too...I've caught my daughter. I hate it, but I do think it's normal curiosity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:12am
My ds was only 12 when his friend's 13yo brother introduced them to internet porn.
Pam
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:30am

It's normal for ALL teens to want to see it at least once or check out a risque file or link that a friend sends them - let's face it, it's hard to resist looking when it's right there. I would definitely reassure him that his interest and curiosity is normal, especially given his age and likely inexperience.

But then, I think it's important for you to share with him WHY you feel that porn is inappropriate such as you may feel that porn overall gives a distorted view of what you consider to be an enriching, loving, monogomous sexual experience. Perhaps you think it is degrading to women and men because you feel that sex between two consenting adults is a personal thing not to be viewed or shared with others. Perhaps you want him to know what you hope for his future sexual experience, ie., with a mutually consenting woman, in love, with comittment, etc.

I think rather than simply banning him from the computer, you need to spell out the reasons why you don't want him to be looking at porn. Porn, especially on line, varies in explicitness. It can be soft core nudity ranging all the way to some really twisted stuff. I have nothing against nudity in and of itself, but I wouldn't want my dd's (or sons if I had any) getting the impression that some of that really wild or twisted stuff is what's considered 'normal' in a youthful or loving relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:16pm

Thank you for that insight.

I was fairly angry when I spoke to him last night.

Now that I have cooled down a bit, I agree it is a good idea to reiterate with him my feelings about such things. A loving relationship is a beautiful thing, and sex as a part of that, once mature enuf to handle it, is wonderful. What the porn site portray is none of that, it is just garbage.

I have had the conversation with him before, after he found his dad's old Playboys, but letting him know that the curiosity is relatively normal, and that I don't think he is some kind of deviant is appropriate.

I was most upset at the break in trust, he agreed that he would use my computer appropriately, and he did not. Also, his younger sister and brother (10 and 6) also use my computer, and I was slightly freaked out at the thought that they might have accidentally stumbled across this trash.

Thanks!
WM3

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:58pm

kids are interested and they will look. i remember when i was 13-14 some friends and i bought a

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 7:45pm

yes, we dealt with this with our twelve year old dd two years ago. We found out she'd been on a five day porn spree. We confronted her and, among other things, talked with her about how porn and sex were very different ... porn is degrading, etc. Because she'd been warned about the dangers of going on such sites and ignored those warnings, we took away her interet for three months and grounded her for one month. She slowly regained her privilges and she has never gone there again. We now monitor (unbenknowst to her) all of her activity - including im's and emails.

It is sad how easy it is for kids to access this stuff - even when they don't want to. I was sitting with her while she was researching student council speech ideas right after she regained her privilges. She googled "student council campaign speeches" and selected a site promising to help write a dynamic speech and was taken direcltly into a porn site. My heart went out to her because she was so mortified, knowing that we knew she'd visited sites like this before she was caught. It's awfully hard to sit with mom while something like that pops up on the screen.

Be firm with him, but also understand many of us have been there.

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:12pm
I agree -- this is not a new issue. When I was a teen it was magazines, risque books and even stupid playing cards!! But at least now you have a way to protect your kids from this stuff. Sure curiousity is natural but there is a WIDE range of stuff on the 'net and it isn't all prettily posed pics like in magazines. Some of it can be pretty frightening and scary even for the most experienced of us. So I think maybe its time to put some sort of parental controls on your PC. It can be cheap and effective and at least you know you can let your son use the PC and not worry about that stuff...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 7:02am

<>


Which is why I chose to deal with this issue as I did... when I'd check the history and find something, I'd call my DSs (or the one that I knew it had to be) and said, "Come on over here and let's see what you've been up to online."

Pages