IM Behavior
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| Thu, 02-08-2007 - 1:21pm |
We allow our DS (13) to use IM. He has to use it on the computer that's in our kitchen and we use the "log" feature, so we can see what he's saying to others and what's being said to him. We have ground rules and part of that is no talk that you wouldn't want Mom or Dad or the friend's Mom or Dad to see.
He isn't aware of it, but I check the logs from time to time. Most of it's pretty tame. However, I noticed one girl in his class tried to talk to him and he refused. She asked why and he replied it was because "I don't like you". In another exchange he said "I hate you".
I don't necessarily want to spill the beans that I monitor the conversations. He's smart enough that he'll figure out how to wipe the logs or turn them off. Any ideas what I should say and how I should go about it?
I am thinking I issue a gentle reminder without being specific. Then continue to check the logs. If it happens too much in the future, then I guess I'll have to do something about it.
Another question on a related subject. Do you check your kids "Facebook" pages? I have been doing this too and trying to be sure that we know everyone who he accepts to be included among his online friends. He met some kids at a cotillion class that several churches put together. So, now I am looking at a bunch of profiles for people I don't know. I'm hoping since they met at church it's ok.

Younger ds used Myspace on occasion and yes, I check it.
I am most definitely going to be on the receiving end of backlash for my opinion, but here goes.
My son has a myspace and a Facebook. I have my own myspace, and I am on his friends list. In fact, most of his friends are my friends. I do as much monitoring as I can, being that he's an adult (he's 18), but I don't have his password anymore, and if I did, I wouldn't use it. He's 18 - he has the right to privacy. Being as I have access to his friends on myspace and see all his comments, I can be reasonably sure he's not doing anything inappropriate. And if I do see something, I will ask him (since it's public, he can't accuse me of spying).
He also has a facebook - but I don't. I could, working for a college, but I don't see the point. If there were something he wanted to hide that desperately from me that he would put it on facebook and not myspace, he'd just create a secret myspace. Plus, he knows I work for a college and have work study students that are on facebook - I can check his page anytime.
My younger son also has a myspace. I have insisted it remain private until he turns 18 (and beyond if necessary). I also know his friends (and I know he doesn't accept friends of friends unless he KNOWS them). Whether he has a myspace I don't know about, or a facebook, I don't know. Again, there's only so much monitoring I can do.
Does that mean I don't care and don't watch? No - but the truth is, our kids could create a fake email address, a secret myspace, and say and do whatever they want - at the library - or at a friend's house who doesn't have a "log." So I watch what I can and don't drive myself nuts about it.
The one thing I will say that will probably get me the most flak. I don't think you should even MENTION to your son that you checked the logs of his IM OR that you felt the comment was inappropriate. If I had a nickel for every time my son told one of his friends "I hate you" or vice versa, I'd be retired and living on an island. Our kids talk to each other in MUCH different ways than we expect or accept. If he says "I hate you" to someone in your presence, by all means, correct him. But in all honesty, checking logs and "spying" on kids (and yes, we all do it, but that IS what it is) is fine to protect them, but showing your hand and spilling the beans should be saved for the situation where you think your child actually is engaging in something harmful - cybersex, drugs, sexual activity, bullying (either the bully or the recipient), etc. - not for typical 13 year old conversation - because once you've shown your cards, you're done...you're right - he can just erase the logs. I'd just let this one go.
I happen to agree w/ you. My DD is almost 18 and I have never checked her IMs, myspace or facebook, which she uses now instead of myspace (and I didn't even know you had to be part of the network to check). If she happens to leave it up when she goes out, I would look at the page. My DS is only 11 so he hasn't gotten into facebook or myspace yet. He does IM but I wouldn't read what he says. He's much less secretive anyway and I know he's just talking to the kids at school. When my DD first started IMing, I knew which screen names belonged to which kids but now she probably has 200 kids on there, so there's no way I would even know (there are over 400 kids in her class).
The only reason I would check is if I were really worried about one of the kids doing something wrong, like using drugs, or something very serious. Otherwise, to me, it's like listening in when they are on the phone or reading their diary. I have read on here a couple of times that mothers have read their DD's diary, found info that was upsetting and then didn't know what to do about it because they would have to confess. I suppose it's diff. when you have said upfront that you are able to monitor the computer.
But kids are just not that sensitive sometimes. My DS will comment on one girl in his class that he "hates" and he told me some story about how she fell down on ice at recess and he laughed. I told him I thought this was horrible and I couldn't even believe it because he is generally a nice kid who gets praise from all teachers and friend's mothers about how nice he is. Maybe your DS told this girl he didn't like her because she likes him in a romantic way and he doesn't want to encourage her and didn't know what else to say.
I don't think so!
My DS17 has never been into inet usage of any kind in a big way. He occasionally IMs and does not have a myspace acct. The best way to ensure that inappropriate language and postings are not made is to tell your kids that their schools monitor that stuff. And some parents have spyware and will report any findings of wrongdoing to the school.
After he was suspended for admitting to drinking a bit, offsite, before a school football game, I suggested to DS17 that such monitoring and reporting might have been the source of the administrators' info. (They weren't caught drinking, but were interrogated in school 4 days later.) Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't the source; but it was enough to make him and his friends, who I assume he alerted, aware of the fact that anything they key in that ends up on the inet can be used against them. And it can prevent kids from getting into colleges and later, from getting jobs. It's better they are warned early, and avoid the terrors of the ridiculous zero-tolerance policies in our schools. (I'm never giving up on my anti-zero-tolerance crusade. I just keep seeing more and more instances where it unjustly punishes our children--even LD 2nd and 3rd graders. It is immoral!)
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If you are using "AIM" (AOL instant messenger) there should be a dropdown menu at the bottom that reads "Actions". One of the menu choices is "Show Logs". The logs are stored on your PC (as far as I know). The only glitch I haven't figured out is that it looks like one the kids he talks to has figured out how to hide her half of the messages somehow (everything appears blank next to her IM name).
Since I've still got a young teen in the house, I'm a little more concerned about predators than I would be if it were an older teen. Though who knows any more!!
I'm off to pick up DS from his first boy/girl dance. I'm sure I won't hear any of the details but hopefully he has fun!
You have a two part question so here is my two part reply:
1. "I hate you" and "I don't like you" are pretty common things to hear at 13. Kids that age have little or no tact. But also the kids on the receiving end aren't as sensitive as you think. Don't pay too much attention to this stuff. BTW if you know the kids he is talking to, you shouldn't need to scan his conversations. All I ever do is look at the names of people in the logs. Only if I don't recognize the name will I scan the text to ensure it isn't a predator or hacker of some sort. But my kids are quite net-savvy and I find they don't get this type of thing happening to them.
2. As for the facebook, yes, I know my dd's facebook password. And I know all the kids who she adds or have added her. She has a fair size circle of friends and I find she doesn't randomly add people ie they are all people she knows. I also find that kids add each other quite easily but don't talk that much. My dd has a group of maybe 10 kids she regularly posts with and the rest are just, there, on her list.
Your son is young so I understand your need to protect him. But the best protection is knowledge and information. Ensure he knows to limit his cyber-space relationships to only people he hangs out with on a regular basis and doesn't let his info get out of control and in the hands of people he barely knows.
At 13, I would most definitely check up on these things. I don't know that I would allow a Facebook or Myspace at 13. It didn't exist when DD was 13 so I didn't have to face that issue. But I did when she lived at home. She's 18 and at college now so I have to give her that freedom.
I would have a general conversation with son regarding how saying certain things whether in person or on the phone or computer can still be hurtful and to always be mindful of others feelings. Talk with friends about this general problem and then say you know I was talking with Suzy the other day and we discussed how easy it is to say hurtful things on the computer b/c you don't have to see the other person's face but it still hurts.
Good Luck!