I want to like him.....
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| Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:56am |
But unfortunely, dd's bf rubs me the wrong way. He really is a "sweet" kid, but just not the guy I envisioned would be my daughter's first love - and someone she would loose her virginity to. Oh well...water over the bridge. I just need to vent a little and maybe there are others here who can relate?
Now that my dd is involved with her bf for 6 months - I am getting to know just how lazy of a kid he is. He graduated this year with a 3.6 gpa - which earned him a small scholarship and he is off to college in the fall (Locally - so he will still be around!). His scholastic achievement is great....but he hasn't been working at all through high school - crashed the car the parents had GAVE him (he didn't pay for it or the insurance) so doesn't have transportation and as far as I can see - has no other interests other than "hanging out with friends" and of course, my dd. So...what do they do when they are together? He has no cash flow to take her out so she is paying her own way most of the time (he does on occasion - but - rarely - because he has to the money from his parents) to movies, dinner, six-flags, whatever. So - they basically hang out at each other's houses (when parents are home) and with friends at their houses - watching movies, playing video games and every once in a while - they play soccer, run or do some other physical activity.
I asked him directly about why he wasnt working and he said he really needed to focus on school and that is why he didn't work during high school. Okay - I get that - but what about weekends, holidays and the summer? Finally, he went out and got a summer job at the mall - but doesn't work a steady week....only off and on - here and there.
Putting the laziness issue aside....he has a way about him that just bugs me. I can only say that it is an intuitive feeling I have - like something is not quite right. His mother is an alcoholic and his parents are divorced - (he lives with the mother). I met his dad - who seems like a really nice guy, but it makes me wonder why his father would not fight to have his sons live with him rather than a mother who smokes like a chimney and drinks from the time she gets home from work until she passes out. I sincerely doubt that she keeps an eye on dd and bf when they are at her house - so I have told the mom that unless she is able to make sure they stay on the main floor (not in his basement bedroom) my dd cannot go over. I now know they are sexually active (probably happened over there)...found out a couple weeks ago and have dealt with that issue. I don't condone it, and know I can't prevent it - but will not provide the opportunity for them to carry on like a married couple at each others homes in each other's bedrooms.
I probably shouldn't have...but I did tell my dd that I am not crazy about her bf. I did add that if she is happy with him....that is what matters. She grilled me about why I don't care for him - and I was honest. She is hurt....but I just can't force it. I try....but the kid gets under my skin!
Thanks for listening....can anyone relate?

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I think almost all of us can related on some level to what you're feeling.
I would continue to encourage dd to hang with her girlfriends as much as possible and engage in outdoor activities, like tennis, hiking, maybe volunteering at a local animal shelter or nature center. Keep your focus on YOUR DD, not on the BF. He is only your concern when and if your dd is with him. Otherwise, you really only have input on dd and how she is spending her time.
You don't mention ages, but I'm assuming the BF is nearing 18 or already 18 since he will be heading to college come fall. Since he doesn't have to work (his parent giving him a car, etc) he probably would rather not except for some pocket change. Some kids just simply do not have the motivators to get a decent job and save a lot of cash before starting college and IMO, that's too bad, but the way it is with some kids. Again, there is nothing you can do about him. Keep your focus on dd.
Make plans with dd, mother daughter stuff, plan family activities throughout the summer. Exclude bf but also include him at times so dd sees that you are not being mean. The idea is to keep dd close, but also allow her to figure out for herself her bf's true colors. My guess is that he may bow out of family outings, etc. When he starts college in the fall, he will meet other people and even though he will still be close by, his interests may change, his time will be taken up with school related activities and without even having to say a word, your dd and bf will part ways....maybe.
Try to button your lip about your personal feelings about her bf - it won't do anyone any good at this time. Of course, if he's using drugs or drinking, or being abusive in anyway, that cancels everything I said! Then you must step in ASAP.
And as they get older it is harder and harder to find someone who has all the attributes you think are good for a bf/gf and none of the undesirable past experiences. Rose has mentioned many times how many things S had against him and done in the past, but he is who he is now because of those things. He is doing great.
DH and I had this talk, because the boy that K likes, who she met while visiting my friend, has some past "difficutlties" He was very open with K and told her that he has smoked pot in the past and that he used to do a lot of drinking and partying. He also was a real problem in school and was kicked out of the private school he was in. But he has cleaned up his act, when he asked her if she did drugs or drank or smoked etc. she told him no, he told her Great, I wish now that I could say the same. He does smoke cigarettes some, which I don't like, but even if she never sees him again, this has taught me something. I have learned that Mr. Perfect probably isn't out there. Everyone has things in their past that aren't perfect and the older dd gets the more chances are that Mr. Right will have some of those things in his past.
I used to think I wanted my dd's first sexual experience to be with someone who she was committed to and who was also having thier first experience. I still want that committment there, but how many guys are there out there who get out of their teens never having sex. I guess I have relaxed my ideas about what and who would be good for dd or ds for that matter, although he isn't dating yet. This guy helped me see that, because I really like him a lot, he is a great kid who has had some difficulties in his life.
I just thought I would throw that out there for what it's worth. I know it doesn't help you like this kid, but maybe it will with the next guy.
Kristie
I think it's natural to have this unconscious picture of who we want our kids to end up with. Often, the person they choose doesn't fit the mold.
And, considering how high we have set the bar, who can be surprised?
What did DHs parents think of me? DH dated two gals who came from very wealthy families-I can remember FIL often asking DH if he ever heard from one of them(yes, VERY annoying)Now that I have teens, I look back at some of those little things and realize I wasnt their first choice either ;)
Yet here we are-we celebrated our 25th anniversary yesterday. DHs sister is divorced and estranged from her children. DHs brother has passed but went through 2 divorces and gave his dd for adoption to one of the stepdads
Our kids are the only grandkids MIL gets to see!
It's natural to have the feelings you are having but I think the next step is to realize how judgemental they are and continue to look for the positive
DS1's live in GF is overweight while he is as thin as a rail. Yep, this bothered me! I can play the "I want her to be healthy so she can live a long life and make my son happy" card all day but the fact is I 'pictured' him with someone more traditionally beautiful
I look for the positive-how she feels about my son, how eager she is to learn the things he enjoys(shes learning golf), how loving she is with their dog and how she loves children, how hard she is trying to eat healthy(as am I-ironically, Im overweight too)
I'm 99% there and you can get there too! This young man cares about your dd; he is working now that hes out of HS(malls are notorious for only giving a few hours here and there), his parents didnt hand him a new car after the first accident and are obviously not handing him money either, it appears he is not cheating on her, manipulating her, or is any way hurting her. He is coming from a difficult home life with a great GPA and college plans; they have a strong cluster of friends
There is a lot to see on the positive-its up to you to change your mind set and see it
I am hoping (and yes praying) that she realizes what's going on before she does something with him that she will regret later (if she hasn't already)
Having said all that, I do realize and have openly admited that she'll probably never find anyone that I believe deserves her so she needs to make up her own mind and just believe that if she's happy I'll be happy (eventually, lol) too.
Kristie, I think you've touched on something very important about OUR expectations of who our sons and daughters date. They will amost never live up to our perceptions of who is right for our kid at any give moment and that's a fact. Part of the reason we have the idea of how we want it to be for THEM is because we've BTDT and we know what we DON'T want!!
The other thing is that we have to keep a perspective about is relation to their ages. At 14...15...16...17...and even 18 or 20, most of our kids haven't met the person they will spend the rest of their lives with. Does it make us worry any less about the lessons they take from those early experiences? No, not really (and we should always be noticing at the very least). But it does help ease the strain of finding more than one thing to like about their date. For instance, the OP said the kid had a high GPA and he seemed 'sweet', and dd liked him a lot. I would hang to those attributes for dear life because those may the only things he's got going for him for a few years until well after he's out of college!!
DD19's HS sweetheart (he is an EX now) was a nice kid from a nice family, very physically active and funny, worked every day and was responsible for his bills (he wasn't very intellectually bright, however). Sounds almost perfect doesn't it? Well, he turned out to get arrested for possession of coke and cheated on dd. So much for being hopeful!
These kids are young, too young for us know-it-all BTDT parents to put them under the microscope for such an up close look, IMO.
I honestly don't think anyone will ever be good enough for my kids. I am not going to be mean about it and I know that as long as they are happy, but we just want the best for our kids.
Personally, I cant comment on the not working aspect because I don't allow my children to work during the school year. In return though, I excpet excellent grades and high participation in community service and extra curriculars. They are allowed to get a summer job if they choose or take summer school.
I have definately had the "I am trying to like them" feeling. Its a little hard because my family has such a high standard when it comes to academics and education. Like right now the boy that Brooklyn(15) is interested in lacks motivation. He is smart he just doesn't do the work and wont take AP classes. He has a job, but it seems like he cares more about his job that pays minimum wage than his education.
I try to keep my mouth shut unless there is something that needs to be addressed such as drugs or alcohol.
Kate
I haven't had to deal w/ the BF experience yet.
My DD graduated in the top of her class and is going to college in the fall and she is driving me crazy because she isn't working this summer and is just hanging around w/ her friends. She did work from the time she was 16 until this spring when the store she worked at closed. I assumed she would get a job in the summer, but she has a list of excuses why she couldn't (none of which are really valid, cause if she wanted to, she could have gotten a job). She has only done occasional babysitting. I'm not giving her any money except for buying her some things that she needs for her dorm, and even then, she bought the majority of the stuff. She did get a lot of money for graduation presents, so she has been living off that and savings. So I guess she could be considered kind of lazy now, but like this boy, anyone who does really well in school and gets a scholarship to college can't be that lazy.
I have a friend who is a high school teacher. When I made a comment about my DD having to be w/ her friends all the time, she said that when they are going off to college, they have this feeling of this being the last time they are going to see some of their friends. Maybe that's why they have to "hang out" so much, I don't know. As far as him not paying for her, I don't see any reason why boys have to pay all the time. Isn't that outdated, sexist behavior? Of course, it's nice sometimes. But the standards are different now, I think. Girls call boys, they invite them on dates, etc. As long as he doesn't expect her to treat him all the time, then he would be taking advantage.
I completely know where you are coming from. My daughter, Jade(15), continues to "hang out" with her ex boyfriend and she can do SO much better. I think that there is more going on but she denies it. He is 3 years older than her but goes to a local college. He works, but after he got into a car accident, which wasn't his fault but Jade was in the car and got seriously injured, his parents bought him a new one. To top things off, he broke up with her only weeks after the accident when she needed him the most.
There is another boy who I like and is closer to her age, but after dating a little will only be his friend. He has had to work for everything he has, treats Jade great, was there for her through all her surgeries and recovery, has 2 varsity letters, is president, and maintains over a 4.0 gpa. He is basically Mr.Perfect, but she continues to chase after Mr.Wrong.
I don't know. I try not to meddle too much, and I know that I need to allow her to make her own mistakes, but I just don't want her missing out on something that could be really good for her.
Natalie
Is he really lazy? I would not expect nor want my kids to work during the school year. During the weekends, they have homework to do, exams to study for, projects to work on, labs to finish.... Both my kids spent a good portion of Sunday,every Sunday, working. Perhaps your school system has lower expectations but here most kids who excel do the same. Saturday, they would help out at home and take it easy. Everyone deserves a day off a week, even kids in school. So, honestly, I would never consider a kid lazy if he/she did not work AT ALL during the school year.
You said he has a summer job. That's good. Many kids,especially high school seniors, find it very difficult to find ANY JOB. And most are only getting part-time work, at best. That doesn't mean they are lazy. That's just the economy and the nature of low-wage,unskilled jobs. As a high school senior, that's all these kids can get.
And why are you judging him on his parents? It is not his fault that his mother drinks. Are you jumping to the conclusion that there is something so wrong with the boy that his own father doesn't want him? That's rather well... jumping to conclusions. The young man can not help who his parents are.
What is the matter with what the kids do together? That's what most kids do..they hang out together, occasionally catch a movie,watch movies... What do you want them to do? So his parents gave him a car. Gee, half the parents who post here buy their kids cars! The point is they did not replace the car after the accident. That tells me a great deal. Do you not like him because he doesn't have a car (very strange reason) or because he had an accident?
Ask yourself honestly. Would you like any boy who is having sex with your daughter?
Remember, your daughter picked him. You might not like him but she does.
So, be pleasant. By all means, you can set rules about not going to his house. But other than that, don't say anything negative about him.
This is an interesting thread. I always thought this was more of a "dad" thing.
Looks like this is not the case.
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That... in a nutshell.. says it all...
My DD is dating a wonderful boy (8 months) who works as a lifeguard and makes very little money. Both will be seniors this fall. He is a good student. No drinking, drugs or smoking. Plans on going to Iowa State to become an architect. He is sweet and caring and treats her respectfully. They both just turned 17.
With DD and peers he is popular and social. With me he is quite awkward and shy. Won't look me in the eye and has no idea what to say to me.
So which side of him should I look at? I think he's adorable. A year ago I wouldn't believe I would ever say such a thing. They're just kids, not life partners.
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