I'm new here, but really need a hand

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
I'm new here, but really need a hand
7
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 1:13am

Hi everyone,

Long time lurker, first time poster (to this board)

I am a divorced Mum to 2 DD's. One 14 one 5. DD's don't see their Dad as he moved interstate before DD #2 was born. Problem is my eldest DD won't talk to me...about anything that is important to her. Friends, sex, etc..

She is a good and happy girl who is doing fairly well at school and excels at sports - loves her dancing, but will not tell me anything about her life. I recently (I know; bad Mum) read some of her emails and there was one from a boy who told her that he wanted to meet with her at lunchtime at school so they could go and do it and did she wear g-strings? She replied no she didn't so he replied and told her to wear a nice bra, then she agreed. Ughhh....

I am sure "going to do it" as he said was nothing more than kissing and a bit of touching, but I think she is still too young to completely understand what she is doing. Once it starts it can snowball so quickly. I feel she is lacking attention from my exH and therefore is searching for it elsewhere through boys.

I have tried to offer an open and easygoing non judgemental forum for her to talk to me, but still nothing. I am at my wits end because I have this information but cannot tell her as I shouldn't have been reading her emails.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this at all? How do you get a teenager to open up to you and tell you things?

Thanks all - hope you're all well

Liz :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 2:05am
It's not uncommon to be having sex at fourteen. "Going to do it" probably meant just that. I know it's not what you want to hear, but as someone who just recently graduated highschool, I thought I'd put my two cents in.
Telling her that you read the emails is a big no-no, but definitely bring up the topic of sex in a non-judgemental way, and say something alon the lines of "I know that teenagers are having sex at younger ages than when I was growing up, and while I do not condone sex at your age, I want you to know that you can come to me if you need birth control or condoms. You won't be in trouble, because it is the responsible thing to do and I want to encourage you to practice safe sex when you do decide to have sex. I'd like you to start going to a gynecologist, so if you have any questions or concerns you are uncomfortable discussing with me, you can ask them." I'd set her up with a gyno appointment, and don't insist on being in the room.
As far as her not talking to you is concerned, there probably isn't very much to hide, but no fourteen year old wants to confide in their parents. I've already suggested this book on this board, but will again because I really think it provides invaluable insight into the world of teenage girls today; the book is called Reviving Ophelia and is written by Mary Pipher. She is a psychiatrist who has done a lot of work with adolescent girls and the book tackles everything from divorce to sex to drugs and everything in between.
I hope I was of some help. Good luck with everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 2:23am

Thanks for that, and yes it was hard to hear, but I would rather hear it now than when its too late. I have ordered the book you referred to and am looking forward to reading it very much.

Thanks again,

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 6:35am

I disagree with the statement that "no fourteen year old wants to confide in their parents". They might not confide everything but to say that there are no teens of this age who feel free to talk to their parents is a bit too broad of a generalisation. I am sure my dd, going on fifteen, doesn't tell me EVERYTHING but we have had good discussions on almost every topic. I am very informed about what's going on in her life and her friends' lives. I also am friends with moms of other girls her age who have very open relationships with their girls. Its not impossible -- its just something that needs to start well before they turn fourteen.

Girls have alot of reasons for sexual experimentation. There may be some of the seeking attention missing from daddy thing. When I was a teen, it was just because I wanted to...ie I had a strong sexual drive. I came from a solid family with strongly held values but that didn't stop me from wanting to get into as many sexual situations as I could. I will say one thing -- it wasn't so easy to go from making out and some major petting to sexual intercourse. I did "everything but" for alot of years. So I would say that not all teens who are active are active in all aspects of sex. So there still may be time to head things off at the pass, per se.

You don't have to tell the girl you read her emails. Just sit her down and as much as she might resist, talk to her about her feelings on teen sexuality. You don't have to ask her for personal details unless the conversation heads that way but just sound her out. Also talk to her about your own experiences. I found this humanized me in a huge way with my dd. She knew that in me she had someone who had "been there done that" and I wasn't just trying to control her. The main thing to talk to her about is the dangers of unprotected sex -- make sure she knows what sex is and the risks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 10:09am

I agree with diamondslb on this one.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 10:38am

I would simply tell DD that once a week/month/? we are going to have a talk. This doesn't mean that she can't come to you or you to her in between times but that at least this often we are going to talk. Use this time to talk to her about the things that you do know are going on in her life. You don't have to tell her how you know or that you do know but just bring up the subject - for instance, I knew when DD was being harrassed by her ex b/f by reading notes. I never told her I read the notes but just asked how are things going with the him. Then I talked about respecting yourself and others, appropriate behavior for people going through break-ups, etc. She never really admitted the harrassment but she got the point. If there's nothing specific going on to talk about, then use this time to just touch base with her - ask her what was the most interesting thing that happened during the day or who her favorite band is or what she thinks of that story she had to read for English. Don't ask yes/no questions b/c that's all you'll get. Be ready with a comment or question that she can respond to with more than yes or no. Try to make it last at least 10 or 15 minutes. DD will roll her eyes when you bring up scheduled conversations but after a while she'll realize this is b/c you do care and that you are willing to set aside this amount of time for just her.

When we talked about sex, she rarely responded but she ALWAYS listened - after all, it's sex! I tried mostly to focus on the emotional consequences to her, her relationship with the b/f and her future relationships. I eventually told her my own experiences from an emotional standpoint and she did talk some during that one.

Just b/c some of the mom's here have teens that are open about everything, it's not that way with all teens. My DD is a very private person and rarely tells me when she and b/f have had a fight or if he has done something to make her feel special. If I ask her a question, she answers and she may or may not be willing to discuss it. I have to respect that in her as I am much the same way with my mother - my mom has no clue that DH is an alcoholic (sober now 6 years). I've also found that the more I don't push simply ask and accept the answer the more likely she is to eventually come to me.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 11:11am
You're not alone in needing a hand... we have all felt that way.
I wanted to let you know of one resource that I have found helpful. It's not always easy to be "in the know" about teen issues. My teens certainly don't share with me what happens in the hallways and everywhere else. There is a company called Connect With Kids that has produced hundreds of DVDs on issues that teens and adolescents are facing. In a perfect world, you could even watch some of the programs with your daughter (I watched one on drinking and driving with my son -- and it lead to a discussion that I doubt would have ever taken place) but if nothing else, having the information is empowering. The segments feature "real" kids and real stories -- along with some advice from experts. You might be interested in "A Silent Epidemic" about AIDs and STDs, "First Comes Love" about early dating and sexual experiences or "Private Lives of Children," about our kids' privacy issues.
I have found the material so empowering that I am even part of a Mom's Network that is trying to spread the word. Check out www.connectwithkids.com and you can even preview some of the DVDs.
Even if your daughter seems not to solicit your advice -- or compassion - they all really crave our love and attention.
Hope this resource can be of some help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 11:16am
I agree - "Connect with Kids" is an excellent resource!