I'm loosing it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
I'm loosing it!
11
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 11:25am

This may be long and incoherent so I'll apologize now.

DD is 17. She has been dating a boy for 2 years now. He's 19 and about 4 1/2 hrs away at college. I'm not real thrilled with him but I accept this relationship. She wants to go to school where he's at but we don't think that's a good fit for her for a number of reasons (including but not limited by the fact that her b/f is there). We've explained our reasons to her and have all but outright told her we will not pay for you to go there. So last weekend, she went to visit a smaller school, closer to home. She supposedly spent the night with a friend of hers that I trust. During the week last week, I was told that she wasn't with this girl at all. I was so upset that I didn't say anything to DD - wanted to calm down alot. Now I find out she did meet up with this girl at 2:30 in the morning so I'm still upset but better.

Fast forward to this weekend. Fri night was homecoming football game. DH and I went. We noticed DD flirting with someone other than her b/f (he didn't come home). After the game, she and several of her friends go out to eat. So she is to call me before she starts heading home to let me know she's on her way home. The purpose is to make sure I'm awake when she's on her way home b/c cell phones don't work on our country road. My alarm wakes me up at midnight and she's not home. I try to call her - no answer. I check my cell phone and she had called me at 11:30 to tell me she's leaving the restaurant. You don't wake somebody up by leaving them a voice mail on a cell phone. By 12:30 I'm frantic. It takes 30 minutes to get home so she should have been home by midnight. She calls very apologetic she took this guy back to his car at the school and the got to talking and lost track of time. So I informed her she would have to be in at 10:00 on Sat night. She said okay, she understood.

Sat night rolls around. 9:30 she calls and wants to know if a bunch of them can come watch a movie at our house. I'm always fine with the kids at my house so I say okay. 10:00 around 10 kids come in. New guy is with them. They go to the den upstairs to watch tv. Around midnight I hear the door open and hear everyone leave. I go to bed. At 2:30 the alarm chime wakes me up - someone opened the door. I get up, it's new guy leaving! They had been upstairs all this time. I remind her that no males alone upstairs unless her dad and I are wide awake and then all doors must be very open. She said she thought that was just for her b/f. It's 2:30 am so I just say no, all males and go back to bed.

I'm checking IM conversations and find a couple between her and new guy. She's asking if he thinks anyone suspects them and he's asking what her b/f will do if he finds out about them. She tells new guy she's not breaking up with b/f. She's done this before with her ex and her current b/f. I have not raised her this way and I do not agree with this. I may not like b/f but he doesn't deserve to be cheated on.

She also told us she would go look at another college this weekend (her idea not ours) but then she realized that b/f would be home so she's not going. The whole trip would only take 5 hours out of her day on Sat.

So you may all hear her yelling all over this continent (yep, you folks in Canada included). Tonight, we are going to confront her with her antics while visiting the other college. We are going to tell her that as of now she will not be attending the college with her b/f so she needs to get serious about picking somewhere else. Not sure what to say or do about her cheating on her b/f. I really want to let that alone. He will find out soon enough and I seriously doubt if we put up with this. So I'm thinking I may just let that one alone.

I'm so tired of not being to do what I want to do b/c I can't trust my 17 y/o to behave. For instance, DH and I would like to go with friends to another city to eat on Sat. We can't go b/c we don't trust DD. She would most definitely bring her b/f into our home alone if we were to go. We would occassionally like to go spend the night somewhere just the two of us - not about to dump her off on someone else. I'm thinking sending to her school in Idaho and letting her live with her sister for a while sounds pretty darn good about now. I'm already paying rent on a two bedroom apt. Plus that would get her sister back home real quick!! Just kidding, I love my oldest too much to do that to her.

Thank you all for listening and sorry it's so long. I sort of let things build up and now I want to explode!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 12:39pm

Hey there,

I had been hoping that by the time DS-16 was a senior that DH and I could also trust him enough to take off for the weekend or whatever.... but it sure looks like it's not going to happen here. So I can sure relate to that. (and when I was her age I couldn't be trusted for a second....but that's probably for other reasons)

I hate it that she's cheating, too, but I agree with you to leave that alone for now. Breaking up is hard even at my age, much less for a teen girl that's been with a guy since she was 15.

At least she's planning to find a new college. A silver lining, heh?

Good luck,
cc

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 1:10pm

I'm sorry you've had such a frustrating weekend! The whole college issue has been a concern of yours for a long time ... and now this! I'm sorry you don't feel you and DH can have your nice evening away from home.

I tend to think that DD cheating on her boyfriend will work it's way out in the end, and that it's best to leave that issue alone. Granted it's not how we'd like our children to behave, but I think it may be what teens do with their relationships sometimes. She may like the security of a 'boyfriend' and he's so far away she might feel it's just something to do?

I think the big issue, though, is trust. You can't feel like you can trust your DD with much anymore and from the description of your weekend, that is perfectly understandable. But back to the college issue ... do you think you can trust her to manage her schoolwork and college life away from home? Have you considered letting her earn her general ed credits at a local community college before transferring to a 4-yr univeristy? It would be far less expensive and it would give her a couple of years to get her head straight, earn your trust again and prove to you that she wouldn't be wasting your money at a 4-yr college? It's just a thought.

A little disjointed, I know -- sorry. I hope your week goes better!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 1:25pm
We've thought about community college but the problem is that I work at the local community college and one of the reasons that I know so much about what she's doing is b/c my students will see her out and they will mention, just in conversation, I saw S at xyz Fri night. She wasn't supposed to be at xyz so she gets in trouble. While she realizes, the cause of the lack of trust is her fault and not b/c my students blab, she is dead set against going here. There are three other private schools within 30 minutes of here and I would prefer one of them but she's dead set against that as well. We would even let her live in the dorm at one or two of those. Anyway, we'll see what happens tonight. Keep us in your thoughts - it'll be another sleepless night at my house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 1:38pm
Good luck! Please tell us what happens! (about the trust issue, maybe you could tell her that it's not only causing/will cause problems for her but that it doesn't allow you to enjoy your weekends either!) My DS can't stand it if an issue might cause problems for him and is troubling other members of the family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 4:28pm

Her lack of regard for DH and myself is a huge part of the problem. She thinks very little about anyone but herself so it really wouldn't bother her if I told her we have to alter our lives b/c we don't trust her. Her response would simply be "well, that's your choice. I didn't ask you to do that."

I don't understand b/c she seemed to be doing so much better but it seems like since school started this year she's slowly going back to where she was a few years ago. Hiding things, bending rules, etc. I do not want to go back there at all.

I'm still really too angry to discuss all this with her but I really think that the longer I put it off it will just get worse. It's definitely going to be an effort to keep myself calm at this point.

Thanks for all the encouragement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 6:19pm

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Maybe that's all the more reason for her to go there, in spite of her not wanting to. Are you footing the bill for her tuition and books? If you are, then I think you are entitled to a say in where she goes.

When you calm down and get to a point you feel you can talk to her again, maybe you can say something like "I have some serious reservations about you going away to college and don't trust that you can handle living away from home, college life, schoolwork and still keep your grades up. Until such time you prove me wrong, you're going to attend the community college where I can keep an eye on you. I'm paying for your education and I have a say in this. If I feel I can trust you again and see that you have made a serious commitment to your education, we can work on transferring you to the university of your choice after ?? semesters or when you complete your GE requirements." ??

Just my thoughts ... let us know how things go tonight.

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 7:25pm
Odd that she wants to go to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 10:33pm

Aww toby - I'm sorry that your dd is giving you fits again.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:58am

Thanks to all of you for your support. DH and I were going to discuss the whole college issue with her last night but DH's dad wasn't feeling well so he had to go check on him. She mentioned something about the new guy so I just asked her what was between them - that it appeared to me there was some pretty serious flirting going on between them on Fri night and that she had spent alot of time alone with someone that's not her b/f. I asked her if she wanted to discuss the relationship with the boyfriend. Of course, she didn't so I told her that since she didn't want to discuss this with me that I would say my peace. I told her that it was probably normal to develop a crush on someone else during a long-distance relationship but that the key was to decide how to act or not act upon it. I also told her that at her age it's normal to get restless after two years with the same person but once again it was what you decide to do about it. She then told me, nicely, that she appreciates my saying these things and my concern but that she doesn't need it, that she's already thought of these things. After she went to bed, I checked the computer monitoring program and she had IM'd the new guy and told him she wouldn't see him this weekend that her b/f is coming home and she wanted to be with him so that she could figure out what to do about him. So I guess she had already given this some thought.

DH and I probably won't get to discuss the rest of this with her until Thurs or Fri b/c of our work schedules. Honestly, this child is real good at pushing our buttons and we find that this doesn't happen as much if we talk to her together. I don't want her to feel like she's being ganged up on but she needs to understand the seriousness of telling us she'll be with one person and then being with someone we don't know, She also needs to understand the seriousness of her college choice. We feel that if we do this together she will be more likely to get that.

Thanks again. I feel better today - I got some sleep last night. That always helps.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 1:28am

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this stuff with your dd17. I don't have any great advice but I can certainly empathize with you...my dd was also really pushing the envelope at 17 and it was extremely stressful.

As for the new boy, I think what you said to her is good. And what you found out about how she is handling it is good too. I was in a similar situation when I was 18. I'd been with E for about 2 years, and he had been away at college for the second year so we saw each other approx once a month plus the school breaks. I wasn't looking to meet anyone new but I met a guy through friends and we clicked. Like your dd I saw him several times, both in a group and alone. I didn't want to break up with E over "nothing" so I wanted to be sure the chemistry was right with the new guy. I decided it was, so I put him on hold while I dealt with my bf. As it turned out E agreed that it was time to break it off so we parted amicably and I was able to start the new relationship with a clear conscience. My mom never said anything but I can imagine that she was dismayed because she wished I would marry E! All this to say that I can understand that your dd may want to be sure of her feelings before she does anything, and why dump an adequate bf until you're sure that the next one is a keeper?!

If she breaks up with the old bf then she may have less incentive to attend Knoxville, which would eliminate a point of conflict...

I normally don't agree with the theory of sending kids off to college to "grow up" but yours may be a case where it is justified. I say that because of the stress that she is causing. To have her living at home attending college with her antics under your nose would be really hard to take...we went through it with dd19 and it culminated in telling her to shape up or ship out. We parents aren't getting any younger and I didn't want to develop chronic health problems over an immature inconsiderate young adult. I know that your dd has ADD issues and I'm not sure how that might be addressed, but being away at college *does* have a structure. Even though they are unsupervised and can party all night and miss class, the majority of them remember in time why they are there! Most of them will choose to pass on the partying when it is time for midterms, and that tends to wake up the ones less inclined to study. Often the teachers and TAs exert some positive influence, and being in a new environment allows them to "reinvent" themselves if they want to. Plus the parents are not right there to defy, there is nobody to nag her except herself, so they often start to realize that they are responsible for themselves. If she tanks and has to come home with her tail between her legs, it will be a lesson learned which is disappointing but has a lot of value. I realize that this is an oversimplification but I wanted to give you this perspective...its one that I've arrived at from watching both of my kids' ups and downs over the past several years.

If it is any consolation, we couldn't trust our dd to stay home alone either. We did leave her alone twice because we HAD to get away; the first time I'm sure she had her bf staying over but I think that was the "worst" of it. The second time she had a huge party that included a bunch of strangers and booze, she did a half-a**ed job of cleaning up afterwards and then denied for months that there had been a party! Grrr, it can still make me mad! The bright side is that after she leaves you will LOVE the peace of the empty nest!!

Good luck with the talk and limiting her college choices and dealing with her behavior...someday this will all be just a distant memory!

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