Im. Just. Over it. And its just started.
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Im. Just. Over it. And its just started.
| Sun, 09-26-2010 - 7:31pm |
Sweet geezus I am so over this 14 year old attitude having, sneaky, sefish self abosobred monster of a stepson
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I sure can relate! - I am counting down too- 1 HS yr done, 3 to go - in my case he is mine,
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS21, DS18, DD15
Here's a link to the disengaging essay:
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
For many frustrated step-mom's, this is their bible. You can't fill the gaps when your DH drops the ball. It just won't work no matter how hard you try. I've BTDT, and had to develop "hysterical bindness/deafness" for all the stuff going on in my home that didn't directly affect me. I learned to stop trying to parent the step-kids, and as a result, I became less and less of a target of their disrespect. I did start getting on DH's case hardcore, getting him to do the work of nagging them (mostly to get them to pick up after themselves), but otherwise, I stayed out of things. That reduced the stress I was feeling immensely.
I learned to stop trying to parent the step-kids, and as a result, I became less and less of a target of their disrespect.
I honestly don't mean this disrespectfully, but when I read this essay, I thought, "who in
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Well, that's great. I never suggest reading the disengaging essay to a blended family who are happy and functioning.
I suggest it to step-moms who's DH's aren't in agreement with parenting, who's DH's don't want to make their kids follow rules (rules that the DH often has initially agreed with). I suggest it to step-moms who are feeling like the abused, unpaid, hired help.
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I can't either, but for some women this is the only area where their DH falls down, or has blinders, and disengaging is a compromise between staying and being (almost literally) abused (at the very least, grossly taken advantage of), or getting a divorce.
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Why? Seriously...*dangerous*? Why such a dramatic word?
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The babysitter has taken this on as her career. She's also free to quit if your kids are too much for her, or she decides that kids aren't her thing. And by discipline, are you suggesting that when you'd pick up your kids, that you'd be told that one of your kids was grounded (at your home as well)? Or were they just controlled while in the babysitter's care? Disengaging is not about letting the kids run wild when the parent is not home, although I'd be strongly suggesting that the non-parent opt out of babysitting duties if that was a point of high stress.
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Again, good for you, but not all parents feel the same way. Or they initially claim to, but in the end don't really want the input of a non-parent (and, really, that's the right of the parent to decide). You seem to want to give the non-parent only two options: suck it up...or leave.
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Why? Seriously...*dangerous*? Why such a dramatic word?
You're right, dangerous is a dramatic word, at least without any context. When I say dangerous, I mean dangerous to a happy and healthy marriage, not physically dangerous. I will have to believe others when they say that they can have a satisfying marriage with disengagement, but I just can't see it. I wasn't trying to make it a "divorce or abuse" situation. I was saying that rather than disengaging, I think serious family counseling is in order. And yes, honestly, if my dh refused to go to family counseling when I felt it was seriously needed, I would choose divorce.
As far as the babysitter, YES, she would occasionally impose punishments that went beyond her immediate care, because we had discussed and agreed upon those in advance. It wasn't like out-of-the-blue the babysitter would say, "hey, you're grounded for a week," and honestly, at that age, the kids were pretty easy and didn't need longer punishments much, but there were times when things happened and she would say to me, "okay, I told dd that I was putting X in timeout for two days because she used it to hit her sister" or whatever, because we had discussed it in advance.
With my dh, we usually knew the consequences because we had discussed them in advance (with the kids as well, so they knew them) and our mantra was ALWAYS follow through.... however, if something came up and one of us wasn't really sure what to do, we'd say, "okay,
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I disengaged from the parenting of my skids. My marriage didn't suffer as a result. My DH respected ME enough to realize that I wasn't one of his kids' parents, and shouldn't be burdened with that responsibility. I respected HIM enough to realize that he could parent as he saw fit, and bring only the issues that directly affected me to him. I felt that our marriage was in more danger with me backseat driving his parenting, than it would be if I disengaged. There was no more elephant in the room than there would have been if I'd been an aunt or good friend who also happened to live in the house.
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I think that's crazy. It would be like finding a note from my DS's teacher saying that DS is grounded from tv for a week for something he did in class. Um, I'll decide what goes on in our home, TYVM.
What if you'd decided later that the punishment was not appropriate, or that it wasn't having the desired effect? What if babysitter insisted that you continue with the agreement? Who gets veto power?
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I disagree. To me, this is about a biological parent's right to parent as they see fit, so long as it's not directly affecting that parent's spouse. In my home, I decide when my DS's curfew is, how many cookies he can eat, if he can stay home from school, how many hours he can spend online, ect., so long as it doesn't directly conflict with my DH's needs. I decide what the punishment will be for infractions, and what the duration of those punishments will be.
I always tell DH what's going on so that he's informed (and gets the chance to bring any conflicts to my attention), and I quite often bounce ideas off him (he's the more experienced parent, and a great sounding board). I'm not asking approval, nor am I asking him to participate in the parenting (especially not the crappy parts of parenting). He's a friend, not my kid's other parent.
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I agree, BUT if you are putting yourself in the middle of situations where you are not needed, that don't directly affect you, then you are kind of asking for it. And what is blatant disrespect? Is it eye-rolling, muttered complaints, ignoring? Most parents ignore that anyway.
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Sometimes coexisting is the best that can be achieved. Peaceful coexistence is definitely not the end of the world.
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Well, you're probably not alone in that attitude. They do say that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first ones.
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