I'm happy with my decision
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| Tue, 02-07-2006 - 9:49am |
All:
An update. My daughter is talking to me again even though I haven't budged. We are on the mend and I have stood my ground with calling off the use of IM and Myspace. She can only use the Internet for schoolwork. I truly believe she is showing me that she has renewed respect for me standing my ground on this important issue. She told me I was right about how she's been acting.
And to counter the posts that computers and the Internet are so critical today: Yes, they are nice to have but NOT ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for socializing. I have a few girl friends who have teen daughters around the same age as mine and one that is exactly the same age in the community right next to ours. They are prime examples of how the Internet and IM is not necessary to them as a social outlet. They are NOT into IMing or having a blog and use it strictly for research for school. Please, don't compare the Internet and instant messaging and MYSPACE to our grandparents discovering cars and public transportation. Please.
I'm just showing my daughter that there is so much more in life to accomplish than sit in front of a screen and write to people she just saw at school. Because she has some additonal free time now (that she would have spent on the pc) she got a book from the library yesterday. She's finally reading! It's been quite a while since I've seen her with a book.
I have to disagree with those who say restricting anything completely is a bad idea. If you NEVER make a stand and always give a time limit, they will always know you will give in eventually. Remeber, this was the 3rd time in 6 months that I caught her on when she was banned from using it and lied. I DID try the "no internet for a month" or "No Internet for 2 months" etc etc. IT DIDN'T WORK. And as Dr. Phil says, "How is that working for ya?" It didn't.


As I said before I took IM away from DD when she 15 and she just got it back this year - she's 17 now. She actually could have had it back much earlier but she just didn't ask for it back until recently. She wanted it then b/c several of her friends had left for college and she wanted to be able to talk to them. I thought this was a pretty good reason. We went over the rules again - no stranger, no obsene language, be careful what you say b/c it's in writing and people can't see your face, the possibility of misinterpretation, info can be forwarded to others, etc. So far, no problems but she is 2 years more mature now.
Good Luck!!
I've posted ad-nausem about this, but unplugging our dd was the right thing to do for her. It isn't forever - but, like tobylady, I will be careful that she is mature enough and ready enough to gain it back. In the meantime, she uses the Internet for school and I do allow her to cruise (as long as she stays away from drama sites like mysepace) on the weekends.
For those who posted opinons that the Interent is here to stay and IM and e-mail are vital communiation tools, you're right. If your kids are handling it ok, I'm glad for you. Some kids can't handle it. My dh was resistant for the same reasons many of you cited. I remember saying to him "If she was 3 years old and walking out into traffic, wouldn't you go get her?" It really is the same thing. My dd was anxious, depressed, biting her fingernails until they bled, blowing off school work, lying and getting into some serious online catfights.
She is now calmer, happier, an honor student and gaining confidence by the day. This is not a coinidence and she knows it. What works for some kids doesn't work for others.
Sorry I didn't respond earlier - I'm not sure where the weekend went!
Sounds like you did the right thing and it's working for you.
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I think it's awesome that you took a stand against AIM and MySpace - both are a complete waste of time and borderline perversion. Your teen will not DIE if they don't have 24 hours access to thier friends. I personally find it a little pathetic and lazy to spend so much time being so self absorbed posting about thier lives to the same people they share it with at school anyway. Ugh - don't even get me started.
They find other things to do with thier spare time, like read, be alone and reflect, plan outings and thier futures, dream a little dream, write poetry and discover new music to name a few of those 'other' things.
I haven't responded to your post in the past because computer abuse in our home isn't much of an issue. My hs DD has such a full schedule with homework, afterschool activities, etc., and gets home so late that her free time is quite limited. If she does use the computer, it is just about only for homework, playing a mindless game to unwind, or downloading music to her iPod. She is rarely on IM anymore for any length of time.
However, I feel compelled to share this with you. My DD goes to a school with an organization called "'School'Cares".
"Basically 'School'Cares provides a program that addresses the concerns of our school community. 'SchoolCares' is educators, parents, and students working together to assess the issues and design educational programs to address the concerns of the community." Drug, alcohol and tobacco abuse are some of the topics it addresses, but most recently, the subject of computer abuses was addressed.
Yesterday, the organization sent out an e-mail on info about a meeting in our area on this very subject! It was very last minute, so I wasn't able to attend.
The whole IM, Xange, MySpace issue has become huge in our area (San Diego county) that it was the subject of a recent Dateline edition. Here's the link, if you're interested in reading the related NBC article. It may make you even happier with your decision.
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9878187/
Regards,
Julie
jt (I am emailing the link to my friend who doesn't check her kids myspace because she "doesn't know how">
You know I think you nailed it there with parents who "don't know how" to supervise their teens/kids use of technology. Abuse hasn't been a problem in my home because I am just as techy savvy as my kids, if not more. We have one computer we all share. All chats/emails are logged. I know my kids' passwords. I set up their MSN Messenger accounts. I have my own i.d. so that I keep in touch with my kids when I travel or am at work late. They can't get away with abuse because I know how to check on them. Frankly I find my husband is more prone to abusing the PC and internet than anyone else (that's a post for another board..)!!
Parents need to get familiar with technology, know how to use it, know how it should be set up, know how to disable it (hello....ever thing of "uninstalling" software they are abusing?) or block it. The best protection is knowledge and information...
I think you are right - as parents, we have a responsibility to be more "tech savy" than our kids. Not long ago, DH and I were going somewhere and I didn't want DD on Internet for some reason, don't remember why. I didn't mind her using the computer but no Internet so I simply went in and took out the Dial-Up phone number (we live in the sticks - no cable or DSL for us) so it wouldn't connect. I truly didn't feel like arguing with her so I just made it difficult for her.
First thing out of her mouth when we got home was "mom the Internet's not working". It was late so I said I'll deal with it tomorrow. The next morning, I put the # back and harmony was restored. I know I took the coward's way out but hey, it worked!