I want to like him.....
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| Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:56am |
But unfortunely, dd's bf rubs me the wrong way. He really is a "sweet" kid, but just not the guy I envisioned would be my daughter's first love - and someone she would loose her virginity to. Oh well...water over the bridge. I just need to vent a little and maybe there are others here who can relate?
Now that my dd is involved with her bf for 6 months - I am getting to know just how lazy of a kid he is. He graduated this year with a 3.6 gpa - which earned him a small scholarship and he is off to college in the fall (Locally - so he will still be around!). His scholastic achievement is great....but he hasn't been working at all through high school - crashed the car the parents had GAVE him (he didn't pay for it or the insurance) so doesn't have transportation and as far as I can see - has no other interests other than "hanging out with friends" and of course, my dd. So...what do they do when they are together? He has no cash flow to take her out so she is paying her own way most of the time (he does on occasion - but - rarely - because he has to the money from his parents) to movies, dinner, six-flags, whatever. So - they basically hang out at each other's houses (when parents are home) and with friends at their houses - watching movies, playing video games and every once in a while - they play soccer, run or do some other physical activity.
I asked him directly about why he wasnt working and he said he really needed to focus on school and that is why he didn't work during high school. Okay - I get that - but what about weekends, holidays and the summer? Finally, he went out and got a summer job at the mall - but doesn't work a steady week....only off and on - here and there.
Putting the laziness issue aside....he has a way about him that just bugs me. I can only say that it is an intuitive feeling I have - like something is not quite right. His mother is an alcoholic and his parents are divorced - (he lives with the mother). I met his dad - who seems like a really nice guy, but it makes me wonder why his father would not fight to have his sons live with him rather than a mother who smokes like a chimney and drinks from the time she gets home from work until she passes out. I sincerely doubt that she keeps an eye on dd and bf when they are at her house - so I have told the mom that unless she is able to make sure they stay on the main floor (not in his basement bedroom) my dd cannot go over. I now know they are sexually active (probably happened over there)...found out a couple weeks ago and have dealt with that issue. I don't condone it, and know I can't prevent it - but will not provide the opportunity for them to carry on like a married couple at each others homes in each other's bedrooms.
I probably shouldn't have...but I did tell my dd that I am not crazy about her bf. I did add that if she is happy with him....that is what matters. She grilled me about why I don't care for him - and I was honest. She is hurt....but I just can't force it. I try....but the kid gets under my skin!
Thanks for listening....can anyone relate?

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Thanks for your all of your replies and insights....
iteadrinker....please know that I have been and will continue to be "pleasant" to the boy who has my daughter's heart.
I may not be thrilled with him -- but I don't dislike him because he is having sex with my daughter. I won't deny that that may play a part - but if you reread my post - that is not where I am coming from.
I disagree that kids can't work during high school and keep up with their homework and maintain high standards (part time and within reason, of course). And yes, I live a district that has VERY high standards for scholastic achievement.
I worked part time during high school and was on the honor roll -- lots of people do it, It helps prepare for the next big step in life - being responsible for yourself. Handing kids money or "things" when they ask, doesn't do them any good, IMO.
Also - I think working during the summer keeps them on track for the school year and gets them interacting with people other than their same old group of friends (depending on the job, of course) and even the menial, minimum wage jobs give them spending money, a sense of accomplishment and independence. My dd's bf IS lazy (and a lot of teens are - it is probably more the norm than not) -- he stays up all night and sleeps until 1:00 in the afternoon or later most days. Now that he has the part time job -- he is hopefully turning that around. I should reiterate (and I am not taking credit) that he only went out to look for a job when I mentioned to him that my dd was going to work for the summer and asked him what his plans were. (In this case I guess I could blame his parents for not motivating him a little more over the years -- but I am certainly not judging him based on his parents behavior). However, I am sure you will agree that we are the sum total of our life experiences and I think there are skeletons in his family closet that no doubt have deeply affected him. He is the child of an alcoholic and a broken home (so was I by the way! so I do have empathy)....and some of his behavior and lack of motivation could come from that.
I don't agree that only "hanging out" one on one all the time (with only the occasion "date") is acceptable for teens who are in a relationship.....and I think you know where I am going on this, so I won't elaborate.
As for the car situation.....I understand many parents give their kids cars - but most times it comes with certain conditions - such as: the kid should have a job which will pay for some of the insurance and/or gas.
All that aside -- I cannot isolate exactly what it is that sets me on edge with this kid. It may just be one of those unexplanable things.... you either click with someone or you don't.
An yes, my dd did pick him....and I have to respect that...not love it.
Thanks again for everyone's thoughts.....
When I was 18 and brought home my first serious boyfriend (we eventually married) my parents didn't like him either. They thought he was lazy and lacked ambition and wasn't intelligent enough, rich enough, ambitious enough to be with me. I was an honour roll student on my way to university -- he barely graduated high school and went on to work in trades/labour.
But he had alot of good qualities and he was very handsome and he was very committed and loyal to me. And he put up with ALOT. In fact he put up with my parents' disapproval for YEARS. I think even now, 20 years later, my parents don't think I made the right or best decision for myself.
We had alot of issues in our marriage over the year -- financial losses, legal issues, issues with friends, and yes, even a point where he wasn't faithful to me. And I rarely shared the full extent of those issues with my family because I know I would have heard the old "I told you so" and I was beating myself up enough that I didn't want to hear it from them too.
But you know I figure, now as I did then, that there are no guarantees of happiness and success no matter what route we choose. Even the most successful, intelligent men and women make mistakes in their lives. The cover doesn't always tell you where the book is headed if you know what I mean.
So you don't HAVE to like this kid. You aren't going to have to spend your time with him -- she is. And she might not even keep him around very long.
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