I'm So Sad for my Son

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
I'm So Sad for my Son
8
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 1:33am

Tonight I finally finished the MySpace thread down below. I decided to check DS-17's site.. I've checked it before and it's pretty benign, usually. Tonight I found something that makes my heart just ache for him.

DS-17 was at a black/white fight/riot in that tiny little town where he goes to school. I'm surprised they could even find that many people to fight. It started as him riding along with an older guy who was going to fight a high school kid (I think), but instead he and another man were attacked and beat by 20 other men, with around 15 more on the sidelines waiting to jump in if necessary.

My son didn't jump in and his friends have abandoned him and are telling everyone he's a coward. Both of the men were beat unconscious and had to go to the hospital, and even are still recovering - a month later.

My son was beginning a new job the next day and knew that if he jumped in, all of the others would also. And I'm sure he was petrified.... he's never been around that kind of violence... a level beyond comprehension to me sometimes. And of course he knew it was futile, he could have never helped his friends with a possible 35 men beating the 3 of them.

Anyway, sorry this is so long... but tonight on his myspace account there was only one blog entry. It was him, calling himself a coward and how he is going to come to violence because it would be better than not having his friends. And he generally just berates himself and says how ashamed he is.

As far as I'm concerned, these are not friends he needs to have. The fight was originally supposed to be between 2 whites, one of who never showed, and I still don't understand how the riot started. The fight was supposed to happen because one guy flirted with the other's girlfriend....

Did ya'll know this kind of stuff still happens in Texas? Both racial fights and pathetic reasons to fight...How sad.

I've talked to him about this. I say the usual things.. and at first he agreed with me, but now I see he's just beating himself up over not getting beat, possibly to death.

I don't know if I'm just venting or wanting advice. Take your pick.

Thanks,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 8:40am

I don't have any advice for you but how about a bit of empathy and acknowledgement for how difficult young men's lives are. Those of us with daughters worry about our girls these days and the influences on their lives. But boys I think have always had a rough time growing up. I think the pressure to conform is even greater for them. A young man who is perhaps a bit more sensitive and thoughtful has a hard time if he cannot find others like him. And even then, they have a difficult time finding their place in the world at least until they are into adulthood and can be freer to be true to themselves. I have an 11 year old boy who isn't the traditional sports-loving, rough and tumble boy. He's a big boy but never used his size in a rough way. He's reserved and intelligent and non-confrontational and even his dad has had to learn to come to terms with the fact that he isn't that stereotypical boy. So I worry about him and what it will be like as he grows alot. He as a great group of friends that have been together since first grade and they are alot alike and I'm hoping will stay that way and will be there for each other...

In the meantime, I don't know the details of what happens in Texas but even here in Canada where often we are described as less racist and more tolerant we STILL have alot of this sort of action. It may not be as frequent or overt but it happens and because we have so many different cultures and races its not retricted to "black" and "white". Its "East Asian" vs "Jamaican" or "Russian" vs "Chinese" or "Italian" vs "spanish" -- you name it -- people will find any lame reason to fight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 10:34am

What a tough space for your son to be in. And I'm sure it doesn't help him that mothers everywhere know he made the right choice.

What you describe, sadly, happens everywhere - there have been several big public cases in New York in the past year or so where one guy says a racial slur, another guy slurs back, and then everyone's lives change forever. A few years ago, I had Grand Jury duty. Unlike regular Jury Duty, in Grand Jury you hear case after case for a month (just have to decide if there's enough evidence to go forward with a trial). I got so fed up and depressed at how many cases were just guys being dumb (temporary testosterone poisoning!). One case we had was a group of white (Italian descent) kids (late teens early twenties) beating two middle aged men (who were Sikhs) bloody. How did it start - too much drinking, one guy tells the Sikh that he has "draperies" on his head, and the older man (who should have known better) argued back. The saddest thing, for me, was the younger guys were coming out of a Baptism party for one guy's baby. (Wouldn't you love to be that girl, whose stupid drunk boyfriend got arrested outside the Baptism party?)

Anyway, none of this helps your son. It's very hard for boys to find the right way to be assertive without being aggressive or violent. I hope your son finds some peace, and friends who stand by him.

((((HUGS)))))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 2:39pm

Thank you for your response.

<<>>

I believe you're right. My DS is also not a rough and tumble kind of kid, prefers playing in the band to sports. He's almost 6'4" but he's rail thin. He wouldn't stand a chance fighting grown men, but in his blog he writes that he is going to fight some that beat up his friends (also grown men). He says that's the only way he'll get his friends and reputation back. Being known as the coward of the county is tearing him up.

<<>>

I did not know this about Canada. There's not much racial diversity around here, just white, black and spanish.

Thanks again,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 2:51pm

Thank you, Sue.

<<>>

You got that right. This morning I drove him to work. We pulled up beside one of the old friends. DS waved, and this guy just looked at him and turned away. It just about broke my heart. This guy is in his early 20's. Why he'd want a kid jumping into that kind of violence is beyond me. DS refused to discuss any of it with me, so I let it drop immediately.

Of course I'd prefer that he not hang out with guys this much older than him, but the law's not on my side at all. For those that forgot, or never knew, DS lives in town on his own and the law says there's nothing I can do about it. He works and pays all his own bills, and occasionally I give him a ride to work. That's when we have our best conversations. He's also a senior in high school.

I hope I never get called for grand jury. I can just about imagine all the cases you heard during that month. A grand jury can last up to 6 months around here. Who on earth can do that for that long, I have no idea.

Thanks again,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 8:48pm

I'm sorry you and ds are going through this...what a tough situation. I just wanted to let you know that this kind of thing happens still in my relatively small town (34,000) in northern California, one of the "most liberal" states in the U.S.A. Yes, it's racial (whites and mexicans mostly) and sometimes also over a girl. I'm terrified that my ds16 is someday going to get involved in a physical way - so far he's tried his best to prevent fights that he knows about beforehand. This has worked, for the most part. I don't feel we have a strong enough police presence in our town, they probably don't feel like we need it, we have relatively small crime, but there is always this kind of thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 2:43am

Thanks Dragonfly,

<<>>

Of course you would be. I remember the few fights in my childhood, they were always between 2 people. 20 people didn't jump up and try to beat the life out of 2 or 3. That was one of my first thoughts when told of this, and then DS told me that the cop who first arrived at the scene (and searched DS and called for an ambulance) said the same thing.

DS was one of the only ones to stay after the fight. Everyone else ran off as soon as they saw the cops. I found out today there have been no arrests... not sure what that means.

<<>>

Well, thanks again. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind, lol! I didn't know this was still happening everywhere. Doesn't make me feel much better, who would? But at least I know it's not just the folks around here.

zz

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 12:44pm

racial fights occur all across this nation. Not just in TX, or any other place. I'm in WA and we have racial fights here, too. Seems like guys are always fighting about a girl. Makes me sick. The very idea that 20 would beat the living crap out of 2 or 3 really makes me sick. My DS always travels with friends, BIG friends, but that's not gonna help him if they are out numbered.

Who said "testosterone poisening?" That's the greatest truth right there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 1:18pm

I was the one who said "testosterone poisoning" because I do think that sometimes guys get so wound up they don't think straight. A funny aside - in the book "Can't wait to get to Heaven", which some of us are reading right now - G-d says to the main character "sometimes I worry that I overdid it on the testosterone" I was ROFL when I read that!

Actually, I think it's the combo of testosterone and alchohol that gets many guys into trouble. And then mix in adrenaline, and all reason goes out the window.

(I guess we could get into a discussion of where hormones get girls into trouble too ;), but that's for another thread!)