I'm Going to Sound Really Old & Prudish
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| Mon, 09-04-2006 - 6:09pm |
This is going to sound old and prudish coming from a 42 yo, supposedly enlightened and sophisticated mom but....here it goes.
I honestly DON'T understand these 13, 14 yo kids proclaiming their undying love for each other and then proceeding to promptly "break up" within a week, two weeks, a month.
I've been exposed recently to some of the soap-opera'ish goings on among kids my daughter's age and some of her friends from various groups she belongs to. They meet some kid of the opposite sex, they smile, flirt, maybe hang out at the mall or the movies once or twice. This is called "dealing". During the "dealing" period they are quasi-exclusive just checking each other out. When they figure out they really, really like each other they start to "go out" and then they are "taken" and are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. At this point they claim their love for each other and how they will be "best friends for ever and ever". Once they are exclusive for a longer period of time and probably commence a little more serious making out stuff and long meaningful 3AM convos on their cell phones (during free time of course), they declare themselves "Married". Now pics show up on their myspace with them hugging and kissing and leaving each other heartfelt messages.
All pretty cute eh? But funnily enough, most of these relationships rarely last more than a few weeks. Oh I have seen the few year long relationships but they tend to be older, more mature kids.
I guess the thing that bugs me about it is how cheaply these guys take "love". My goodness I was dating my boyfriend and future husband for months before I had the guts to say I loved him. Actually he said it first and I kind of felt I had to say it...lol. I don't know if I really was in love with him, really, for quite a while after that. Also, what ever happened to just finding a guy or girl cute or attractive and just maybe hanging out and leaving it at that? Why MUST they become your girlfriend/boyfriend? By the time these kids are 16 or 17 they will be sooooo jaded about love how will they ever trust anyone's sincerity again? I mean, how can you believe this guy truly "loves" you when he's been "in love", publicly on his myspace account, with at least one girl a month? Oh and there's always one on the backburner who is a "best friend forever" until they break up with girl 1.... lol.
I don't know it just seems like people are taking this stuff toooooo lightly. The best is a 12 yo girl I know, going on 13, dating a guy a year older. Both look alot older than they are (good nutrition?) but they are just kids really. And all over their spaces are pics of them kissing, hugging, making out. And some in mom's basement. So who took the pics? And doesn't mom see these pics on their spaces? I guess when I was growing up I'd be MORTIFIED to have my parents see me kiss a boyfriend, even in a pic. And my parents would have been just as mortified. It was about having a deeply held respect for them I guess that these things were just private....
I don't know....I guess I am getting old....

You're not old and you're right to be horrified. Like you, maybe I'm a prude (though I don't think so). I think that we live in a time where 'anything goes' and there is no fear of what the parents will think when they post provocative pictures of themselves, especially of them making out with thier BF's. I think it's disgusting. And I think that it's up to the parents to say something. Spell out for them appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior. Even if it falls on deaf ears, say it...somewhere they are listening and at some point, hopefully, it will sink in they will change thier attitudes. I know both of my dd's did.
It's not only the boys that use the words "i love you" so loosely, either. My 16dd has had 4 BF's this past 12 months. She claimed undying love for each and actually even slept with each boy...then when she was dumped she promptly moved on to the next one. It's appalling that she holds herself in such low esteem to use herself and be used by others in such a cavalier manner. My 18dd has several girlfriends who have already slept with up to 10 different guys. What?!?! Even my dd thinks it's disgusting and stopped being friends with some of those girls.
What it screams to me is that our sons and daughters are being raised by well meaning parents, however, out world is a place where very little value is placed on thier physical health, self respect and reaching goals to better themselves. I'm not saying it's a generation of lost souls, but from what I've witnessed, it is nationwide and not getting any better. Every day, ever hour, you can turn on the tv and witness this casual and cavalier attitude towards sleeping around and the goal being to be constantly desirable for the opposite sex - it's almost all that matters anymore.
I know parents who know what's going on but choose to look the other way or chalk it up to "oh they're just being typical teenagers". They are wrong. My dd happened upon my neice's myspace and what she found was horrofying - she called me to see. I called my brother and his wife and told them about it. My sil said she never thought to look at her dd's myspace because she just didn't seem like the kind of girl who would post what she had posted. My brother shut down her site and thought that was the end of it. A week later, my dd did a search and found another site by my neice. She simply waited and open another. It's just insane - the kids will find a way and it's up to the parents to do thier jobs.
Oh brother, sorry so long. Anyway, I agree.
EXACTLY!!!! See, way I see it, if "anything goes" and its all just "playacting" then I think that people aren't treating emotions and love with the respect they deserve.
And the way I've seen it played out, its a relatively small segment of the population that make up the "serial dating" crowd. That's because not everyone is open to relationships and dating at the same time and those that get an early start just keep up the momentum with each other. And this small segment eventually start to be sexually active and there are alot of misconceptions of what constitutes safe sex. Its dangerous ultimately to their physical health but also to their emotional well-being as they get disappointed over and over again.
I read a post by one girl who lives a few houses away, she's 14 and enterring high school. After "dealing" with a few guys she posts that she's "done" with boys because they say they like you and want to be with you and a few days later they say they don't like you anymore. She said she was "lost" and didn't know how to deal with it. Another girl I know posted how some guys just confuse her with their behaviour.
That's the part that is most harmful in my opinion -- these kids may appear to be "playacting" but they are playing with their own and other people's emotions. What are these experiences and scars going to lead to later in life?
Its not that I don't believe in teenage relationships. I just think that having friends and casually being with other people in social situations is a healthier way to learn how to conduct oneself and get along with other people....and throwing around words like "love" and "forever" is dangerous.
I don't know....I guess I am getting old....
Move over and I'll join you on the "getting old" couch. I couldn't agree with you more. In fact I was so thankful when my son came to me and said that he saw how hurt his friends were after a breakup and couldn't imagine having to deal with that emotional roller coaster. Ds takes relationships of all types seriously and never delt with the casual friendships of the early elementary years very well. He couldn't imagine putting your heart out on a limb at this point in time. He said he couldn't handle that on an emotional level.
His best friend is a girl and it took a while for the other kids to back off and not pressure them into a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship. They are very close and you can tell that they really like each other, but neighther of them want to hurt what they have.
stacy
I agree with you.
With a bday coming up in just a few weeks, I'm definitely feeling the 'old' thing today. And as far as prudish? The word seems to be tattooed on my forehead, causing a permanent indentation in my brain. Over the weekend, DD had on a black racer-back bra on over a spaghetti strap tank-top. Before she left the house, I told her she had to either change her bra or change her top.
My DD got a little caught up in the drama of bf/gf's in middle school but she did realize the whole thing was pretty silly -- to be 'going out' with someone you didn't even speak to and maybe, just maybe, held hands with walking from the last class of the day to the parking lot or bus.
I don't get it either! It seems the whole dating scenario has changed so much since my own teenage years -- way back when. Call me confuzzled!