IM Problem Got Worse, but I Got Better!!
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| Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:44pm |
Believe it or not I am doing okay considering how the day played out. Let me first start by telling the following that I am down on my hands and knees thanking you all for taking the time to counsel me with your very wise words, especially the following:
Bunnyrose,Cheryl,Windrush54 and Diamondslb (loved the fact that you even research the music lyrics add to that "Me and Mrs. Jones we got a goooood thing going on...")and musiclover12. You all helped honestly.
Well after writing my missive I went for a 6 mile run and thought it through and decided that I would pick him up from practice and have a heart to heart tonight. AFter dinner he took a shower and I went up to he and his brother's room and while looking for something I came across under his bed an old backpack with 6 unopened beers and an empty Captain Morgan 6 oz flask. Sad to say it had been under there for over a month but with summer I had them cleaning their own room with just a little help from me and checking under his bed was not high on my list!!!! I just sank like a popped balloon. In his IM I forgot to mention that he bragged of drinking Captain Morgan. So I called him up, made the others busy so he and I could talk and showed him everything from the IM to the backpack. He was very scared I think and when I told him that I knew I could not help him if he did not tell me the truth, it all came out after a little crying on his part. He did in fact steal all the beers over the course of this summer one by one and was saving them up to drink when the time was right. And he did in fact really take the CAPTN from our cabinet last night, and I know he did get it from us because I bought it two years ago when I felt like making a special drink for my DH and I, but we used a little over half of it and never drank it again because we are really not big drinkers except for an occaisional beer or wine. I covered all my bases, did he have a problem with drinking, did he think he needed my help with it and I assurred him I would help him regardless. He and I talked for over an hour and I found out alot, I even shared alot. This and one other time is all he ever did in our house, and he says for those of you who've not been there yet, that he did it mostly because he is just so curious about the whole thing and wants to know what it's all about and he said it was fun in a weird kind of way.
I have to say that he was apologetic and confessed to some more internet porn stuff (and I'm afraid I'm going to have to cybersit the internet a little better because even he admitted it's too tempting and not all the good for him.) And while I'm not feeling good about any of this, I am feeling like we heard each other and real communication took place. Also, he admitted that some of this had been causing him to feel guilty about himself and he realizes that he's been a little too moody and he wants to work on that. I told him that when you live a life that you feel good about inside, it makes life so much better and shows in how you treat others etc....
All in all, the talk left me feeling good about he and I. But I did tell him that IM was gone (we talked alot about why) and I decided that once his week of grounding is over, amazingly I was not going to ground him further. But, no sleepovers for awhile until I trust that he's improved his attitude, because I told him even then it will be better for him to have me there picking him up and knowing he's okay and that I would be counting my beers from now on and would check on the liqour as well (I'd told him before that we did this, but we got slack and stopped for some reason). In the end I asked him if there was anything else he needed to get off his chest and after sitting there for a minute he told me he was really shocked at how "nice" I was being about the whole thing. At which point I completely lost it and started to cry. I took a minute and told him that the reason was because I loved him more than life itself and he was a good person who made a mistake, and that he has too much potential for me to sit back and not make sure he gets the best out of life. And none of this stuff was going to get him there, and if in the future he makes more mistakes, I'm there for him as well. And then I told him to bone up on his cards skills and scrabble words because he'd be doing alot of that with me for the near future!!! Thanks Bunnyrose! I needed to be reminded that those nights are special.
Thanks everyone, till the next crisis
your friend for life
xoxo
Molly

Molly,
Welcome to the world of Parent As Coach. It is the title of a great book on parenting of teens. It is also what you just did with your son. He needs your guidance and coaching way more than he needs your iron hand. He is just starting the process of transitioning into adulthood. It is a long, arduous process that really needs your coaching. You have just established the foundation for a great relationship with him. You listened to him and actually rewarded him for telling the truth. So many parents miss that point. Their teen tells them the truth about some misdeed that they did and the parents come down on them like crazy. The only message that delivers is to lie and take their chances.
Teens are full of shame and guilt, all of the time. They know when they have been screwing up, especially at home. It was wonderful that you gave him the opportunity to cop to his guilt. I am sure that it was a great relief to him and his attitude will improve for that reason alone.
You did real well. Congratulations!
Jason
My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com &nbs
You done good mom!!
Excellent! Often just confronting them with "I know what's been going on" is enough to shock them out of their behaviour. Because ALL of us I think can relate to having done things in our lives we would be mortified to have our parents learn about. And just the thought of them finding out would have sent us around the bend!
But one thing I thought of as I read your post -- he was keeping the beers under his bed until it was the right time to drink them? Can you IMAGINE how awful that beer would taste after being tucked in a warm place for a few months in a can? YUCK!!!
I think it's great that you were able to talk to your son in a calm way and not over-react. I think that is what had made my relationship w/ my 18 yo DD pretty successful. It's not that she's perfect or that I approve of everything she has done, but i usually find out cause she knows that if she tells me something, even if I don't approve, I won't go crazy and punish her, but it's more that we can have a discussion about why I think it's wrong.
That's the big thing w/ drinking. I don't think she started until senior yr (at least that's when I found out about it). I also don't think she's a heavy drinker. She had told me that there have been opportunities where she could have drank but didn't, just because she didn't want to. I try to emphasize the bad consequences that could happen, first because it's illegal (since we have a small town w/ a once a week paper, the police notes are printed in there and some people she knows have been arrested for possessing alcohol). The big thing is that I don't want her drinking & driving or getting in a car w/ someone who has been drinking. Of course, she also says that we aren't that helpful because we aren't big drinkers, so it's hard to get any liquor from us. So I do think that if your DS is going to be tempted, you might not want to keep liquor in the house, including beers.
I also agree w/ the Parent Coach guy that if you come down too hard on kids, they will just sneak around. My DSD (17) is like that. Her father can be overly strict so as a result, she really is very sneaky, insists that she is not doing anything wrong, even when it's things that she will be found out about very easily and it has made for a very bad relationship between the 2 of them.
One last thought here. At least you know that he is not an alcoholic or even a regular user of alcohol or that beer would have been consumed immediately, warm or not!
Jason
My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com &nbs