If I was your teen what would you do?

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Registered: 04-05-2006
If I was your teen what would you do?
19
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 2:30am

I know this is probably not a good place to post but I need to know what is going through my parents minds right now.
I am 19 (in fact in a month I wont be a teen anymore :/) and I just withdrew from uni on advice from my tutor due to faliure to keep up with the work. At uni they made me see a counsler who decided she thought I was crazy. I am not, its just that people at uni haven't known me all my life so all the weirdness that is me is not normal to them but its not an illness its just me. My mum has jumped on the crazy bandwagon though claiming i have anything from schizoaffective disorder, to "compulsive head banging" to social phobia to bipolar disorder ad nauseum. But basically her main complaints seem to be that she thinks im not higenic enough with my clothes and self (well while at uni i apparantly wasnt, even though i suggest my continuing livingness proves that one wrong, people are way too f-edup about washing these days imho i mean the more you wash the weaker your immune system gets, thatw wehy so many allergies these days) and she thinks I have been dilusional (I have no idea what she means by this though, she just said to me one day "you have lots of dillusions") and she thinks I have mood swings (I think since lately I have actually had very stable and stoical moods but whatever) she thinks i dont have enough of a social life and finally she thinks I'm too dependant on her and dad and wants me out of the house.

At first I felt really guilty for staying here with my parents but then my dad explained she is not worried about me she just wants to live vicariously through me so now I feel less guilty.

My parents are planning to have a "talk" with me soon about "the future" and what I intend to do with myself for a) the rest of the year b) next year (when a new uni year starts) and c) for my life. I don't know how to explain that, even though I am not insane I am having some really intense mystical\spiritual\existential issues that as a result I can't focus on anything else. I mean, I watched the world evolve from nothing in front of my eyes, I have spoken with Nietszche, I have merged with everything and perceived every point in time all at once, and despite all that I am still basically confused and small and nihilistic. Its all really confusing, I have to work through this before I can get on with all that stuff. I cant focus on the mundane details of life because I can percive so mch more right now and I can't get that across without sounding crazy.

And I don't mind doing work *REALLY* good physical work would do me the world of good right now I know that, but I can't get my head round the planning process. Thats the problem, I just need to be told what to do and left to the words buzzing in my head while I do it. I can't work out how to make time work in the way it should and ideas follow in sequence. But instead of just giving me something to do they want me to do exactly what I cant and plan and care about the future when I am all things at once. How can I do that?
People I think overestimate my capabilities because I'm so eloquent.

What can I say to make them understand?
I'm posting this here because as parent you must know.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 6:04pm

Wow thats a lot of replies to take in.
Um, the reason I want to do physical work is I just want someone to say "do this, do that" and get around the "what do I do" thing. I'm not good at working out how to take some vauge concept like "do the filing" into the steps that actually make up ...filing. Although I actually like filing... its comforting and repetitive.

I actually wondered if I had aspergers last year but I am too old to be tested for it. Anyway, I now know there is nothing wrong with me. And in a lot of ways I don't fit the aspergers profile because I'm very metaphorical and I use analogies extensivly because I've had so many odd experiences that are really hard to explain through language.

I don't want to see a doctor anyway because its a waste of their time and its tiring and there is nothing they can do that wouldn't be damaging to me. I'm tired of everyone pathologisising everything.

My counsler at uni aparantly wrote to my GP in the town of my parents where I am now, but so far I didnt hear anything with any luck the doctors here regocnise the futility of trying to do anything.

oh and my name was just a word that I got into the other day because i was thinking about gnosis and conversly the "divine dark" of some of the mystics in the late middle ages and I was trying to conceive of the meaning of anti-gnosis. I also thought about "meaning" and "form" and the lack of either abundant and whether to gnositicly know that meaning is illusion is really "gnosis" or some sort of profound agnosis.




Edited 4/5/2006 6:07 pm ET by antignosis
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 9:24am

antignosis, I can't help but think that you're one of those kids who are slightly left of center, very much like my own 16dd, and that people just don't "get you". It's like they are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and it is simply not going to work. Just because you don't fit in with the status quo, everyone thinks there is something wrong with you. Is that how you feel? That's how my dd explained things to me on several occasions.

As a matter of fact, this week she is in the process of having an evaulation through her school. They wanted to do a psychological evaluation, but I refused. I'd rather have that done privately, as I feel that the school staff (this is an extremely small town and everyone knows everything about everyone) will only have more feed for fodder - gossips! Besides that aspect, much of the staff already have preconceived notions about who my dd is and what she's all about; who we are as a family and what we've done so terribly wrong to make this 'different' kid.

I tell you this because it sounds like you've become very distrustful of the medical community as a whole and that is worrisome to me. Once you find the right DR or counselor to discuss your ideas and concerns and troubles with, amazing things can happen. Once you have at least ONE person in your corner, encouraging you to perhaps make a complete life change or to simply hold fast and true to who you are - whichever - you feel better about yourself. I think it's worthwhile for you to find a DR separate from your parents' and find out for yourself what's going on. It may be nothing, it may be something that can be helped - you just never know.

Personally, based on your posts and what you've told us, I don't see the Aspergers - my closest and dearest friend has a dd with Aspergers and also a neighbor of mine has a dd with aspergers, both with varying symptoms and degree of symptoms (the first is not so extreme: The child (7 y/o) has little social awareness but is getting the help she needs there and she still needs help with many things related to personal care and she is extremely intelligent. The second is extreme: She needs constant assistance and care; she is 14 now and her mother looks spent from caring for her; she is also very bright. I just don't see those extremes in you, either way. Your writing is concise but it's not highly intellectual, you sound confused about who you are and where you want to be - something many people your age experience, and you don't seem to have trouble in the social aspect of comminications, do you?

If cleanliness if the defining manifestation of your having aspergers, that's just crazy talk, IMHO. If anything, I would say that you have some kind of attention deficit disorder. The fact that you don't want to have to think about what to do and would rather just be told "do this" tells me that it's overwhelming for you to think about the mechanics of how to organize and complete a task - that's very ADD behavior. I think it would be worthwhile for you to get THAT checked out.

Did you read my first post directed to you? Have you ever considered any of those types of things, like joining Habitat for Humanity, etc?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 6:13pm

You are never too old to receive a diagnosis, even on the Autism Spectrum. If that is indeed what you have. The diagnosis would only be harmful if you allowed it to be. I say that only because I was 30+ before I received my diagnosis of ADD. It actually put my mind at ease. I was able to see that I was not shiftless, I wasn't a waste of space. My lack of follow through was not because of a failing in me........ but a different way of processing. One that was never taught in school or by my parents. No one gave me the tools I needed to function successfully. But now that I understand my difference, I hate the word disability (it implies inability), I am able to develop tools to function more effeectively with it. I do not share my diagnosis with everyone.

As for having an old soul, my son has one of those. He has PDD-NOS. I actually wonder if ASD isn't a step above the rest of us on the evolutionary chain. Those social climbing grasping things just don't matter to them. Looking into my son's eyes i see such warmth and knowledge, he may not be able to verbalize it. But you feel it just radiating out of him.

I am glad you recognize what you need to function in a work setting. I am guessing you take direction well and do not get your back up when ordered around. You may want to look at the apprenticeship programs with different labor unions. I know that where I live there is a shortage of young people going into those fields. But I also know that the benefits of those fields are hard to beat. My DH works in the paving industry and those people start out making better money than me. A lot of that work is repetative and physical.

As for what would I do if you were my child. I have one rule in my house everyone works. If you are in school that is your job. If you are no longer in school you must have a job. Now the suggestion of full time volunteering is not a bad one until you find gainful employment. I have family members who in their 40's or 50's still have never had real employment. I do not want that future for my children, and I doubt you parents do either.

If I were your mom I would be impressed by a timeline with biweekly goals. Soemthing you put together. Then you need to follow through. Right now from the sounds of it your parents are scared for you. You did not follow through in school, for whatever reason. Your mom was told by a "professional" that there was something "wrong" with you. And that something could keep you from ever being able to stand on your own two feet. So she is going to need some help from you in the faith dept. Mom's are not perfect and we can get rattled too.

But it really does sound like you have a head on your shoulders. But you need to remember to step forward into this time and this reality and not always fall back on the past. Learn from your past so you can reach the next level in this life, otherwise you will regress instead of progress.

Normal is just a setting on my washing machine, not a personality trait.
theresa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 9:01pm

i dunno if im good at social stuff. im ok with my parents. i have a best freind i've known since I was 8 and we get on. I had another freind but after she went on antidepressants I couldnt stand her anymore because nothing she says makes anysense anymore. I had some other freinds but i feel too scared around them so i never really see them.

i was thinking about what upsets me most and realise its the sense that even though i feel totally alone an alienated i feel like everyone knows everything about me and everything i think and that its really embarresing to have people know all your thoughts even if they are fairly normal. Its like, a total lack of privicy without any intimacy at all.

But anyway. I digress. I dunno. I'm happy to work it would be a nice distraction if nothing else but i want it to be something that doesnt freak me out and something i can stick with which is why i thought something physical. I did vouluntry work a few years ago though in a shop and it was so horrible because i was so exposed and all these people and i felt perpetually guilty and self indulgent and incompetant and i felt more like the shop lady working with me was looking after me than like I was doing work.

but i just dont care about doing stuff a lot of the time, when ideas descend upon you and feel like *this* idea will lead to total enlightenment, how do you shrug it off and go to bed ready for the next day or shrug it off and go do something compltly unrelated to the idea for 6 hours, i dont get how everyone else does it. When ideas come into me it feels like they are inspired and I have no choice but to manifest them in some way.

and how do i think about next week or whatever to make goals, when i dont know what is going to happen, tomorrow i could suddenly realise i have to go somewhere or realise i need to do something and then any plans i make will seem trivial and stupid in relation to the burning need to discover the underlying nature of everything and follow up on the clues. I have this driving need to discover everything and it always feels like im on the apex of some amazing revalation which makes everything else in my life redundant.

another hard thing is that i am basically nocturnal and most work is in the daytime and i find it really hard to manage that - at night, even if i have forced myself to stay awake all day and do things (in a sleepy robotic fashion) I am wide awake and alert and cant sleep.

Another thing is I zone out a lot and I dunno how not to so i just find i spent half an hour staring at something and i didnt even realise it (or i did sometimes, i like to watch the walls distort and stuff).

I know it sounds like I am making excuses. I am used to that. Thats why I want to run away to the usa and be alone, I dont mind being homeless or whatever, I ran away once before and it wasnt so bad except the cold and some people tricked me into trusting them and then tried to hurt me (but I got away). If I was by myself I wouldnt need to justify everything to everyone, and its so stressful pretending to care about tommorow, when right now is all that matters. Well I have other reasons too because I am beggining to feel like home is not as safe as I thought it was. And there is so much hostility here. I want to be alone forever and not have to deal with all these words and excuses and have to explain myself. I never got on well with humans they scare me and I feel like a malevolent force is making everything tinged with malice. And just escape.

Avatar for deenow17
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Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 10:24pm

Antignosis, in some ways my DS (23) is similar to you but in other ways he is very different. He quit school at 17 and spent the next 2 yrs living at home being very much on his own even though there were 4 other living with him. Like you, he didn't sleep at night and so he found a job stocking shelves in a grocery store. He worked 11 pm to 7am. He also wrote & wrote. He captured his thoughts, ideas & feelings in his journal, through poems, stories and plays. At 19, he joined a student volunteer program where a group of 11 teens & 1 adult lived together and did volunteer work in the community. The had 3 - 3 mth sessions in different Cdn provinces. He experienced life that was very different from his own as the people he helped were very poor. All of these experiences helped to ground him, they helped him to at 20 find a path for his life that he felt comfortable with. It wasn't the path I would have chosen for my child and I had to learn to accept that my dreams weren't his. DS is finishing his 3rd year of college in 2 wks. He will be a child/youth worker. This is something he worked through in his thoughts as the right path for him. He still disappears on his own 3 or 4 times a year to focus on his thoughts, his feelings and to listen to himself. He writes endlessly during these times. My DS is like many of the others mentioned here was first called an old soul at his birth. He has always been aware of another world existing parallel to ours. He has spent much time reading & studying about life & other lives. He believes he is psychic. He has always been extremely sensitve to others & their emotions which is why sometimes he has to run away for a few days to be by himself. I love my DS and try to support him but it isn't always easy. My believes are so different - God, Jesus, heaven form my believes but he never felt comfortable with these things.

Parents worry about their children and want to solve all their problems. This is very natural but sometimes we imagine the worst because we are so afraid that something terrible will happen to our children. Also, our generation was raised that doctors were Gods and knew everything. I'm sure your parents love you & their actions are because they don't know how to handle you. Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 10:02am

Look for night shifts at factories or hospitals. My 'nocturnal' son worked the night shift at a factory and now has moved into more daytime hours of late afternoon and evening at a restaurant

He is not and has never been able to function in the AM. My brother is the same and has his own computer programming business in his home; he never rolls out of bed before noon and never has worked full time in his life. He lives in the middle of 100 acres of woods-my parents thought he and his wife were insane when they chose this lifestyle but they have made it work. Home business, home schooled 2 kids-they go to towm for supplies once every two weeks. Brother doesnt want to be around people either

If material things arent important to you, you can find a compromise. We can live on very little but perhaps not as little as you think at this point.

You are going to have to give a little and that doesnt mean giving in totally.

Part time work would leave you plenty of time for those things you truly want to do and still pay the bills

It was hard for me to give up my dreams of what I thought my oldest(now 21)would be-moms are like that-we have visions from the first time we hold you guys in our arms

But ultimately I have accepted my son for what he has chosen and realized that what every parent REALLY wants is for their child to be happy...but it took me a few years to get there(as it did with my parents accepting my brothers choices)

Give your parents time. They will come around but there will be discomfort getting there-for all of you. Its just something you have to get through

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 10:09am

don't you need specific qualifications to work in hospitals, or at least some prior work experience?
I dunno if we even have any factories round here.
I wish people would force me to do stuff.

Negativity is kinda overwhelming me today I wont type much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 12:10pm

I find myself wanting to call you honey, darling or kiddo. I am finding myself slipping into nurture mode so if it slips out do not take offense. I have been known to talk that way to people older than me. It has nothing to do with looking down on you.......more like an overwhelming desire to help you reach the stars. Sorry prone to babble.

Reading this post I sense some very real paranoia. That is something you are really going to want to come to terms with and develop tools to deal with it. Does this mean that you are wrong or there is something wrong with you? No! You are hypersensitive to the judging that happens every moment of every day within our society. But it is getting in your way. You are unable to function because of it. You need some tools or strategies for ignoring it, or learning to really not care what others are thinking. Tall order I know. But for your sake I say address it.

Later on you say you wish someone would force you to do something. Sounds like your parents would like to force you. But you are resistant. And that is a good thing. Only you can guide your life. You will never be happy as long as someone else is making all the choices.

I don't think living on the streets is the right idea. Like you have experienced before there is someone always waiting to take advantage of you. And when you are on the street no one will care. Unless it is an election year. Now I digress.

It sounds like with each post you are getting a clearer picture of what is standing in your way. Those issues that really need to be addressed. Just not how to address them. I can't tell you how to address them either. But I have found that for the most part those answers come from within. Sometimes it helps to step outside of yourself and do something for someone else. By not focusing on you, you are more able to hear that inner voice and let that wisdom from within come out. Like when you can't remember the name of a song and the harder you try the more it slips away. But 2 hours later when you are busy with other stuff it just pops into you head.

Hope at least some of this makes sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 1:22am

>>your lack of hygiene<<


I don't know, I think we need to define "lack of hygeine." I mean, this is college that we're talking about here and I'm the first to admit that there have certainly been times when I have gone 4 or 5 days without a shower... The fact that the OP doesn't do laundry often, given that she's a college student, really doesn't raise any red flags for me. I can't think of a single college student that I know that hasn't been caught several times

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