Inappropiate or good bonding time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
Inappropiate or good bonding time?
17
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 2:44pm

There was an akward incident the other day. Me and my teen daughter were having lunch outside at a restaurant when a very good looking man passed by. He was wearing khaki pants and had a nice body. Well being a heterosexual female I was checking him out and when he walked by I accidently blurted out "wow what a nice but". He didn't hear me but my teen daughter did and she laughed, but also seemed to be shocked and embarrassed, all at the same time.

That may not seem very bad, but it seems wierd checking out a guy in front of my daughter. Although I've seen some women do this with their daughters. I was driving with a friend and her 13 yr old daughter the other day. We were passing by a construction site and usually we would check out and talk about all the good looking men. But this time since her daughter was here I'd figured we'd just look and nothing more.

But then my friend noticed a guy and pointed out some of the attractive ones. And her daughter jumped in! She gave her own opinions. I was kind of shocked by all this and didn't really participate that much.

My daughter was at a friends house and her older sister and a friend were talking about cute boys at the high school. They had a bunch of pictures with them. Well all the girls were having a good time and the mom came by and joined the fun!! I mean the girls thought it was wierd at first, but eventually got over it and thought it was cool. At least thats what my daughter said.

I mean is this in anyway wierd? When I was a girl my mom never talked like this to me. I mean she was really ultra-conservative. God I used to feel guilty when I was a teen for masturbating!!

Honestly I think it would be nice to have a relationship like that with my daughter, but I'm not sure if its sounds inappropriatte or just good mother-daughter bonding time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:04pm
I think it's ok to say a guy is cute as long as it doesn't get too graphic. I know my DD (who's 18) will say about one of her friends "don't you think this boy is cute?" I wouldn't go too far myself w/ checking out guys on the street because, being married, I think it's a disrespectful way to act to my DH. It's one thing to say "isn't Brad Pitt cute?" but another to be ogling construction workers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:15pm
Well I'm not married so I guess I don't feel guilty checking out construction workers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:22pm
I only have boys so I'm not sure about what a bonding moment that would be.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:58pm

I think the characteristics that make the process go from good fun to inappropriate hinge on the age of the male involved and the difference between 'cute' and 'sexual attraction'

I think it is inappropriate for adults to look at high school age members of the opposite sex in a sexual manner. The guy in khakis? Im assuming he was closer to your age so you weren't leering after a high schooler. Still, I wouldnt purposefully engage in the banter to bond

The construction worker scenario? To me, inappropriate

Giggling at 'cute' in the high school yearbook seems more innocent-I guess because they are pictures, not real people, and typically involve just the face

I would not be happy if DH took the boys to Hooters to bond discussing T & A

I dont have girls

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 6:19pm

It sounds to me like some of those moms you mention are more interested in being their DD's 'friends' than they are in being their mothers.

It's one thing to notice an attractive male (and yes, I do notice!) but quite another to do a full-on inspection.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 6:57pm
I think a mom can carry it a little too far but I think it's fine. It's good for our DD's to know that we are human and it's okay to appreciate a nice looking man. My DD pretends to be shocked when I comment on a guy but I see her smiling. Just don't go overboard and be careful not to embarrass her in front of her friends (a little is okay).
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 7:50pm

I have to admit my 15 yo dd and I regularly share opinions on handsome men. Its not something that was intentional but its just my natural way of speaking and I don't mind sharing that with my dd. And yes I am married and my H hears us talk this way too. Its good for her to understand that you can find a person attractive but that doesn't mean you are following through on that attraction. I think its also healthy for her to recognize that her mother is a human being with feelings that are similar to the feelings she has. It helps avoid the "you just don't understand" comments because she definitely knows that I fully understand.

Now obviously we cannot share all the same feelings mutually. I just cannot find any person under 21 anything but "cute" -- they are just too young and THAT to me would be inappropriate and kind of icky. Also her admiration of men falls short of anything but a man in a sexy outfit of clothing and maybe revealing a bare chest. As a fully grown woman I can admire a little more than that if you know what I mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:57pm

It would not be appropriate for me and my dd15, because she would be freaked out to hear me talking about any man's body parts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 6:50pm
I'm with you diamond! DD and I will occasionally "admire God's creation" together, and have some laughs with it, but the only ones we even come close to agreeing on are those between 20 and 25 y/o. Anyone younger than that kinda is icky/too young/too boyish to me, and anyone older than that is too old to her. Every now and again I'll point out an attractive 40 something guy, and DD will say "OMG mom! He's old/bald/grey!!" I just laugh and tell her that's just fine, even though she thinks her b/f is a real hottie, I fail to see the attraction. I mean, he's nice enough looking for 16, but he's soooo 16!
Rose
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 7:06pm

If it makes anyone feel uncomfortable then it's probably not okay based on whatever level your relationship is on at this time.

When my now dd19 was say 15 or 16, I never would have checked out a guy openly with her around - she'd DIE of embarrassment and let me know how gross I was!! LOL. Now, however, we comment on guys all the time - hey, I'm married but not dead and she has fun with it too. She's not so freaked out by it anymore.

My 17dd *sometimes* gets weird, but most of the time she will have no problem asking me if I think a certain guy is cute. She once caught me take a double take of a guy in the grocery store and all the way home she teased me. She also says that I flirt with my mechanic. We've been friends for over 10 years, so we're very familiar - a concept dd doesn't quite understand just yet.

I say if neither of you feels weird by it, then its fine.

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