I'm grounded and frustrated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
I'm grounded and frustrated.
9
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 11:17pm


My best friends and I (six of us, including myself - 17 y/o) went to the winter dance at our school. It was from 8:00 - 11:00, and because it ended late, we were going to sleep over at M's house.

We got to M's house at about 11:15. Her parents were awake, and her Mom went to the basement with us to take pictures. Because it was still early, M proposed that we should go to her (guy) neighbor, K's house, because he was having some people over after the dance. He lives two houses away. M's Mom said it was okay for us to go. We left at 11:45, and M's Mom never gave us a time to come home.

When we got there, M knew everyone there but the rest of us weren't really friends with all of them. Some people showed up with beer. N had some. The remaining five of us were offered some and we said no. A little later, we all decided to try some. We had a sip, didn't like it, threw it out. We sat and talked for a while, but decided to go back to walk back to M's house because we really didn't know anyone there. M wanted to stay.

The five of us got back to M's house at about 12:45 (M left the basement doors unlocked so we could get in). We stayed there for a while. At about 1:45 AM, J started to feel sick and wanted to go home. We called M on her cell phone and told her to come home. By the time M came back, J's boyfriend came over and left to bring her home. M was completely drunk. She was sick and throwing up. She smelled really bad. While I was making sure she was alright, we got a call from J's boyfriend saying that J left her purse at the neighbor's house. It was 2:15 by then. B, C, and T went back out to the neighbor's house to get J's purse while I stayed with M to make sure she was okay.

While those three were out and M wasn't doing so well, M's Mom came downstairs. She looked at me and said, "Too much to drink, huh?" I was so embarrased and shocked that I didn't know what to say. She asked me where the other girls were and I told her at K's house to get J's purse (I explained where J went). When the three girls came home, we had a LONG talk/lecture with M's Mom. She asked us if any of us drank. All of us said yes, because we had. She assumed that we all drank as much as her daughter, M, but that is not true. ALL of us EXCEPT M were sober. She gave us the choice to call our parents then (at 3 AM) or wait until morning. I called my parents then.

Of course they were angry and they came to pick me up right away. When my parents came to the door, M's Mom talked to them. She accused us of sneaking out and drinking, also claiming that "some girls looked better than others." She made me sound really bad in front of my parents, as if I had a lot to drink, when in reality I didn't even have half a beer. M's Mom also refuses to believe that we came back to her house for a long time while her daughter was still at K's house drinking.

I'm probably being stubborn, but I don't think it's considered sneaking out if M's Mom was 1) Okay with us being out, and 2) Not giving us a curfew. I also think it's unfair that she refuses to believe that we came back to her house... and that she made us sound as if we had been completely drunk. Anyway, I've been grounded for the past month and none of my friends are in as much trouble as I am.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 11:49pm

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated.

I get the impression from your post that you feel treated unfairly. You are looking at the circumstances and punishment in relative terms. Since you weren't smashed, you should have received a lighter sentence.

Since you've been grounded for a month, I assume this took place several weeks ago. Have you tried discussing this with your parents? Perhaps a different approach may help.
Rather than "you're busting me unfairly for just a half a beer" you may want to sit down with them and acknowledge what you did was wrong. Point out several of your statements in your post. You were curious. You tried it. You didn't like it.
The fact that "someone else" was drunk is of no consequence to the fear your parents are no doubt are experiencing from this incident.

Just a suggestion. My kids know my personal hot button is taking responsibility for your own crap. When my kids downplay their mistakes and make excuses, I have no interest or sympathy and frankly, turn into a dictatorial heavy.
When they come to me and say, "Dad.. I screwed up. Here's what happened....." I turn into a compassionate marshmallow.

Perhaps if you were to articulate exactly what happened and how you feel about drinking, your parents just may do the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 11:29am

I give you credit for calling your mom right away, at 3 a.m. Your mom appreciated that, I'm sure, even if she didn't tell you cuz, at the time, she wasn't happy about ANY drinking that went on. If you had drunk enough to look inebriated, you might have chosen to wait until morning.

M's mom talking to other parents as if all the girls were as bad as her M is something you cannot control. You can try to convince your mom, but you've broken her trust in you by doing something illegal, and you just have to earn it back.

The grounding for one month does seem excessive. Are you able to go anywhere (e.g. basketball games, movies, etc.), or is it only sleepovers that you're grounded from? My punishment would have been different-- I would allow no more sleepovers, ever (in fact, I have done that for DS17), and make my DS write an essay on underage drinking, alcoholism, etc. The grounding might have been for a week or two.

DS17 drank before a football game (not on school property) last Oct. He claims he had only a few sips of rum, and I believe him. The ath. dir. said he looked okay at the game. He and the other four boys who were not caught drinking, but admitted to it when questioned by ath. dir. and asst. princ. four days after the event.(Some kids lied and they got off. In retrospect, I wish my DS, too, would have lied.) They were suspended for 5 days, and if they didn't want the susp to be 10 days, they also had to undergo a drug test and have an eval by an addicitons counselor. They also could not particpate in sports (miss 20% of the games)and could not park in the school lot for 90 days, and could not go off campus for lunch for 90 days. I do not agree with this harsh punishment for a first time offense, and, in fact, I'm furious about it cuz the suspension affected DS17s grades and sent him into a depression that lasted at least two months (severe for only about three weeks). I never knew my son had been drinking with his friends. After this he told me he had started doing it at sleepovers in summer. The drinking did not occur at a location where the school had authority over the students, and they could not prove that they had any alcohol in their systems by the time they got to the game. The suspension was removed from their record, but it was after they'd already missed 5 days of school each. The parking in the school lot ban and no going off campus for lunch punishments were not removed.

Why am I telling you this? Because I think you're fortunate to have been caught by parents, and not by the school. The zero tolerance policies in our schools are ridiculous and, at least at our HS, the interrogation tactics used by our administration are disgusting.

I hope my son can restrain from underage drinking, and I hope you can, too. It's illegal and simply not worth the risk. We tell our DS, "You are just plain unlucky. You WILL get caught." If you, too, are one of the unlucky ones, you've got to just stay away from the illegal stuff, even in college. There are way too many MIP stories I've heard from parents of college students.

Good luck, and give your mom a nice, big hug. She really does love you.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 12:52pm

It is human nature to feel picked on when one has done a lesser bad deed than another party.
My husband tried to plea to a judge about a speeding ticket, insisting he wasn't going as fast as other drivers nor as fast as the police clocked him. The judge, who Im sure had heard this 1000 times, said "Were you driving over the speed limit?" to which DH said "yes".
He paid his fine and moved on

You did drink-not as much as others but you still drank. You can be annoyed, feel it's unfair, complain to whoever will listen but, ultimately, like DH and the ticket, you have to pay the fine and move on.

It happens a lot, even in adulthood!

Good for you for opting to call your mom then and there; I agree that allowed them to see you were not sickly drunk.

I do wonder what your parents thought of you going to the party in the first place? Did they talk about that with you? In their mind, you were at Ms house, not K's house(who I assume they dont even know as you said you didnt know many people there)

Is it possible they are also angry about that and the month grounding was partially for not letting them know where you were and/or not staying at Ms house?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 4:01pm

Would YOUR parents have given their OK for you to go over to the other house so late at night? What was the agreed upon time YOUR parents would have wanted you to be in a home environment, not out partying? I'm sorry, but 11:45 is NOT early. It might be if you're in the house in a sleepover, but not if you're running around the neighborhood partying. I'm pretty sure YOUR parents expected you to be at M's house, not out running around doing God knows what. THAT is probably one big thing they're upset about. It would be just as upsetting to me to know that I could not trust you to be where you agreed to (much as I have to worry with my 4 year old!), as it would be finding out you'd "tried" some beer.

"She accused us of sneaking out and drinking, also claiming that "some girls looked better than others." She made me sound really bad in front of my parents" - Another lesson learned - some people will try their hardest to make YOU look bad, so they don't look bad with others. She doesn't want to admit her own part in what happened that night. If she lays all the blame at the feet of all the other kids, then your parents won't be mad at her since your parents now think you were "sneaking out". Learn to be very leary of these type of people.

Serve out your time and speak with your parents. You might want to ask your parents to have a talk with you about it. Tell them that you are not looking to get out of your punishment, but that you want them to understand what happened that night. Tell them you understand that you have violated their trust by doing something you know is not right, that they would not have wanted you to do, and being where you had not agreed upon. Again, don't try to get out of punishment, just let them know that as an almost-adult, you've learned a lesson. That you understand some of the reasons they are punishing you, and while it doesn't seem fair to you, that you understand they have your best interests at heart. Unlike the mother of M, who only wants to save face in front of other parents.

Best wishes! Time flies fast, it'll be over in a flash.

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 4:25pm

You drank and it is illegal. Staying over at a friends house does not give you permission to go to a party or to drink. You made poor choices and now you have to deal with them.

Your parents are trying to protect you and keep you safe. There is NO reason you should be at an unsupervised party after 11pm. Be happy you did not get raped or worse.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 8:51pm

I'm going to go against the others, and believe you. First I put myself in your place, and then I put my son in your place. Based on what you've said, I'd have told you I'm proud of you calling me, albeit at 3am, because you made the right choice in getting out of what sounds like a very awkward situation. You went to this guy's house on the recommendation of the girl's mom, weren't interested in the party, nor were your friends, yeah, you caved to take a sip of beer but decided that wasn't wise or worth it, and left. And the girl ended up getting wasted; no fault of yours; if anything immature on her part to have friends over and all but abandon them. Her mom decides to take the easy way out and place blame on you guys, vs. fessing up to it all being her idea, obviously not knowing OR caring what the guy's party was like. I blame HER (and her daughter for being inconsiderate), not you.

I think the only other thing you could've done was call home prior to going to the guy's house and just mentioning to your folks that the girl's mom suggested you guys go there for a while, so you'd check it out for a bit if ok, before going back to her house. Just to be fair and let your parents know the whole deal, even though the girl's mom really was taking responsibility for you at that point, and your parents assumed she'd do the right thing/make the right choices on your behalf. If anything, I, as a parent, would be livid at her for saying it was ok for you and your friends to go to this guy's house without telling your folks. But that's just me. You've got one parent here on your side.

Assuming it's all true, I think maybe you could write a detailed letter to your folks spelling out everything you wrote here, and just make it informational, not accusatory toward your friend's mom, or defensive on your behalf...at least that's what I would've done in your situation, and let them see how well you really did handle the situation. JMHO.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 03-11-2007 - 10:26pm

I'm going to agree with you on a few points. Firstly, when you stay at a person's house under their parents supervision, they are responsible for your well-being. Not only should she have checked with other parents whether it was okay for you guys to go to an "after-party", when you didn't get home by a certain time she should have come by to check on you. When my dd has friends over if I think they are going to go somewhere other than my house I ask those kids parents in advance to make sure they are okay with that. And my dd knows that if she is somewhere and she and her friends decide to go somewhere else it is HER responsibility to call and let me know BEFORE she goes.

Also I do believe that trying half a beer, not liking it and then moving on isn't exactly "drinking". Although I wonder, what if you had liked the beer? Would you have continued until you were falling over and sick like your friend? You have to be careful trying anything new at a party at a strange person's house.

I'm sorry you are frustrated and feeling like you were harshly punished. But maybe you can take some learnings away from this. One is to form your own judgement about things even if you ARE under some other adult's supervision. Not all adults have the same values and good sense as your parents might. The other thing is that drinking is NOT cool. I learned that from watching other people get p*****d drunk, puke, pass out and generally look awful. I learned I never wanted someone seeing me that way. Hopefully you feel the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 9:42am
I agree with most of the other posters - just take the consequences of your actions and move on.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:33am

I do think that M's mom deserves some blame here for allowing you girls to go to someone else's house when all your parents thought you would be at her house. I remember one time when my DD's frend slept over our house after a dance. I think there were in 9th grade. The friend left our house after the dance for a "minute" to talk to her BF, who lived in our neighborhood. When she didn't come back after about 10 mins., I made my DD call her on her cell and tell her to come back. I told the friend that I didn't think her mother would be too happy w/ me if I let her hang around w/ her BF at about midnight when she was supposed to be sleeping over my house. So I do think it was def. wrong for this mother to let some girls go to a party w/o knowing whether their parents would be ok w/ that.

Now I also have a DD who just turned 18. I know that after her most recent dance, which ended at 11:00, they were going to go out to eat w/ a group of friends. They went to a pancake house, which was open late, but it was too crowded, so they ended up getting some Chinese take out and going to one friend's house. Since she hadn't turned 18 yet, she was not supposed to be driving after midnight. She ended up calling me at midnight to ask if it was ok that she was going to be home a little later, because she had left her car at a friend's house and she needed someone to drive her back there. It really wasn't that ok, but after she explained what had happened (a longer story), I could see what the situation was and she was home by 12:30. Now I am actually relieved that she won't get a ticket if she is home after midnight, but that's another story.

I also know (because she told me herself) that she has tried alcohol and that a lot of her friends drink. This doesn't make me happy. She has said that she is one of the few who doesn't drink. She has also said that she has seen kids acting really stupid when they get drunk and she doesn't like that. This is a big dilemma for parents. On the one hand, I don't want her drinking because it's illegal and can be dangerous. A couple of girls in her school were killed in a drunk driving accident 2 yrs. ago. I hope she remembers that. On the other hand, when I was 18, drinking was legal. In one way, I think that was safer, since we could go out to a restaurant and have a drink openly, it wasn't usually the whole focus of going out. In fact, I never liked the taste of beer and still don't. There were often keg parties at college and I would bring my own can of soda. I didn't make drinking the whole focus of my life. Next year my DD will be going to college and I hope she will be acting responsibly when I am not there to supervise her. I wish I had the miracle answer of how to do this, but I don't think any parent does.

I think that maybe if you apologize to your parents and own up to whatever you did was wrong, look at things from their point of view, which is 1) you went somewhere other than where you told them you would be, even though your friend's mother said it was ok, obviously it wasn't ok w/ them. You still could have called to ask before you went and given your parents the opportunity to say yes or no, 2) you stayed at a party where there was drinking and even tried some yourself. If all you do is whine about how unfair they are, you aren't acting grown up and they aren't going to have any sympathy for you because it's clear you haven't learned your lesson. Maybe you could also have a discussion about what you should do if you are ever at a party in the future where people are drinking, i.e., could you call them at any time of night and have them pick you up w/o them getting mad.