I'm the Evil Step-mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
I'm the Evil Step-mom
3
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 10:48pm

...and I don't want to be! When my step-daughter was little it was easier. My husband raised his DD and we've been together since she was 8. She's now 15 and I feel like I'm the only one who tells her things (basic survival skills). But every time I say something I get this "raised eyebrow" shoulder shrug thing which is getting a little irritating.

But this isn't why I came here. I need help!

When I walked into the house last week, I could smell cigarette smoke. Since her and her older brother(22) had just left the house I called him and told him I could smell cigarette smoke. I couldn't get a word in edgewise! He got upset, which surprised me because we get along really well and he confides in me. I don't care if he does smoke I just don't want it around my house, and it has turned into a big deal! What I had hoped I conveyed to him was that if you smoke don't bring it into the house and if anyone else is smoking don't do it here even if it is outside.

Anyway, what he told his dad was that I "accused" him of smoking. I assured my husband that I did not and explained what happened. I thought everything was ok after that because his son was over a couple of days after that and he was fine.

Well, my daughter who is 27 and living in a different state called and said that my step daughter had written in her My Space blog about the whole incident and wrote some very unkind things about me, compared me to an ex-friends parents who she hates, and that I had accused Her of smoking. I didn't even talk to her about that day. I had only talked to her brother.

Long story short, my husband told her that when she gets home (she is off at ASB camp and won't be back til Thursday)that she is to sign on to her My Space page and show him what she wrote. That was yesterday. She is way up in the mountains, supposedly can not use her cell phone, nor is she suppose to have access to a computer. But now what she wrote in her blog has been moved to "Privileged" friends and my daughter cannot see it anymore.

My step daughter is a 4.0 honors student and to her dad she can do no wrong. It is bad enough that she wrote hurtful things about me. Thats one thing. Writing about someone else's parents could have gotten ugly. Moving a blog like that or even possibly deleting it before Dad could see it is deceitful.

Am I wrong to think that she needs to be accountable for her words and her actions? Should I have not mentioned that I smelled smoke? At first I was only thinking of taking away her computer privileges for a couple of weeks. But because she moved or possibly deleted her rant against me, I'm thinking her computer privileges are over for the summer (well, there is only 3 weeks left)and being grounded.

Sorry that this was so long. I hope I can help out on this board and lend support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:09am

MySpace blogs seem to be todays equivilant of passing notes in school or writing in a diary, and if you read your kid's blog (or have someone else read it) you have to prepare yourself for what you might see there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 8:31am

OK, you leave a friends house and you are 2 blocks away and your cell rings. Said friend immediately says "the Hummel figure on the hall table is missing". Would you not feel somewhat defensive? IF this was casual conversation, she would have called you tomorrow, KWIM?

I am not trying to criticize you. I think you have every right to forbid smoking in your home and, chances are, if you thought you smelled smoke, one of them WAS smoking(they could have been in a car with a heavy smoker, I suppose but less likely)

I wouldnt bother to argue the mechanics of whether or not you were accusing them. I would stick to not allowing smoking in your home. The rest is semantics!

And I remember hating my mom at 14. I cant even recall if I had a diary but I guarantee that, if I did, it was in there. At some strange level, I suppose you should feel honored you are getting the 'mom stuff' as a step mom :)

I recommend you do your best to let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:02pm

You could become my best friend. lol. I also smelled smoke when I came home today as did my husband. That is the least of my troubles. Let me tell you about my step daughter also 15 who can do no wrong in Daddy's eyes. Three weeks after my marriage MC decides to come live with us. I have raised 20 yr twin girls who gave me no trouble. If they had given me trouble I would have sorted it out very quickly. This kind of chaos is so new to me. My husband is so lenient it is unbelievable.

My step daughter told my 20 yr old that she was having sex with her boyfriend and wanted birth control. My daughter convinced her to tell me. I told her that I would have to tell her father which I did. His attitude is very low key. Since then we have found out that she has had anal intercourse with two different boys. One incident of anal intercourse was in the public restroom of a local ice cream store. I feel she needs inpatient treatment. We are seeing a therapist who agrees to lots of limits. We set limits last Friday and in 6 days my husband is ready to hand all of her privleges back on silver platter. What is with these men and their complete inability to protect their children from themselves? Do they see it as a reflection of their inner failures or are they to lazy and self absorbed to deal with these issues. I think both.

As an aside my stepson never grad from High School because his dad "couldn't make him go to school." What a crock. My stepson is doing okay now due to some very tough love that we had to do when he was in his twenties. Like you I feel too old to be going through this. The lack of support and the denial will probably end my marriage. Do you ever feel that way too?