I'm new here and have a question

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
I'm new here and have a question
8
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 10:08am
Hi. New here. First of all, just want to say I'm a mom of a 14 yr old boy and stepmom to a 16 yr old boy and 13 yr old girl. I need some advice on how to handle a situation. Last night, I was doing a random check on stepson's cell phone. Yes, I do that. Mainly cuz I just had a mother's intuition moment that told me I should. He had just been to her house for a few hours. Anyway, there was a picture on there of stepson's gf with her top off!! The picture was taken from an angle so that I could tell he took it while laying underneath her!! This completely threw me for a loop! They've been dating a while and I'm no dummy but still didn't quite know how to handle it. I guess I should add that my husband has a job where he is out of town alot so I'm left to handle these things pretty much on my own most of the time. I think I probably overreacted last night but couldn't help it. There was some yelling and I told him he's never going to her house again. When he's at our house with her, we allow her to go in his room but they have to keep the door open and lights on at all times. Apparently that's not the rule at her house. I need to know how other folks would handle this situation. Should there be punishment? Should I say anything to her mom? Help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 11:49am

It would be nice if the other parents were supervising the way you do but I dont know if you would feel comfortable talking to them-in a general way- about what you are doing with open doors, etc

You could perhaps say he couldnt go there if they werent home, for example. I work out of a home office(not that Ive been focused on work this week-groan)so my house isnt where teens are likely to go for fun and games between 3 and 5. DS2's best friends house WAS that house and the parents were clueless as they dutifully worked at their jobs. I never felt comfortable spilling the beans to them but that's just me-I'm a wuss ;)

You or DH definitely need to have the sex/BC talk AGAIN. It doesnt matter if hes heard it before, it is pertinent NOW.

Punishment? I dont think its appropriate myself.

Should you tell the family about the picture? Personally, I wouldnt. I think there is too much potential for your step son to get 'the heat' from the other family over this

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 12:09pm

I'm not sure what I would do about telling the other parents, but as the mother of a teenage girl, I would want to know. And I would be furious w/ my DD and not blaming the boy, since I dont' favor the double standard and believe that the girl should be equally responsible for her own actions.

I don't believe that "punishment" is the answer, but I would hesitate about letting the boy go over the girl's house if her parents aren't home, and then again, if they are home and don't seem to chaperone or know what's going on, then having them there isn't much of a help. I can pretty much guarantee if they know what their DD is doing, they will be chaperoning a lot more in the future.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 12:17pm
As the mother of a daughter, I too would want to know, but it appears so many parents out there have their heads in the sand and would rather remain clueless. Talk to him about respect - both for himself and for her and like a pp said definitely be talking bc!! If you have any type of relationship w/ the girl maybe talk to her about self-respect and how damaging and degrading putting having such pictures of herself can be. Punishment? No.... just lots and lots of talking!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 12:29pm
I agree with the others - while I'd personally want to know if my kids were posing for pictures like that some parents don't.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 1:36pm

I wouldn't punish my DS for something like this, but as others have said, we'd really have a long talk about BC, STDs, and respecting one's partner.

Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 3:08pm

I would erase that picture and any more like it on the phone...

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 8:12am

Hopefully first thing you did was erase that picture. Out of concern for the young girl, I wouldn't want that picture to get to someone who could put it to a questionable purpose.

First thing I'd do is ask your son if he'd like all his friends and his brother and his dad to see his girlfriend with her top off? I'm sure he'd say no. So then the natural response would be to point out that he shouldn't be using a camera-phone which anyone can pick up (like you did) and look at his girlfriend's half naked picture.

To me, trying to control young people's sexual experimentation is futile. They are going to experiment at one point or another. And don't think that if they don't have someone's house to go to that there are no other places for this sort of thing -- everything from parks to deserted hallways at school to an alley behind some store will do. Where there is a will there is a way. And also don't assume that this girls' parents don't have the same rules you do. Rules are broken all the time. While its up to you and her parents to set the boundaries, its up to the kids to follow them. So place the blame where it belongs ie on both of them.

The main thing young teens have to learn is respect and discretion. Respect your gf/bf enough to take it slow and not rush into anything. Respect yourself and your partner enough to know how to protect yourselves from the negative outcomes of sex. And respect yourself and your partner enough to be discrete about this part of your relationship.

As for whether you should tell the girls' parents? Erase the picture, lecture the boy on how to treat a girl respectfully and leave it alone. Chances are if the story gets back to them your son will be blamed anyway...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 06-02-2007 - 8:29am

The main thing young teens have to learn is respect and discretion. Respect your gf/bf enough to take it slow and not rush into anything. Respect yourself and your partner enough to know how to protect yourselves from the negative outcomes of sex. And respect yourself and your partner enough to be discrete about this part of your relationship.


Exactly!